Until All have Heard

re-post wednesday

2011-06-08T13:10:00.000-07:00

recently it seems like my words do not fall together in the rhythm they once knew. not only in my like of writing but even in my speech. it might be all in my head, but it's the truth. the desire to write is there, the words just seem to be falling flat.

june 2010 was an interesting month for me, and now being a year away from it, i love it very dearly. i love what God did in me. i love the challenges i faced, as bizarre and unexpected as they were. i love all that has happened between then and now. i love that water under the bridge and time under a band-aid heals wounds. it's a marvelous thing to be able to look back; especially when your vision has been sharpened, your heart has been massaged into something softer and your perspective has gained some altitude.

today has been that kind of a day. a looking back day. the last 6 months. the last 8 months and the last year and a half. perhaps it's because i have a unique ability to remember things in extreme detail and remember dates with an uncanny quickness or perhaps it's because because the summer of 2010 will not quickly be forgotten. whatever it is, i decided to venture into the blog roll from last summer to see what i saw then and how i see it now.

the following post made me cry. it made my heart skip a beat. it made a funny "i remember that" smile cross my face. and then there was a sigh. a deep, long sigh... as if to say "thank you Lord that you never leave us where we are when we say Yes to you, but instead you pull us forward."

enjoy....

---------

un-worthy. truly thankful.

this last week has been interesting. i have been overwhelmed by one thought:

i am not worthy to receive this grace or love, yet i can't go on without it.

through a series of rather unexpected events and crazy conversations i have had an intense week. the deepest part of my soul gave way and i feel my depth of understanding has deepened.

have you ever com face to face with the ugly truth that you are not perfect? as much as i know this fact and have known this fundamental truth that no one is so, i sometimes get caught in the comparison game. i think that because i have not done "this" or "that" i have earned the right to stand taller.

i sin.

it's the plain truth.

we all sin.

however after years in the church and years of knowing my salvation i had somewhere along the way lost sight of the fact that i am (always) in desperate need of grace and forgiveness. i don't know if repentance became routine or if my sin somehow seemed smaller, but somewhere along the way i lost the depth of the cross.

it seems impossible. it's the cross. it's the foundation of my salvation. it's the emblem of my faith. how could i have lost that? as crazy as it sounds the depth of the meaning of the cross got lost somewhere in my pursuit of the One who hung on it.

this week something happened inside me. it felt like an odd combination of a swift kick in the rear and heart surgery.

i have work to do! i have a calling and a purpose that is greater than i know or could imagine! i have work to do! what makes me worthy of the anointing i desire? what makes me able to GO and DO what God asks me to do?

as much as i can't earn anointing or favor by doing good things or praying over X amount of students, i can control the contents of my character. the content of my character must be able to hold the weight of an anointing and the power of Christ in me.

a while back i wrote a this post about grace. the grace of God has been something that i have been searching out, reading about, listening to messages about and talking about in a pretty huge way for about nine months. this week i experienced that grace in a way i can't remember experiencing any other time up until now.

the grace of God is meant to compel us to righteous living not give us a reason to continue in sin. (Romans 6)

that is something i have "known" in my head for a long time. i do my best to pursue righteous living. i strive to seek first the kingdom of God. i also try not to be a repeater of sin. i said it yesterday like this;

sin is a swamp. icky. stinky. gross. at any point i can be in that swamp by the choices i make. at the edge of that swamp is a meadow or righteous life. it's beautiful green grass blowing in the warm summer breeze. it smells like something sweet is about to happen there. if i am in the swamp the grace of God does not come from the meadow, stand at the edge of the swamp and shout at me to come get it. it does not come into the swamp for a moment so that i can taste it and then run back to the meadow as if it was teasing me. it does not stay in the meadow and ignore the swamp. the grace of God comes into the swamp and envelopes me right where i am at. and it stays with me. it does not like the swamp. it does not justify being in the swamp. it does not encourage me to come back to the swamp for a visit in the future. it compels me towards a righteous life. it compels me to come back to the meadow with it, not looking back at the swamp. grace, it encourages me to strain my neck and look at the golden sun setting in the far off horizon of the green meadow.

this picture has been so vivid in my mind this week. i can't pin-point the moment it became as clear as it is now, but what i do know is at the recognition of this picture came a flood of tears. because in that swamp i can do nothing. in that swamp i cannot be good enough for grace to get me. i smell as bad as what i am sitting in and the sweet smelling grace of God comes to me. i can do nothing but welcome and receive it with open arms. the worst i could do is to stay in the swamp and invite grace to join me. the worst i can do is to justify how i got there and why i choose to stay. the worst i can do is deny the compelling life grace has to offer me away from the swamp.

of this i am un-worthy. of this i am truly thankful.

without the cross there is no real grace. without real grace there is no real life.

i have work to do! i have an anointing and calling! i have the power of the Holy Spirit living inside of me ready to use me to change my generation! i cannot do these things and live the life i dream of sitting in a swamp. my character will be strengthened in the walk from the swamp to righteousness. my character will grow through the difficult situations i face. the content of my character will grow when i can stand in humility and say "i was in the swamp, but NOW i choose righteousness."

my prayer is that i will never take for granted the work of the cross. my prayer is that i can walk in the anointing. i can embrace the calling. i can operate in the power. my prayer is that through grace righteousness would compel me again and again away from the swamp.

it's a new word.

2011-05-14T17:50:00.000-07:00

closer-ish. (noun) a describing word. closer in proximity. closer in countries. closer in time zones. the new distance that two people are physically from each other.
Cassie is so happy that her sister is now closer-ish.

This word and definition actually apply to both my sisters in this picture...

...however today i am especially thankful that my sister
Carissa (the one to the right of me) is closer-ish.
She just arrived home from Argentina; it's been entirely too long since i have seen her!
Lindsey(the one in the pink) is currently in Denver CO with YWAM...
which also makes her closer-ish to my current location.

Minnesota.

Yup, i'm still here.
Sometimes silent in the blogging world, but alive and well; shivering my way through the
Minnesota Spring and praying Summer comes soon.

minnesota when.

2011-03-07T09:17:00.000-08:00

i've been writing this post in my head for 2 months now, it's time to get it out there.

you know you live in minnesota when...

- you become an "old lady" within the first week of living here because you use a heating blanket and humidifier every night.

- you go for a drive with your fiance and see 10,000 (literally) people standing on a frozen lake in a competition ice fishing tournament.

- it's -36* on the said day of the ice fishing tournament.

- across the highway from the said ice fishing tournament there is another frozen lake... with rows and rows of parked CARS/TRUCKS/BUSES & SUVS from the said 10,000 people who are fishing on the other lake.

- one day it is 31* and while out for a drive you say to your fiance "it makes me so happy that it has warmed up enough for the kids to play in the snow."

- you get to work and can't find a parking spot close to the door because there are 100 snow mobiles in the parking lot. the drivers/riders are all inside having dinner.

- snow mobile-ing is not just for sport in minnesota, it's also a means of "normal" transportation and NOT uncommon to see them at the grocery store, the tanning salon, Wal- Mart, Dairy Queen and parked along the street in front of people's houses.

- by some miracle of Jesus the second week in February the weather warms up to 45*, this for "normal" minnesotians is the que for SHORTS, FLIP-FLOPS, T-SHIRTS and leaving the house without a fuzzy hat & scarf.

- a week after the 45* weather it's a blizzard outside and you insist to your fiance that it's not that bad and you can make it the 18 mile drive home just fine. you promise to go slow and proceed to take off into the pitch black and snowinglikecrazy night. 48 minutes later you make it home. On the way you realize your fiance man was right and it was CRAZY to try and drive in weather like this! here's why;
A. the wind was whipping so hard you were certain you were going to take flight.
B. the snow was blowing in EVERY direction (Up, Down, Sideways to the Left and Right) making it nearly impossible to see more than 10 feet ahead of the car.
C. on the 9 miles of county highway between "town" and your road you see exactly 1 other car, no snow-plows, no snow-mobiles, no big trucks, nothing. (this is VERY rare for this hwy).
D. you realize multiple times that you can't tell where the side of the road is... on either side, and due to the fact that traffic is non existent you decided that driving down the middle of the road (or what you hope is the middle) is the safest bet.
E. Once you turn onto your road you realize NO ONE has driven on this road since the blizzard started 5 hours ago. Once again you decide the "middle" is your best bet.
F. the normal 2 minutes it takes to get from the hwy to your drive way takes nearly 15 minutes.

- the ground under the hwy freezes to deep/hard/insanely that the road actually "buckles" causing a "speed bump" effect for 3 miles.

- it's your dad's birthday (March 6th) and you realize you have never seen so much snow on the ground on this day in your life, and just when you think "that's insane!" it starts snowing. and doesn't stop for 12 hours.

- contrary to popular belief Hockey is actually a sport and people play it, follow it, drive hours to see it and keep track of what teams are doing well. weird, i know.

- also contrary to popular belief Hockey is something people start playing when they are 5-6years old, kind of like t-ball where i come from. They play the regular season, get on select teams, travel all over to play it and spend way too much money 0n gear.

- tanning is a hobby. it's something to do when there is nothing else you want to leave your house to do. everyone tans. grandma's, grandpa's, chef's at high end restaurants, the verizon guy, the starbucks manager, the bass player in the band and the 13 year old girl (with her mom's consent of course). everyone is tan. always.

other random facts about living in minnesota,
- it hasn't rained once in 3 months since i moved here.
- i NEVER leave the house without a coat, gloves, a scarf and sometimes a hat.
- i also never leave the house without starting my car at least 15 minutes before i have to leave.
- i sat in an indoor/outdoor hot-tub one night. My hair froze. i didn't even stick my head in the water and my hair froze.

that's all for now, but i'm sure there are more. i'll write the Summer edition once i've lived past this LONG, LONG winter!

love. life.

2011-03-03T23:32:00.000-08:00

so this is love? i'm so blessed.

it's been awhile since posting about my fantastic engagement.
life has had it's ups and also some downs.
i find it hard to write when i don't know how to feel.
not having consistent internet did not help either.
so here i am at 1:52am on a thursday night,
dusting off the blog and being determined to tell you all about the exciting life i live,
and the glorious things God is doing!

thank you?

2010-12-28T19:28:00.000-08:00

I'm ENGAGED and here's the story....

Monday December 27, 2010

The day started with sleeping in and yummy breakfast....

Wait, back up a minute... Dean and i had been planning for weeks that Monday would be the day we went out on our "hot" date! For weeks I had been going back and forth in my head answering the looming question "when is he going to ask me?". By the time Monday arrived I had pretty much convinced myself that he did not have the ring and that he was not planning a Colorado proposal.

We ate breakfast and headed out on our adventure; I was excited to experience Colorado Springs from his perspective and see all the sights that i had heard so much about. We started the day by stopping at a frozen lake and walked out on the ice to a gazebo...i was freaking out because it was 45* outside and we were walking on ice!!!! After i had freaked out and we had explored the park near the frozen lake we headed down the mountain. Next stop was a trip to the Focus on the Family head-quarters; I have been looking forward to visiting "Whit's End" for as long as i can remember and i was like a little kid anticipating Christmas. We mosied around Focus on the Family for a while and once my childhood dream seem fulfilled we headed out for lunch and the next stop.

I have seen pictures of Garden of the Gods for many years and with my love and longing for Smith Rocks fresh in my head i was delighted to see all the sights and take a million pictures of the big red rock formations. Dean grew up visiting the Garden of the Gods all the time and shared so many memories with me :) We had so much fun! As we left the thought crossed my mind, "goodness we have been to a million beautiful places today... you would think..." I decided not to get my hopes up and enjoy my date with my man!

As we continued to drive around my heart was so happy listening to my man tell so many stories about the city he grew up in! The sun was setting and the stars started popping out as we drove up a hill to the middle of the city. Dean had played pranks with friends at the park on the hill and i was cracking up listening to him relive his teenage days. Again the thought crossed my mind, "this is so beautiful..." Just as before i shook the thought out of my head and focused on my man!

After star-gazing and admiring all the lights of Colorado Springs Dean said he wanted to take me one more place before dinner. After a bit of a drive we headed up into the mountains and into an incredible canyon filled with Christmas lights on display and elves taking donations to view the sights. As we parked the car i casually asked Dean if he thought i would need my camera he replied with "you might regret it if you don't bring it." i was CLUELESS to the hidden meaning of the statement! As we walked up the hill full of beautiful lights i was aw struck by the cliff face and magic of the season. We headed up an elevator to an observation deck overlooking 7 amazing waterfalls! Not only do i LOVE waterfalls, but i also LOVE Christmas lights, so the combination was incredible! I was taking pictures of everything i saw and was totally ooblivious to my increasingly nervous boyfriend! After we had frozen our noses sufficiently we walked into the gift shop to look at the cheesy overpriced things gift shops sell. I found a fake diamond the size of my fist and proceeded to joke around about it being my engagement ring. Dean took pictures of this silly girl being a dork with a fake diamond, totally oblivious to what was about to happen. When nothing else looked interesting enough to ponder, Dean insisted that we go back out and find someone to take some pictures of us with the waterfalls in the background. Amazingly, we found a real photographer who actually knew how to use my camera. He was more than happy to snap a few photos of us and when i switched some settings he asked if we wanted a few more and Dean replied "will you take a couple more?". Evidently that is man code for "i'm going to propose" because the guy figure out what was about to happen and happy took pictures of what unfolded next.... Dean stepped back into frame and instead of smiling at the camera he looked at me and said, "Girlfriend. Remember the day you asked me out? That was the day i realized i never wanted to live another day without you." With my mind whirling and my hands shaking Dean got down on one knee and asked the question every little girl dreams of hearing, "Will you marry me?" He proceeded to pull a ring from his pocket and slip it onto my freezing finger. I was in complete shock. It felt totally surreal and magical. I said a very quick and excited "yes!" and with that Dean stood up and planted a very romantic smooch on my quivering lips. I didn't know what to say or do, so i looked at him and said "Thank You?". We laughed and the 25 people standing around to witness our happiness proceeded into a resounding "Congratulations!". Our new photographer friend handed the camera back to me and with a congrats. He proceeded to tell Dean that he figured out what was up and was ready for it! :) After i put my camera away i realized it was dark and i couldn't see my ring... I grabbed Dean's hand and rushed for the elevator platform to i could check out the bling. Needless to say, i was IMPRESSED! The ring is EXACTLY what i wanted... stunning and shiny!

The next two hours were spent in total bliss. We went out to dinner but were both so excited it was hard to eat! After dinner we called family and friends to tell the great news; WE'RE ENGAGED!
(pictures coming soon!)

one more?

2010-11-19T15:19:00.000-08:00

"One more? One more Jesus Loves Me song?"

I've heard these 8 little words a lot recently. Seven's vocabulary is growing like crazy and i'm impressed with his thoughts and questions every day.

I would like to say today was no different, but it was. You see, today is the day of "lasts". It's the last time i get to walk into a dark room in the morning and say "good morning bugga-boo! it's cassie!". It was the last time i get to take off his jammies and help pic out clothes. It was the last time we get to argue about what's for breakfast. It was the last time we get to dance around the kitchen to The Ping Pong song by Enrique Iglesias (not the best song ever, but SO FUN to dance to with a 2 year old!). It was the last time we got to go visit Great Grandma together. It was the last date to Looney Bean together. It was the last tickle fight on the fuzzy rug before nap time. It was the last snuggles in the rocking chair before nap time when he said those words... "One more? One more Jesus Loves Me song?"

and then the tears came. and have not actually stopped in 30 minutes.

You see today, i sneezed and for the first time Seven said "bess you! bess you! bess you!".

We went to Safeway and chocolate chips were on sale i said "oh my goodness! this is GREAT", Seven said "oh my doodness, SO GREAT!"

Someone told me today he is apart of my legacy. i drove away and cried.

You see, today is the last day i get to spend with the little red-haired boy who has stolen my heart. We got home from town today and i took his little black car-seat out of my car. I removed the garage door opener from my visor. I changed a diaper and cleaned a room. I put his precious little shoes in their place and rocked him with a song.

At my house I am in the midst of packing my bags, boxes, and tubs. Minnesota is waiting. My heart is torn in two. Hope, future and love beckons me forward. Safety, promises fulfilled and love hold me back.

You see, i am so excited for what's ahead, but right now i just want one more "little baby kiss". I want one more Jesus Loves me song with my little man. I want to hear him call my name when he wakes up from his nap. just one more...

(last photo of us together.)

i take pictures...

2010-11-07T23:40:00.000-08:00

plain and simple truth: i love him.

CLICK HERE
for more of my recent work!

your new favorite band.

2010-10-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

(yes, this is a shameless plug for my man's band!)

Coming SOON to a city near YOU!

SILVERLINE - US TOUR DATES

Oct 26 El Paso, Texas -Open Gate Community Church
Oct 28 Albuquerque, New Mexico -El Rey Theatre
Oct 29 Las Vegas, Nevada -Valley Bible Fellowship
Oct 30 Phoenix, Arizona -Southwestern College
Oct 31 Indio, California -Destiny Special Events Center
Nov 4 Yorba Linda, California -Yorba Linda Friends Church
Nov 5 Redlands, California -Packing House
Nov 6 Bakersfield, California -Valley Bible Fellowship
Nov 7 Peteluma, California -Phoenix Theatre
Nov 10 Medford, Oregon -Main 1 Arts Center
Nov 11 Eugene, Oregon -McDonald Theatre
Nov 12 Portland, Oregon -Rolling Hills Community Church
Nov 13 Tacoma, Washington -Temple Theater
Nov 15 Spokane, Washington -The Service Station
Nov 16 Tri Cities (Kennewick), Washington -Toyota Center
Nov 18 Salt Lake City, Utah -Avalon Theater
Nov 19 Denver, Colorado -Marque Theatre
Nov 27 Dallas, Texas -The Door
Dec 5 Bourbonnais, Illinois -College Church of the Nazarene

Today's the day they're on their way!
Go to www.silverlinemusic.com for more information ...
but mostly, GO TO A SHOW!

M is for Minnesota.

2010-10-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

just in case you were wondering...

M is for Minnesota.

Minnesota has 90,000 miles of shoreline, more than California, Florida and Hawaii combined.

The Mall of America in Bloomington is the size of 78 football fields --- 9.5 million square feet.

The stapler was invented in Spring Valley, Minnesota

Rollerblades were the first commercially successful in-line Roller Skates. Minnesota students Scott and Brennan Olson invented them in 1980, when they were looking for a way to practice Hockey during the off-season. Their design was an ice hockey boot with 3 inline wheels instead of a blade.

Minnesota Inventions: Masking and Scotch tape, Wheaties cereal, Bisquick, HMOs, the bundt pan, Aveda beauty products, and Green Giant vegetables

Minnesota has one recreational boat per every six people, more than any other state.

Minnesota's waters flow outward in three directions: north to Hudson Bay in Canada, east to the Atlantic Ocean, and south to the Gulf of Mexico.

Author Laura Ingalls Wilder lived on Plum Creek near Walnut Grove.

Minneapolis’ famed skyway system connecting 52 blocks (nearly five miles) of downtown makes it possible to live, eat, work and shop without going outside.

The climate-controlled Metrodome is the only facility in the country to host a Super Bowl, a World Series and a NCAA Final Four Basketball Championship.

The first practical water skis were invented in 1922 by Ralph W. Samuelson, who steam-bent 2 eight-foot-long pine boards into skies. He took his first ride behind a motorboat on a lake in Lake City.

moving.

2010-10-21T14:58:00.000-07:00

it's been in the works for awhile, but today it became real.

i'm moving. once again. this time not down the road and around the corner, i'm moving 1,607 miles. north east. Brainerd, Minnesota ready or not here i come!

today i sent out invitations to my going away party, i reserved a u-haul trailer, and made a countdown for all the important things happening between now and then. (18 days(approx) until my first "niece" is born, 21 days until i see my man, 30 days until my man is in Bend, 33 days until i get to see my family, 35 days until Thanksgiving, 39 days until i move!)

sometime i sit and say two words to God "Minnesota? Really?". Don't get me wrong, i am SO excited for all that is ahead and my heart is (beyond) peaceful that this is right where God is calling me and asking me to go, but never in a million years would i have guessed Minnesota would be my next landing spot! When i moved to Bend and fell in love with all it had to offer, i thought i had found a place i would call home for many, many years. I love my job(s), i love my church, i love the families who live here and have adopted me as their own, i love my friends, i love 180 and i love what God is doing here! There is only one thing missing... my man.

Right now Dean is called to be apart of an awesome Band (www.silverlinemusic.com) and God has opened a million doors for me to walk through towards Minnesota, so as crazy as it seems, i am ready to go. However...

i am not ready to be a Vikings fan... Go Seahawks!

the "Twins" are my sisters not a baseball team... Mariners, i will always believe in you!

Golden Gopher? are you serious? GO DUCKS!!!!!!!!

St*rbucks is not a coffee shop... how many pounds of Looney Bean Espresso will fit in my u-haul?!

Day trips to Lubbock Texas are fully acceptable and not insane.

Don't make fun of me if you catch me recording video on my new camera... it will be like comfort food someday.

i will always be from the Pacific Northwest and so proud of it.

testing. 1,2,3.

2010-10-18T23:45:00.000-07:00

i am falling in love with my new camera!
it's amazing and i am so blessed to have it!
i keep telling people it's like going from
driving a automatic "slug-bug" to driving a 12 speed semi-truck!
it has so many things my old camera didn't have and so many things
i still have to figure out, but i'm LOVING it!
here are some "test shots" from today...

Seven and i testing out the self timer...

i'm so blessed to live in a gorgeous town...

fall. it's a beauty.

yum.

2010-10-15T18:41:00.000-07:00

yum |yəm| (also yum-yum) informal
-exclamation
used to express pleasure at eating, or at the prospect of eating, a particular food.
-adjective
(of food) delicious.

although this photo contains no food and i am not eating anything at the moment,
my sentiments are the same.

delicious.

i'm feeling totally blessed and excited to have this NEW camera at my finger tips and can't wait to see what kind of art we create together.

not ashamed.

2010-10-13T12:00:00.001-07:00

"For I am not ashamed of this Good News about Christ.
It is the power of God at work, saving everyone who believes
—the Jew first and also the Gentile."
Romans 1:16

power. who doesn't like power? i for sure like it. i like the power to order my sandwich without olives or the power to pick my friends on Faceb**k. i would say that to some degree each individual likes power.

ashamed. i am ashamed with few things; in fact, i can't think of anything off the top of my head that i am ashamed of.

recently i have been pondering this verse in the context of those who have known the power and yet somehow find themselves ashamed of where it came from. i know a girl who once loved Jesus with the best of them. she loved the church and all it contained. she loved to worship with the best of 'em. she fell asleep to worship music and woke up to the Word. she preached. she prayed. she followed and proclaimed Christ. she, in my opinion was not ashamed.

more recently i have noticed not just her, but other like her shy away from what they have known. i found her struggling to tell me that she had spent time in prayer; "i sat alone and had some soul-searching moments and (long pause) talked to God about my life."

how can the power (among many things) that comes from Life in Christ not be enough to capture one's heart and attention?

how could anyone whose life has collided with the power be ashamed of it?

finding a voice and some tears.

2010-10-12T14:45:00.000-07:00

i'm finding my writing voice again. i mentioned in my last post that i was struggling to find the words to express all that is going on in my life at present. Today i woke up and realized there are words in my mouth, mind and heart that are ready to find their voice in the blogging world again. this of course made me really happy, but slightly overwhelmed. where on earth do i even start? so much to say, so many words.

tears, they speak things that words cannot express, let's start there.

when i was a little person i cried due to the physical need to eat, be held or because of pain.

when i was 12 years old i cried a lot. thank you puberty and an incredible influx of hormones.

since then i have cried many a tear. thank you boys, cramps, boys, hormones, emotions and boys.

on July 1st i stepped into the Summer season with more gusto than i ever have had. there was a purpose for this season and i was determined not to miss it. for the next 90 days i did a lot of things; i prayed more, read more, sang more, danced more and worked more.

i also cried more. i'm not sure if i found the tears or they found me but they showed up.

my heart went through a transformation in the last 3 months. i like to say it was tenderized. yes, tenderized like meat. i have always been someone who feels everything deeply. i also am someone who wears my heart on my sleeve, yet when it comes to crying it took a LOT of BIG emotions all packed together to induce the tears to flow.

this has been very different.

someone tells me about the deep things God is doing in their heart? tears.
someone tells me about the joy of a boyfriend doing something incredibly mature and wonderful? tears.
the lights go out during the altar call for 8,000 people? tears.
meeting people whose hearts burst with life and incredible purpose? tears.
praying for 180 girls late at night? tears.
listening to pod-casted messages i've heard a million times? tears.
knowing a little life is growing inside my best friend? tears.
alone reading a book in the sun, when suddenly the Love of God is so real and invades my tanning self? tears.
little person randomly asking for "one more hug?". tears.

my heart has been broken and put back together in a fresh and tender way and i am inclined to embrace it. Please do not be surprised if the next time we share a conversation my face crinkles up and my brow furrows. Do not be alarmed if there is a streak in my makeup or mascara seems misplaced, it's just the tears of a heart learning to feel deeper than the emotions of a heart break or the influx of hormones. i would like to say i now possess the incredible "talent" to cry pretty tears like Jenna Kay or Beth Fischer, but i'm still learning. bare with me while i find my voice and the tears find me.

so much to say.

2010-10-05T10:19:00.000-07:00

I have so much to tell the bloggy-world, but i don't have a lot of words ... SO much has been going on in my life in the last couple weeks!!! God is doing AWESOME and AMAZING things! i am excited to see what this next season looks like!

for now please enjoy this video from I Heart Central Oregon & Nick Vujicic

draw me nearer.

2010-09-20T11:48:00.000-07:00

Draw Me Nearer
words and music by Meredith Andrews

For your nearness Lord I hunger
For your nearness Lord I wait
Hold me ever closer Father
Such a love I can't escape

For your nearness I am hoping
For your nearness Lord I long
Have no need of any other
I have found where I belong
Yes, I have found where I belong

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer Lord

In your nearness there is healing
What was broken now made whole
Restoration in its fullness
Lasting hope for all who come

In your nearness I take shelter
Where you are is where I'm home
I have need of only one thing
To be here before your throne
To be here before you throne

And keep me here, keep me here
There's nowhere else I rather be
So keep me here, keep me here
There's nowhere else I rather be
There's nowhere else I rather be

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer my Lord

first comes love.

2010-09-18T16:16:00.000-07:00

i have a special like for engaged couples.

especially when the "him" is my little brother.

congrats Jeremiah & Ashleigh!

i am STOKED to shoot your wedding in December!
(jump on over to my Kekasmai Images site for more pics of these two}

looking back {1 day}

2010-09-09T09:57:00.000-07:00

as i get ready to step into the next season of my life and accept that i am really an adult(25 makes it so real), not a small child trapped in a big person's body, i have been looking forward to what's ahead and looking back at what got me here. so today, here is a list.

25 things that have brought me this far...

- my BIRTH mom i would like to say Thanks and Your Welcome. Thanks for bringing me into this world, and your welcome (not that i really had much choice in the matter) that i wanted to come early and be real little in comparison to my big brother :)

- growing up in an amazing family centered on Christ. "thankful" doesn't even come close to expressing how full my heart is when i think of how blessed i am to have grown up in the family i did.

- being home educated. once again THANKS MOM! for making a choice to keep us at home, not because you wanted to shelter us from the world, but so that you and Papa could give us a godly/biblical worldview, so that we might be empowered to change the world for Christ! AND, who doesn't love having lunch with their siblings every day, taking "field trips" to the Zoo, taking a break to play outside because weather is nice and being able to study missionaries as a history assignment!?!?!

- my brothers. you have all taught me so much! Gregg and Jeremiah. goodness, thinking about growing up with you 2 makes me laugh and want to cry! i'm so happy we got along and did the CRAZY things we did! Thanks for not letting me be a girly-girl. Thanks for teaching me how to play basketball, baseball, football and rollar-blade hockey! Thanks for including me in your laser tag games and capture the flag teams even when i was the only girl! Thanks for being friends with me in junior high and high school... you didn't have to. Thanks for making sure i knew what the mind of a guy is like and how to be a lady who wouldn't settle for a stupid boy.

- my sisters. what in the world would i have done if i were the only girl?!?! 6 brothers and me. that would have been insane! I'm SOOOO glad God gave me 5 little sisters to love and hang out with! I love "sissy-time" more than most things! I love that we are close and can stay up all night talking! I am so thankful for all the fun times we had playing house, barbies, dolls and making up dances! i'm proud of each of you!

- Billy Graham Crusade. Realizing my need for a savior and a life calling bigger than myself.

- running. i started running when i was in 4th grade. the smell of spring reminds me of track season. i have SO MANY great memories from my time on the track.

- BSF. Bible Study Fellowship was apart of my life for more years than not. My biblical knowledge and foundation has come from the weeks digging into the Word and learning what Hermeneutical studies are.

- Moving to Whatcom County. Scary, but the best thing my parents ever did for us!

- Haiti. My first look at world missions. i was 16 and had never been on a plane, much less experienced a 5th world country. My life will forever be changed by the stories i heard and the things i saw... for this i am thankful.

- High School relationships. Navigating HS is hard stuff. Trying to figure out friends, boy friends and dating is rough...doing this with crazy emotions and lack of life experience?! oh my goodness! how ever did i survive? I'm thankful for what i learned, but never want to do that again!

- Road Trip revelations. June 2004. North Dakota. Hosea 2. Mind blown.

- YWAM. Discipleship Training School. I'm not sure it should be called a school, although you learn a lot of stuff and hear a lot of good teaching i think the real growth comes from the relationships and everyday experience of living in community. Also, the World shrinks once you enter the YWAM world, it's a weird phenomenon.

- Africa. Oh Africa. I can't even describe what you did to my heart. Preaching to 600 middle school students and being reprimanded for assuming i could preach like i would in the states? Humbled much? Preaching at a Muslim school 2 weeks later and realizing that God does things so much better than you could have planned. Seeing tumors disappear because our God heals.

- March 2005 - April 2007 Last years living at home with my amazing family. Wouldn't trade them for a college diploma if my life depended on it!

- the Edge. My first "child". My first taste of church ministry and politics. You taught me more than i could have ever taught you. Releasing you to God was hard to do, but knowing i did what i was called to do gave me the courage to go on.

- India. I thought i had you figured out but upon arrival i learned i didn't. not one bit. The sorrow in the eyes i saw will never leave my mind. The smells and sounds will be forever heard in my dreams. Until we meet again, you hold my heart.

- Learning to pray. The biggest teacher for this was August 2005 and having my (at the time) 3 year old brother Elijah in the ICU at Children's hospital for 3 weeks.

- Moving to Bend. Faith in it's most raw form. Although the process of getting here was insane and complicated, i could not have stayed living the life i was. Change, it moves things forward.

-Falling off a cliff. Who knew that breaking your foot could be the biggest teacher of living a life of faith/risk?

- Working at Red Robin. Challenging beyond imagination. Rewarding beyond what i thought possible. "A Smiling Burger 'wows' our guests every time..."

- Learning to love people without selfish motivation. I'm no longer concerned with climbing the social ladder, all i want to do is love people well.

- Living with Married people (Thanks Mike & Allie and Jesse & Tay). I have been asked a lot what it's like to live with married people... it's awesome! If you want a glimpse of what marriage might look like, live with married people, they are the real deal! I'm SO THANKFUL for the opportunity to have watched 2 awesome couples walk through life!!

- Oneighty. I think i have been a student to this ministry as much as i have been a leader in it. I cannot imagine my life without you. Thanks for letting me cry, scream, spit, laugh and preach! My only hope is that you know my love for you and my desire to see you hit the mark that is the call of God on your life!

- Being submitted to the call of God regardless of the cost. Anything he has asked me to do outside of my understanding or desire has been worth it. Walking in surrender is the thing that over and over again has defined my life and brought me this far.

my whole house is great {2 days}

2010-09-08T08:04:00.000-07:00

please watch:

25 things i like (in no particular order):

- i like my Papa and Mama
- i like my jobs
- i like my coffee
- i like my pajamas
- i like my brothers
- i like my sisters and future sister-in-laws
- i like my cameras
- i like my whole house, my whole house is great.
- i like my Seven
- i like my church
- i like my best friend
- i like my purple pillow
- i like my Beth Fischer
- i like my heroes
- i like my dance moves
- i like my 180
- i like my peanut butter creamy
- i like my man
- i like my music loud
- i like my toys with no noise
- i like my road trips
- i like my airplanes
- i like my hair
- i like my secrets
- i like my life, my whole life is great

licking the bowl {3 days}

2010-09-07T15:08:00.000-07:00

Seven was pretty stoked about this situation...

i take pictures {5 days}

2010-09-05T19:37:00.000-07:00

i love it when people are willing to do things that are a little out of the box for a great shot!
this is Willow, she is one of those people!

getting ready. {7 days}

2010-09-03T23:27:00.000-07:00

i am currently in "editing" mode. this means i am wearing my over-sized gray sweatpants, an old tshirt, ponytail and glasses. comfortable and creative.

the last 5 weekends can be summed up in one word: weddings. 5 weddings!

some of my favorite photos from a wedding day are of the bride getting ready, i feel honored to watch the transformation from (tired) "un-done" girl to stunning princess bride! i love the smiles when they look in the mirror as each step of the getting ready process unfolds... the smiles, the gasps and the giggles!

also on my favorite photos list? the "first look" photos. the moment where the bride and groom see each other all decked out for the first time! It's usually been a few HOURS since the bride started getting ready and a few MINUTES for the groom! i've seen tears, i've seen sheepish smiles, i've seen blank expressions and jumping with delight!

recently i have been pondering what it means for the Church to be the bride of Christ, a phrase i am not particularly fond of... it's a hard phrase to understand and fully "get", especially in a culture and world where a wedding is a commercial event, not a sacred covenant.

as i sit for hours and edit wedding photos i have thought a lot about "getting ready"... we get ready for the day. we buy calendars so we can plan and get ready for the week, month or year. we take action to get ready for birthdays, parties, days at the beach, road trips and bed.

girls need time to "get ready" for most things...especially after the age of 13... getting ready is more than putting clothes on and brushing out last night's bed head, getting ready is a process. we shower and shave. we brush, comb, back-comb and blow dry. we curl and pin. we apply makeup, lotion and perfume. we (most likely) try on a couple outfits before we settle on the one we are actually going to wear; not to mention the shoe options for each outfit.

for a bride on her wedding day take that process and multiply it by 100. most likely there have been multiple dresses tried on, once "the one" is picked it has to be fitted and hemmed. sometimes there is a practice run through on the makeup and hair. a lot of times there is a change of shoe, from the ceremony "pretty" shoes to the comfortable reception shoes. not one detail is left out. not one blemish is left un-covered or smudge of makeup left un-fixed. Tide-To-Go pens are a must have on the wedding day, just in case something gets on the dress... no one wants a blotch of lip gloss from the flower girl's hug on the white fabric.

if the Church is the bride of Christ shouldn't we be doing a better job at getting ready for our "first look"? should any detail be left out? should spot or blemish remain? are we too concerned with being "seeker friendly" rather than a pure bride?

empower. {8 days}

2010-09-02T23:14:00.000-07:00

1. to give power or authority to; authorize, esp. by legal or official means.

2. to enable or permit.

i have been pondering this word for a couple weeks and have decided i really like it. it's a verb. a "do-ing" word. i want to empower people to accomplish the will of God for their life by whatever means is in my hands. i want to permit people to speak into my life when necessary. i want to see people lifted up and encouraged because of Jesus in me.

empower. it's a good word.

new roommates. {9 days}

2010-09-01T17:10:00.001-07:00

3.5 years divided by

i moved to Bend. 3 roommates
+
6months later i moved again. 2 roommates
+
8months later moved again. 2 roommates
+
34 days later moved again. 0 roommates
+
8months later moved again. 4 roommate
+
13 months later moved again. 2 roommates
+
6months later moved again. 3 roommates

=
7 moves. 16 people lived with.

move much?

i am stoked to live with these 4 fine ladies! they are incredibly wonderful and funny.
i like living with funny people so i anticipate this working out just fine :)

bread of life {10 days}

2010-08-31T09:34:00.000-07:00

Jeremiah 6:16

"This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around.

Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it.

Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls."

i have been "chewing" on this for a few days and really love it.

STOP. LOOK AROUND.

OLD. GODLY.

WALK.

REST.

yum.

i take pictures {11 days}

2010-08-29T00:32:00.000-07:00

this weekend i shot a wedding in WA.
this is my favorite photo of the day:

sometimes i take pictures. :)

new hair. {13 days}

2010-08-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

in case you are just dropping in on this {countdown}, let me explain; i love birthdays... a lot. i also, have a strong opinion that they should ALWAYS be celebrated to the utmost! Naturally, my own birthday falls into this category, except more so :)

i also LOVE countdowns...on August 15 i started the 25 days until my 25th countdown, and commited to writing a blog post everyday until then!!! the day after i am headed to Southern California to RELAX on the beach with my brother and his Fiance... so this countdown is really for a few things! :) :) :)

now for today's post... i cut about 6 inches off my hair and added some FUN and FUNKY color...

(please note this is a cell phone picture so the colors look different in real life, but you get the idea)

his plans are brilliant. {14 days}

2010-08-26T15:01:00.000-07:00

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

i don't know anyone who doesn't like this verse. if there was a faceb**k page for this verse and you could "like" it... i'm sure there would be a million fans!

i have been thinking a lot about the last 4 years of my life this week... looking back at all the things i have or haven't done. remembering the struggles, the joys, the pain, the fun and all the people i have met. this is the conclusion i have come to:

His plans are brilliant and His ways are amazing!

four years ago i was working a dream job, i was living with my awesome family, i had a "free" car, very little expenses and was super happy! i would like to say i was content, but that would only be half true. While i LOVED my life and LOVED everything i was doing, there was a longing inside of me for more than i knew. Somewhere deep inside of my heart i knew my life had only just begun and there was so much head of me.

in a matter of 8 months everything changed. i bought a car, moved, changed churches, rented my first place, left everything i knew(loved), my income was cut in half and my expenses doubled. My heart was full of dreams and desires, hopes and wishes, prayers and eagerness to accomplish all the Lord had for me! I had vision for where my life was and where it was going, i was certain of somethings and questioning others. I plans, dreams, goals and visions i was sure would happen.

looking back i would not change a thing! not many of the things i thought would be are, but i am so thankful they are not. i have experienced grace so amazing, love so deep, pain un-bearable, hope as high as the sky, loneliness like a dessert in a drought and faith that builds a foundation.

i have lived in 6 houses, with 13 different people, i have had 3 jobs, i have driven over 75,000 miles, i have jumped off a cliff and broken my foot, i have had 1 broken heart, i have gained 2 sisters, i have lost a brother, i have loved and been rejected, i have loved and been loved, i have hiked a few mountains, i have learned to love running again, i have had 3 "favorite" coffee spots, i have swam in the Ocean and danced on a dock, i have floated a river, i have dated, i have taken thousands of photos, i have had 4 cell phones, i have lead and been lead, i have preached and been taught...and so much more.

looking at it all and remembering SO many moments of crying out to God, wondering what in the world he was doing, i can, with confidence say this:

His plans are brilliant and His ways are amazing!

i would not change how things have happened. i would not take back the tough decisions, i would not wish for less tears or more giggles... because in it all, my God had a plan and a purpose, a way that was more beautiful than i saw or could have grasped. for this i will always be thankful and celebrate.

brilliant i say, brilliant!

meeting some heroes. {15 days}

2010-08-25T10:33:00.000-07:00

today i am super excited to meet some of my photography(& life) heroes!
meet Gary, Courtney & Joelle:

Gary & Courtney (click the link) have inspired me for a few (i think 4) years to be more creative and dream BIG in life and photography! I consider myself a regular to their blog and website, kind of like some people consider themselves regulars to a specific coffee shop....or maybe more so... either way, i love gleaning from more experienced photographers, especially ones who ooze LOVE for the craft and LOVE for travel (see we have more than 1 thing in common)!!! They lived in Bend when i first got here, and for a long time i was hoping and praying to meet them... and then i did (they sat at my table at Red Robin)... and then they moved to the sunny skies of So. California... SO, needless to say i was super stoked to find out they were making a trip up to Bend and am SO THANKFUL to be able to steal a little time with them!!!!

january 24. {16 days)

2010-08-24T08:46:00.000-07:00

i was 24 years, 4months, 14 days old and sitting on my bed thinking about being single. (honest much?) i was pondering the guy friends i had in my life and the "what ifs" and "possibilities"... i actually wrote out a list of guys and the pros and cons of possibly dating them. I know i sound a little crazy, but it's the truth.

i also found myself reflecting on a conversation i had recently had with my "phone friend" Dean... He had told me that when i started dating someone he was going to "phase out" of my life so that he wasn't the "awkward guy friend who talks to a girl all the time while she is dating someone else". We (more so, I) had established early on in our friendship that i was not interested in dating long distance, and more so that i didn't want to lead him on... he had been so gracious and encouraging to me as i walked through one of the most heart-wrenching times of my life. Dean and i had met 2 months and 6 days previous to these reflections and i had unexpectedly found myself looking forward to our long phone conversations...He had somehow become my closest guy friend and one of the few people i really trusted.

as i sat on my bed in the middle of my pondering and reflecting, i realized i didn't really like the idea of Dean "phasing out" of my life when i started dating someone or ever...in fact i didn't really want to date anyone else. if you were in or around my life at the time, you would understand how CRAZY and world shaking this was for me... it was as if something hit me on the head and i woke up to see what had been right in front of me for 2 months and 6 days!!!

today i celebrate 7 months of dating the man of my dreams.
today i celebrate all the God has done since January 24th.
today i look forward to what is ahead with great anticipation!

little me. {17 days}

2010-08-23T22:26:00.000-07:00

i think i was almost 2 when this picture was taken.

only 17 days until my birthday and i'm kind of wishing i could go to Chucky Cheese and enjoy a little ride like this one :)

my rockstar. {18 days}

2010-08-22T17:19:00.000-07:00

i stole some photos from faceb**k for bragging rights... this is my man Dean, rocking a concert with Silverline in Yuma Arizon this weekend!

my favorite:
i love what waiting does.
it builds good things.
i waited 24years, 2 months and 8 days before i met this guy
and another 2 months 6 days before i started dating him.

it's been 2 months and 20 days since i have seen him
and since we started dating 6 months and 28 days ago, we have spent 22 days together....
it's all been so worth it.
beyond worth it.

waiting. it builds things.

happy anniversary {19 days}

2010-08-21T07:39:00.000-07:00

theses are my amazing parents. (aren't they cute?)
they have been married for 28 years today!

i love them SO much.

i wouldn't trade them for the world.

for as long as i've known them (24 years 11 months and 21 days) they have been incredible examples of self-less love!

they figured out how to multiply the love they have experienced from God, not only in their marriage, but 12 times over! (that's some awesome math skills)

i wouldn't be where i am today if it wasn't for them.

i am so thankful for how they raised me; from homeschooling to family meetings about modesty. from road trips to camping in the back yard. from laughing like crazy people because of a tickle fight to long stern talks about boys. they did an amazing job!

they always found ways to make life exciting and fun.
i am so thankful.

Happy Anniversary Papa and Mama!!!!!
cheers for all, and many more!

bread of life {20 days}

2010-08-20T10:39:00.000-07:00

Isaiah 56:1
"Be just and fair to all," says the Lord, "Do what is right and good,
for i am coming soon to rescue you."

i read this yesterday morning and it made me really happy, but not only happy, but safe. Safe knowing that i have a savior who not only loves me but is also coming for me.

delightful.

traveling. {21 days}

2010-08-19T17:33:00.000-07:00

i love traveling. love it. lots.

my first flight wasn't until i was 16, two months after 9/11/01 and i got slightly sick upon landing...yet, i still LOVE flying and love to travel.

however my love for travel started long before that day.

Diacogiannis Family Road Trips are now a annual or bi-annual occurrence that is well documented on a blog and talked about for months after the fact. Not much has changed since i was a small child... we may have not driven 23 states in 21 days back then, but we had some AWESOME memory making road trips when i was little!

i loved it when we would go camping for a weekend an hour away from our house... it felt like we were REALLY FAR away. i remember waking up at 3 in the morning to start a leg of our trip up to British Columbia to visit my great-grandpa's cabin on a river... mom and dad let us sleep on the floor of the van! i remember so many trips to CRC and knowing we were getting really close when we pasted the pink "barn" (it's not a barn, but we thought it was). sometimes we would bring friends on our road trips... mostly they were high school girls who wanted to experience life with 6 or 7 little people, but to me they were my friends. We also never left home with out Adventures in Odessey. Mr. Whittaker, Eugene and Connie were pretty much apart of the family and i fully believe that on these road trips they fell in love with traveling as much as i did!!!

before i turned 18 i had been to 27 states.

before i turned 21 i had been to 9 countries and 3 continents.

i wish i could say that before i turn 25 i will have greatly added to those lists... i've been to 37 states now, but no new countries in a few years.

before i die my goal is to visit every continent and over 25 countries.

i love to travel. i especially love road trips.

bats in the house. {22 days}

2010-08-18T14:32:00.000-07:00

some of my earliest memories are from august days spent at a cabin on Cour 'de Alene Lake in Idaho.

my parents were engaged at this cabin. most of us kids learned to swim at this cabin. our love (and competitive spirit) for card games was nurtured at this cabin. building sand castles and canals from the beach to the lake were a normal occurrence in my young summers. learning to dive, paddle surf boards, water ski and doing dishes all happened to some great extent at this cabin. the conversation of the last ten minutes of the 7 hour drive to the cabin always revolved around who would sleep in the "nook". figuring out traps for the yellow jackets was always a new and crazy experience. my secret love for furry dogs who howl at the boat is always alive at this cabin.

and then there was the summer with bats.

if my memory serves me well, i can only recall one summer that we had a bat issue. it may have actually only been the one night that i remember so vividly.

Gregg and Jeremiah were the "favored" children who got to sleep in the "nook" that summer. Josh was a baby and slept in the crib in mom & dad's room... which left the "middle room" for us 3 little girls. Carissa and Lindsey were fast asleep as i lay there wishing i was old enough to stay up late with mom and dad. It was a particularly warm August night and the sliding door to the deck was open a crack (screen closed). i could hear the waves lapping up onto the shore and the faint sound of mom and dad playing cards with George and Shirley(cabin owners) slipped through the open bedroom door.

I don't know the events that lead up to this moment, but i remember the moment so well... Dad had come downstairs for some reason and discovered a bat in the hallway... i'm sure he was trying to be a stealth super hero and get the bat out of the cabin before is sacred us kiddos half to death, but in his attempt to shoo it out, it flew into our bedroom... i sat up when the door flew open and in came dad holding a broom. i saw what looked like a large black bird land on the ceiling. i don't remember dad saying anything except "it's a bat." and with that he took a swing and the bat went flying out into the hallway dad followed in pursuit, by this time i heard my mom out in the hallway too, they didn't seem scared or worried, in fact i am pretty sure they might have been laughing! i sat in bed for a moment wondering what to do and if the bat would re-appear in my dark room. i could hear mom and dad doing what they had to in order to get the bat out... i am pretty sure the bat escaped the house un-harmed through an open door.

you may think this is an anti-climatic story with no point and it might be, however i have been reminded of this night twice in the recent months... my dear and amazing Rockstar has 2 sisters who live with him in Minnesota. Charissa has the unfortunate problem with bats showing up in her room and she makes valid attempts to scare them away... i am pretty sure both times Dean has had to rescue her and Giselle from the impending doom of the bat being on a bed or in their room... the stories always have me laughing up a storm and recalling my one close encounter with a bat...some 18 years ago!

22 days until my birthday and today i celebrate fantastic family memories and bats in the house.

the day i got saved. {23 days}

2010-08-17T22:50:00.000-07:00

June 1990.

the Cold War was near its end.
the 1990 FIFA World Cup started.
the Portland Trailblazers were in the NBA finals (they lost).
Universal Studios in Florida opened to the public.
Home Alone was all the rage.

my 6th birthday was a few short months away and Billy Graham was holding a crusade at the Tacoma Dome.

i remember my mom was wearing the color peach and my dad was wearing a teal and black stripped polo shirt. Carissa and Lindsey were left at home with a babysitter and "the boys" and i got to go with mom and dad... i don't really remember knowing very much about what we were going to other than the fact that we were going to the Tacoma Dome and we had been there before for the circus.

i don't remember a lot of Mr. Graham's message. i do remember that there were a few ladies doing sing-language and i had to ask my mom why they were moving there hands so much. i remember there was a band of some kind and i remember Gregg and Jeremiah seemed antsy.

the crusade was about to come to an end and my dad wanted to beat the traffic out of Tacoma... right as we were getting ready to head for the exit what seemed to me like a million people stood from there seats and started walking towards the stage. i remember getting my mom's attention and asking why. she explained to me that it was an altar call and that the people were going forward to receive prayer and give their lives to Jesus. I asked a few more questions and my mind was made up. i wanted to go down there with all those people and give my life to Jesus too!!! My mom explained that i didn't have to go down near the stage to pray or ask Jesus to be the Lord of my life. i seemed satisfied with that answer and my mom stopped my dad, who was still heading for the stairs and exit with 2 boys. I don't remember where Gregg and Jeremiah were for a few minutes... it didn't really matter to me at the time... all i knew was there was a man named Billy Graham and what he said made sense to me and i wanted what all those other people wanted. I wanted Jesus.

mom and dad sat and made sure i understood what was going on and then prayed with me in our seats. i'm sure the moment lasted no longer than 5 minutes, but it will always be engraved in my head.

thanks mom and dad for taking that moment in 1990 that i will remember forever.... the list at the top of this post? well, let's just say the internet makes it easy to find information...i don't remember any of that :)

24 days.

2010-08-16T07:50:00.000-07:00

mondays.

before last year i was not a person who either hated nor loved mondays. before last september i worked on mondays, so it was just the start of a work week, i didn't mind being that i LOVE my job. September 2009 rolled around and so did a schedule change. mondays became another day in the weekend. mondays were FREE! i enjoyed the sleeping in for a couple mondays and then something happened...

i have a friend. her name is Stephenie Jayne. She is tall and brunette. Her heart for Africa is awesome! Her willingness to serve is incredible and she listens really well. prior to last september and the love of mondays stephenie and i would have lunch on wednesdays... when the work schedule changed it required a change in our lunching together.

enter monday.

we had lunch a few times on monday and then one of us had the crazy idea to see if we could both wake up early and meet for coffee. amazingly: it worked. (we are not morning people, hence the amazingly) shortly after this switch in routine i realized that monday mornings were quickly becoming the highlight of my week! it isn't because i wake up early or because the coffee is so grand (tho it is) but there is something about sitting down with a friend and talking for an hour (or so) about things that matter; it fills and refreshes. sometimes we sit in the coffee shop, sometimes we sit outside, sometimes we laugh, sometimes there are tears, sometimes there is scones with our coffee, sometimes there is silence! Every time? Every time there is friendship that is real and lasts and sees beyond monday. Every time there is encouragement and joy. Every time i walk away from that coffee shop my heart is full and i am thankful.

i love mondays. today, i celebrate mondays.

25 days.

2010-08-15T12:35:00.000-07:00

in 25 days i will be celebrating my 25th birthday. i'm stoked.
between now and then my goal is to write a post everyday celebrating
something(s) from my 25 years on God's green earth!!

today i celebrate my Best Friend Taylor Cailee

Today is Taylor's Birthday. :)
We both consider our birthdays to be National holidays
We also believe birthday countdowns can start as soon as our hearts desire!
I may be 3 years 11 months and 5 days older than T, but it doesn't seem to matter.
She is brave and beautiful.
She is girly and amazing.
She makes normal days great and great days greater!
I am SO thankful for her in my life and am wowed by how God made our lives collide!
Taylor has made my life in Bend brighter, funner, sweeter & more wonderful!

Happy Birthday Taylor Cailee!
love you more than you know!

your new favorite band.

2010-08-14T09:12:00.000-07:00

well at least that's what their Faceb**k says.

this is just a little peek at the fantastic band my man is apart of. He is the drummer and i like him. lots.

make sure to check out more videos and music from Silverline!!! CLICK HERE

fill in for my rockstar.

2010-08-12T23:07:00.000-07:00

due to the fact that my rockstar lives in Minnesota, sometimes i have to have stand in dates for weddings.

last weekend i was so THRILLED to go to my dear friend Joann's wedding and thankful mr. pink puppet was there to keep all the guys away :) this photo is my turn in the "photo booth". :)

it's all about love.

2010-07-31T17:00:00.000-07:00

Galatians 5:13-14 “For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love, serve one another. For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

It’s all about LOVE.

I don’t plan a message and hope the right words come out. I don’t txt a friend with no intention or knowledge of what I am going to say. I plan it out. I think about what i want to say and why. I’m willing to bet money on the fact that God had a plan for what he was saying to the guys writing the Bible and I also believe He said things in a certain order for specific reasons. Even though the letters from Paul were for specific churches at a specific time for a specific purpose they are just as applicable to us today.

* Galatians 5:22-25 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”

A few months ago I was talking to Seven about this… Love is the first fruit listed and Self Control is the last. Why is that? What's that about? Did God do that on purpose, or is it just how Paul wrote it? Did God make sure they were in a certain order or was it just "random"?

I am going to go out on a limb and say because it’s important that we remember those 2 the most….Because if we are operating in Love and Self Control the other ones seem to fall right into place. If we are operating in those two fruits 100% of the time, spiritual growth is inevitable.

Check it out:

1 Corinthians 13

V1-3 “If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.”

Corinth was the Bible version of a city like LasVegas. Think flashy. Think in your face. Think WAY out there. Even though this letter is to saved people, they still had a bent toward “flashy-in-your-face” kind of things. When the Holy Spirit came to the church in Corinth the Christians ate it up! They loved healing, miracles, signs, wonders, speaking in tongues and prophecy. To them, these things were EVIDENCE of their faith. To them prophecy(or other obvious gifts) made them "cool" and "important" in the church like fame and prostitution made them outside the church. Noticed and talked about. "Oh so and so got a word for me. they must be super tight with Jesus."

Speaking in tongues and prophesy was evidence in the church at Corinth that “you had arrived” spiritually. What Paul is saying in 1 Corinthians 13 is; “News flash folks: not so much.” He was saying "The evidence of spiritual growth in your life is your ability to act in Love." The evidence of who you are in the Lord does not come by the resume you hold in the Holy Spirit.

Do you think of yourself as a “loving” person?

1 Cor. 13:4-7 4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

I have heard this about a million times. Not kidding. 99% of the weddings I have been to have this read or quoted to some extent. I DO NOT LIKE THIS!!!!! In fact i will throw my shoe at the Pastor if he thinks about mentioning this chapter at my wedding! These verses are NOT talking about marital love! Paul is not telling the church how to be a good husband or wife (that's in 1 Cor. 7)... YES, marital love needs all those things in it, but that is NOT what Paul is getting at here.

I like to say that if i can read that verse and replace the word "Love" with my name... i've got it down..."Cassie is patient, Cassie is Kind..." Yeah right?!

There have been times in my life I have hated this scripture. Kind. I don’t want to be kind. I have wanted to be in your face rude. I have wanted to give up. I have had times when i didn’t have any hope. I have about lost faith. I have not wanted to endure every circumstance. I wanted God to snap the magic button and fix it. I have wanted to erase 13 years of someone’s life, give them a “get out of jail free” card and the restart button. I have wanted to love who I wanted and how I wanted.

The thing is; we don't get to define love.

According to the Word, God is Love.

*1 John 4:7-8 “Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.”

All of our love can only be an imitation of God’s love. We can only love to the extent that we have experienced God's love.

*Ephesians 3:18 “And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.”

*1 John 4:12 “No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.”

Wow! How amazing is it that His love can be brought to full expression in us?! This can only happen if we know God. Know his character and have experienced his love in a way that touches deeper than the butterflies you got from your 6th grade crush. His love is outrageous for us! He has been pursuing us since the beginning of time! BEFORE we knew him he loved us. While we were running away from him He wanted us for himself!!! That love can be brought into full expression in us! In order for us to truly love those around us we have to have experienced it, lived out of it and been overwhelmed by it. I am not saying you have to spend 10 hours a day in a prayer closet or listening to Misty Edwards . I am not saying you have to go to a worship school or prayer conference to know his love. This is not knowing the love of God. You may experience it there, but this does not equal knowledge of his love.

What we believe about the Love of God and our experience with it will directly affect how we love others.

1 Cor. 13:8-12 8 Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! 9 Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! 10 But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless. 11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 12 Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

Heaven is our goal… or at least it should be. It should be what our lives point to. It should be what fuels everything we do. When we get to heaven we will see clearly all that we have been living for! When we get there we will not need prophecy or words of knowledge. We won’t need to speak in tongues. These things will disappear. Love. Love will last forever. The Love of God will last forever. I would hope that with that knowledge we would have a deeper desire to learn to Love and learn what Love is (beyond weddings and endless quoting of v. 4-7.

How we choose to love people/or not love people will also last forever. How we choose to love our family lasts beyond this moment, this weekend or until we move out.

Grow up. If we only ate once a week we would die. We need to grow our faith. In Love. Grow our knowledge of the Word. In Love. Put away the things of this world that make us look like baby Christians. In Love. Be mature. In Love. Stop counting our "spiritual" acts as maturity. Stop focusing on how we are so gifted in the Spirit and learn to SIMPLY LOVE.

I am NOT saying to ignore spiritual gifts or discount the work of the Holy Spirit in the church or individually, but i am saying we need to desire to walk in love more than we desire to be "super spiritual".

When all is said and done love is what lasts. It's all about love. Your healing and prophesies won't go to heaven with you, the way you loved will.

so. much. fun.

2010-07-29T23:05:00.001-07:00

i went to Washington.
6 days with my amazing family.
so. much. fun.
this is my little Elijah.
he is a world changer.
this picture sums up my week...but don't worry there will be more!!!

anything is possible.

2010-07-17T12:20:00.000-07:00

lyrics my Jonny Lang

Let me tell you

I remember in the days of old,
Doesn't seem that long ago,
It was....
" Johnny you won't be nothing unless you do what you're told,
Study medicine or study law,
And please put away the guitar,
The best you'll ever be is a local star at the local bar."

But I went and did it anyway,
Family helping all the way,
Now I'm here today,
5 records later,
So you can hear me say,

Don't ...let 'em tell you can't be,
Anything you wanna be,
Don't be deceived,
Anything's possible,
If ....you just believe,
Then you can succeed,
It might not be easy,
But anything's possible

What if old Ben Franklin,
Would've been frightened by lightning,
If he would've stayed inside .....then
We'd still be in the dark

Martin Lurther King,
Did some beautiful things,
All because he had a dream,
Just like you and me

Don't ...let 'em tell you can't be,
Anything you wanna be,
Don't be deceived,
Anything's possible,
If ....you just believe,
Then you can succeed,
It might not be easy

Don't you know --it's gonna be sweat
and some tears,
and some hard years,
best believe there'll be hurt,
And some pain,
Expect some rain

You're gonna make it if you try,
Keep your eye on the prize,
You can take it,
You might have to work it, but it's gonna be worth it,
Don't let 'em tell you that you don't deserve it
[ Martin Luther]
"I have a dream that my four little children will
one day live in a nation where they
will not be judged by the color of their skin
but by the content of their character
I have a dream"

No, don't ...let 'em tell you can't be,
Anything you wanna be,
Don't be deceived,
Anything's possible,
If ....you just believe,
Then you can succeed,
It might not be easy,

Anything's possible

a fairy tale.

2010-07-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

It is a world of magic and mystery, of deep darkness and flickering starlight.
It is a world where terrible things happen and wonderful things too.
It is a world where goodness is pitted against evil,
love against hate,
order against chaos,
in a great struggle where often it is hard to be sure who belongs to which side
because appearances are endlessly deceptive.
Yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a world where
the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happily ever after,
and where in the long run everybody,
good and evil alike, becomes known by his true name...
That is the fairy tale of the Gospel with, of course,
one crucial difference from all the other fairy tales,
which is that the claim made for it is that
it is true,
that it not only happened once upon a time
but has kept happening ever since
and is happening still.
-Frederick Buechner Telling the Truth: The Gospel as Tragedy, Comedy and Fairy Tale

if you want me to.

2010-07-13T14:35:00.000-07:00

this song could not be more perfect for this season of my life.
enjoy.

bread of life.

2010-07-07T23:40:00.000-07:00

lots is going on in my life right now and i need to find a way to write about it. I am actually journal-ing more than i ever have, but it's all very deep and personal... too personal for the blogging world, but i did want to share a few verses i came across this week. the have been simmering in my mind for 3 days now, and i just got finished writing about them!

1 Chronicles 22:11-13

““Now, my son, may the Lord be with you and give you success as you follow his directions in building the Temple of the Lord your God. And may the Lord give you wisdom and understanding, that you may obey the Law of the Lord your God as you rule over Israel. For you will be successful if you carefully obey the decrees and regulations that the Lord gave to Israel through Moses. Be strong and courageous; do not be afraid or lose heart!”

i am not building a temple or ruling a nation, but i LOVE the emphasis of OBEDIENCE in these verses. Obviously the highlighted things stuck out to me. I am in a season of life that many would look at and not understand. I am on a journey that doesn't make a lot of sense. I have heard people ask me "why" more this week than any other time in my life. Last night i went to sleep and was beginning to wonder if i sounded like a broken record. My answer to the "why" is very much the same every time, and it's fully the truth of the situation, but after i have given my answer the puzzled look on the questioners face does not go away. the "why" still lingers.

Last week a dear friend posted something on his Faceb**k and as i read it i suddenly had a little better answer for the "why"s.

"Seldom does the work of the Lord make sense to those who have not heard God speak."

This little phrase was stuck in a long sentence about this friend's journey into a new and exciting (well, i think so) adventure in faith. For me it solidified what i already knew.

I prayed. + God spoke. + (I had a choice to make.) + I obeyed. = me doing my best to follow the directions i have been given.

The decision i made did not come without tears or a dose of sadness. It did not skip to my front door with bells, whistles and ice cream. It came with a friend named Fear and Discouragement... it also brought a cousin called Why.

"Be strong and courageous; Do not be afraid or lose heart."

The only reason i can "be strong" is because of the foundation of faithfulness that has been built in my life. Faithfulness, not of myself, but of my God. He has proved himself faithful time and time again. He has given me NO REASON to doubt him. He has proved again and again that even in tough situations i can trust him. Even in making the hardest decision ever to knock at my door, i KNOW He is faithful.

Fear and Discouragement are my choice to either invite them in with the choice OR walk in the knowledge i have about who God has proved himself to be in my life! As much as it was my choice to make the tough decision, it's also my choice to walk in fear and lose heart because of the situation... OR i can be strong and courageous based on the knowledge i have.

I know the decisions i make and have made this week do not always make sense, but i know without a doubt that i am doing what God asked me to do. I know it doesn't look "normal" to some and to others it seems "Crazy". I know its "weird". I may not have all the answers to the "why"s, but i know what the Lord said and i will do my best to "carefully obey" what He has asked me to do, whether that's building a temple, ruling a nation or answering the door to a hard decision.

{take two} Tuesday.

2010-06-29T08:11:00.000-07:00

Today is my AMAZING older brother's birthday!!! I am SO proud to call him my brother and my hero! He is incredible! The following is the very first post i ever wrote in the blogging world! Enjoy!

----

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

This is my brother me and my brother Gregg. In real life it doesn't see like we look this much alike, but i guess we do. He is older than me, but not by much. I love him to pieces. He serves in the US ARMY and makes me one proud sister! If i could tell the world one thing he has taught me....don't judge someone before you know them. That's the worst thing you could do, just love them, pray for them and eventually you won't dislike them so much.

check it out!

2010-06-28T18:04:00.000-07:00

i gave my photography blog an makeover!!!
check it out and tell a friend!

Kekasmai Images

Heaven Song

2010-06-24T23:25:00.000-07:00

recently this song is incredibly comforting.
knowing i have so much to look forward to is both humbling and inspiring.
heaven come quickly, but not too soon.

----

Heaven Song
by Phil Wickham

You wrote a letter and You signed your name
I read every word of it page by page
You said that You'd be coming, coming for me soon
Oh my God I'll be ready for You

I want to run on greener pastures
I want to dance on higher hills
I want to drink from sweeter waters
In the misty morning chill
And my soul is getting restless
For the place where I belong
I can't wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song

I hear Your voice and I catch my breath
'Well done my child, enter in and rest'
Tears of joy roll down my cheek
It's beautiful beyond my wildest dreams

I want to run on greener pastures
I want to dance on higher hills
I want to drink from sweeter waters
In the misty morning chill
And my soul is getting restless
For the place where I belong
I can't wait to join the angels and sing...

I want to run on greener pastures
I want to dance on higher hills
I want to drink from sweeter waters
In the misty morning chill
And my soul is getting restless
For the place where I belong
I can't wait to join the angels and sing
No, I cant wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song

i heart my job.

2010-06-23T11:19:00.000-07:00

he wants to take his Dad's job someday...

hmmm...

shhhhh...

i love this life...

take two. {re-post}

2010-06-19T21:24:00.000-07:00

today i visited somewhere i have previously only been once, but it's quickly made it's way to the "top favorite places" list!!! Last year i wrote a post about my experience hiking Dog Mountain... just across the Columbia River from Hood River Oregon.

this year i could pretty much write the same post and it would mean a lot of the same things it meant then... God has a way of putting a much needed physical perseverance challenge in front of me right when i need it most in non-physical ways in my life.

so here is my "take two" of the week.....

----------

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

i fight.

sometimes a certain phrase or word will come into my mind and make a home for a few days... or sometimes weeks. 2 such certain things have built a home and are now on the verge of taking over my every thought. in times such as these a blog post about them is inevitable.

"i am a fighter."

"perseverance."

i do realize that upon first reading the above one may think they are connected and in many ways they are, but in my life right now one is producing the other in very different ways. Immediately upon writing that i realized it actually could go either way, so i better explain how it is true in my life and then see where this train of thought takes me.

i fight. the closest i've come to a fist fight is the time i slammed my bedroom door on my older brother's arm so hard he cried; i know it is one of the only time i have been the cause of tears from my older brother. sorry Gregg. Other than that insane moment of strength and passion in the fifth grade, i don't ever remember getting into a physical altercation... unless of course you count the tickle fights that end with one of the members of the party yelling at the top of their laughing lungs "i'm going to pee!". And yet i fight. i could jump into a super spiritual rant about fighting on my knees in prayer. i could talk about waging a spiritual war. i could even paint some awesome picture that would make you want to watch the battle scene's in Lord of the Rings or Narnia. However the holes in my jeans from prayer, the un-imaginable affect of a spiritual war and the thrill of victory after a battle scene would not exactly get my point across.

i fight.

on Saturday of this last weekend i went on a hike. i consider myself an out-doorsy type, and i also am no new comer to the world of Saturday hikes. For some reason May 30th 2009 was different. I can't exactly put my finger on it, even now... and leaving the house on Saturday i had NO idea the challenge that awaited me across the river. Now mind you i was going on this hike with some dear friends.... and the 8yr. old and 11 yr. old expressed how they had just done this hike the weekend before. i grabbed my camera and bottle of water and was ready to hit the trail. I knew going into it that it was almost 8 miles round trip, and i new that the view from the top was something words could not describe, however what i did not account for was the sweat and pain that would ensue on the climb to the top of Dog Mountain.

perseverance.

i remember gasping for breath and thinking, "if Philip (8 years old) can do this, i can do this!". i stood in the middle of the dusty trail. we hadn't even gone a 1.5 miles yet and i was panting for air. Sweat was pouring down the side of my face and pooling in my collar bone area. Now either i was more out of shape than i thought i was or this was a lot harder than i anticipated. Looking back it was more the second one than the first. Onward and upward we went. Not a lot of talking on the way up.... we all were focusing on breathing and going. pressing past the pain in our knees and the desire for more water than we had. and there it was: perseverance. perseverance. perseverance. perseverance. perseverance. perseverance. perseverance. perseverance.

the night before i had a conversation with a good friend and we were going back and forth about taking risks and trusting verses waiting and fear. I didn't realize until that conversation that i can talk up perseverance all i want. i can shout TAKE A RISK! from the rooftops, but when in the situation that requires me to do either i had a HUGE fear of failing or getting hurt.

relationships are hard. they involve taking risks, no matter how much of a risk taker you think you are, just wait until you are pushed beyond what you knew was there. Trust is not as flowery and precious as it sounds. It's stinking HARD. As Christians we put a filter on our mind set and try to make trust an easy thing.... i have discovered in the last month or so, that it's because we can trust Jesus with anything and everything and he will NEVER EVER let us down. And so trust must be easy. wrong. Trusting a person is not a requirement of the Christian faith. It's not something anyone is required to do for another person... it's a choice we make to allow someone to come close to our lives and possibly have a lasting affect on us. I don't want to get into the theology of trust, i just want to say trusting people can be hard to do, especially when you(or i) have been hurt by people. I am also not here to say "throw yourself out to anyone".

now moving on a little bit. Waiting and fear. Waiting is BEAUTIFUL and wonderful and should at all time be practiced!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOWEVER, when it comes to taking a risk that you know God is asking you to take, waiting (and hesitating) can be a very dangerous thing. almost 2 years ago i fell nearly 30 feet off a cliff. On the way down i hit a rocky ledge and landed head first into water. the reason i fell was because i waited and hesitated. Always jump on the count of 3 and nothing more. It's funny because this situation has become a corner stone for illustrations about jumping and going and taking risks but until this weekend i didn't realize that in a couple areas of my life i am afraid to take risk and i am afraid to trust people.

and so i fight.

now based on the last couple paragraphs you may be thinking a lot of things about me and my life. (feel free to leave a comment) Regardless of what you are or are not thinking i consider myself a fighter. when i hear the call of God, when i get a vision for something beyond what i can see with my natural eyes, i will fight until i see it come to pass or until i am the last one standing and i have to give it back to the one who gave it. When i see the call of God on a couple's life and they decide that marriage is too hard or they give into sin and it tears something apart my heart beats faster, and i want to scream "fight for it." When i know the call of God one someone's life to change the nations and i see them not pursuing the call, or someone who has a call of God they don't quite get yet but they are running in circles trying to figure out how to make themselves look good, i want to stand up and scream "fight for it."
Somewhere we have lost the urge to fight for what God has called us to. Somewhere along the way we got stuck at the top of the cliff waiting for the water to rise and the sun to set. Somewhere we stopped trusting the people God lined up in our lives to help us go after our dreams because we were afraid of getting hurt (again).

and so i say; "fight for it."

i fight. i fight to be brave. i fight to trust. i fight to fulfill. i fight to move forward. i fight for a change i cannot see but believe with all my heart Jesus can bring. i fight to jump. i fight to wait. i fight the urge to give up. i fight.

back to the Mountain. With each step that brought us closer to the top, the sun rose above our heads and peaked through the trees, sometimes seemingly hotter than the moment before. With each drink of water that refreshed our insides and kept us going, the sweat poured down. Dirt sticks to sweat. Sometimes i would look up the trail for a horizon and all i would see was more trail, it seemed only to raise in front of me and never level out. I would pick out a tree or stump as my next "goal" or "stopping point". Once i made it there i would look up and pick another one. i stopped a few times to take pictures of flowers and views, but mostly i kept one word in my head: perseverance. i knew there was more in me that i had not given. i knew there was more strength deep inside.

when i heard the words "this is it." i thought my heart would burst. i turned to the right and in a second it was all behind me, all the sweat, pain, thirst, sweat and wanting to quit. the view was breath taking. nearly 4 miles, and it was the most amazing sights i have ever seen. i had never seen wild flowers like they grew in that place. i have never seen a river look so brilliant with the sun shining like it was. the statement perseverance pays off never made sense until that moment, because for me i don't remember the last time i was physically challenged like that with a reward so sweet! There are things i am hoping for, look forward to and expecting and what it has cost me thus far will have been worth it if the view from the top is anything like it was that day.

and so perseverance makes me stronger.

and i fight.

and i know that when all is said and done it will have been worth it.

un-worthy. truly thankful.

2010-06-15T16:34:00.000-07:00

Faith.

2010-06-08T21:56:00.000-07:00

Faith

Spin my world around
Flip it upside down

Now my life changes
From this, to that

Build up there
Back to foundations here

Here it comes
All seems to change

Yet One will remain

Even if all were falling
He would be unshaken

In Him I have peace
And in Him I will stand
-Philip Westfall

**I used to know Philip when he was little... he's not so little anymore and i haven't seen him in years, but this so touched my heart and where i am at right now i had to steal it!! i got his official Faceb**k permission to steal it! Thanks Philip!**

Minnesota Sneak Peek...

2010-06-04T08:03:00.000-07:00

here is a little sneak peek at the INCREDIBLY AMAZING time i had in Minnesota with my Rockstar!

i can't believe the 11 days are gone and done! SO many great memories made!

I heart Minnesota.

uffda.

2010-05-28T09:49:00.000-07:00

quick update: i am getting ready to do 3 things i have never done:

1. experiance Duluth Minnesota

2. see Lake Superior (never seen a great lake although i have been to many a great-lake-state)

3. go to Wisconsin.

and yes i will take pictures!!!!

take two. {re-post wednesday}

2010-05-19T22:24:00.000-07:00

i remember the feelings i had writing this blog... like something was bubbling up inside me... reading it today gave me the same feelings all over again! enjoy the re-post of the week!

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Monday, March 24, 2008

the justice of my cause...it's a long one!

I wrote a short little post the other day saying something about a verse that caught my eye during my devotions and said i would post about it... so here i am posting about it!!!

Psalms 37:6

"He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,

the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."

Honestly i was reading, but not taking in the meaning of anything in the first 5 verses of Psalms 37 and then out of the blue, this small sentence jumped off the page and slapped me and said, "pay attention!". So i started over at the beginning of Psalm 37 and these few verses is where i got stuck:

"Delight yourself in the LORD

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD;

trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,

the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when men succeed in their ways,

when they carry out their wicked schemes."

Let's just admit it, we all LOVE verse 4"...he will give you the desires of your heart." I remember a few years ago this was the verse that held my attention. I wanted the desires of my heart, but i struggled with the idea that i could have them and they be what the Lord wanted. The basics of verse 4 and 5 are easy to understand. Delight in the Lord and Trust in Him. living it out is where we get distracted and scatter minded. Back to verse 6. Verse 6 had a flashing light and was calling out for more attention than the others. And for the last few days it has held my attention and snuck into my thoughts and dreams.

"He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,

the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."

Have you ever been awake at dawn? Better yet; have you been awake at dawn and seen the sun shine over a mountain hit the lake and seen the ducks fly away? The first light of morning is AMAZING!!! In the house i used to live in i had a window facing dead-east! Last summer was full of amazing sunrises hitting my face and telling me that the new day starts NOW! I enjoyed a lot of those sunrises hidden under my covers, my body begging for more sleep. No matter how tight i closed my eyes and how many blankets or pillows i covered my face with, the sun still snuck in!

What would the world around me look like if my righteousness shone like the dawn? I don't think of myself as a righteous person. I try to be right. I see Jesus' Righteousness and strive for it. However if i am committing my way to the Lord and trusting him; then i am pursuing righteousness. If the quality of those things were the shining around me i know i would see things differently. I would surely see people in a different way and i would most likely treat them in a different way. My righteousness needs to shine so bright that people around me want the pillow over their head or the shades drawn around me. I want them to look at me and say, "wow she is different." or "what is it that makes her life so different?".

Now the next part of the verse is the kicker. The Justice of My Cause... like the noonday sun! WOW. Here in Central Oregon the noonday sun can be very bright! What is the justice of my cause? What is my cause? If i have a cause is it just? If it is a just cause is it shining like the sun? How do i find the right cause? Justice? These are just a few of the questions swirling around in my head the past few days. I looked up this verse in a few commentaries and they didn't really help me out at all. I finally realized i do have a cause. It's the cause of Christ. Please don't zone out here and think i am going to be cliche. Not at all. We all are called to the cause of Christ... the trouble we have is mixing up what we want and what He wants for us. Some of us are called to that cause in Politics, some in Business, some in Entertainment, and still some in the church. Now here's where my mind doesn't quite get it all... the Justice of that cause. I know little pieces of why i am here and what God wants for my life. I know even more clearly what i am supposed to focus my cause on right now.... still the JUSTICE of that cause is what trips me up.

jus·tice [juhs-tis] Pronunciation Key –noun
1. the quality of being just; righteousness, equitableness, or moral rightness: to uphold the justice of a cause.
2. rightfulness or lawfulness, as of a claim or title; justness of ground or reason: to complain with justice.
3. the moral principle determining just conduct.

Wow.... this is from dictionary.com and it says it all. Check it out in the #1 the word righteousness is there... i think that's just neato. Are we taking what Christ has given us as a cause and making sure it is just? Or are we just holding it in our pocket and pulling it out for show? People who believe in a cause(or a new president) hold signs, mail card, buy adds, knock on doors, and make phone calls all for the sake of a "just cause". What are we doing with the cause Christ has trusted us with??? The light of the morning and the noonday sun. This is what it should be like. Both so bright. Justice and Righteousness in me compared to a BRIGHT SUN!!! I love that each of these verses bring us back to each other. They each hinge on the one above... try reading Psalm 37 backwards and you'll see what i mean. Try figuring out your cause... if it is in line... if it is His heart's desire alive in you. It will shine. You won't even know it's shining. It just will.

bread of life.

2010-05-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

Lamentations 3:22-24

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.""

i take pictures...

2010-05-14T00:00:00.000-07:00

Check out Alivia...

...and the beautiful wedding of Sarah & Kent...Kekasmai Images

take two. {re-post wednesday}

2010-05-13T09:44:00.000-07:00

i know it's Thursday, but yesterday slipped away from me in a mess of tears, sunshine,180, worship, prayer and my man coming home (to MN) from Africa... so here is my re-post of the week! enjoy!

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Thursday, November 20, 2008

Nap Time Tears

Seven is in his crib right now... crying and crying.

Nap time starts with singing and rocking in dark room... and then i gently lay him in his bed, and the peaceful child starts crying his little heart out. I softly tell him it's ok and walk out of the room. The crying continues... 1 minute, 3 minutes, 5 minutes.... after 10 minutes i go back in and wind up the lullaby box, find his Binky and rub his tummy. He stops crying and grabs my hand as if i am leaving forever, not wanting me to walk out of the room. I slowly pull my fingers away and sneek out. The crying starts again. 3minutes, 5, minutes, 12 minutes... i head back in. The tears are streaming down his face and i pick him up. The binky is somehow at the other end of the crib. I put it in his mouth and walk around the room singing softly "Jesus loves me this i know..." he quiets down and softly whimpers behind the soothing rubber in his mouth. Seven reaches up and grabs my hair... his eyes wonder if the tight grip on my long locks will keep me there longer. As i lay him back down under the soft brown blanket, he spits out the Binky and the crying starts again. It's a tired cry. He didn't sleep much last night and his morning nap was shorter than normal. 5 minutes... the crying has stopped. All i can hear is the lullaby box, a soft whimper, and occasional sigh.

I remember so many times with all my younger siblings the lessons about nap time when they are little. Crying is ok. They aren't hungry, they aren't wet, they are tired and need to sleep. They need rest. I remember with Elijah it was so hard to let him cry. He was so little and cute and wonderful.... but the crying at nap time basically ripes out ones heart!!!! All he wanted was to be held. All Seven wants is to be held. He wants to know that i am right there. To feel safe in the arms of one who loves you so much! My mom taught me the art of letting the little one cry. Wait a few minutes and go back in... each time let the clock tick longer. It's so hard. I just want to rock him until he falls asleep. I want to sing him Jesus Loves Me 500 times while he coos and sniffles. But he is ok. He is safe, fed, dry and tired. Eventually he will fall asleep.

I was reading in Matthew 15 today... the story about the woman who comes to Jesus, because her daughter is tormented by a demon. 3 times Jesus ignores or rebukes her. She is a gentile. However her faith went down in history as an example of some who didn't stop asking, who didn't stop crying out for a miracle.

I have been pondering her story all day, and while i was rocking Seven it all came together in my mind. I cry out to Jesus on a regular basis. I hold on to His hand as if i will never hold it again. I reach out for a hug as if it's the last hug i will have from my savior. I cry out. I am not in danger. I am not hungry. I am not sitting in a puddle of life. I am tired and i just want to be held by the One who holds me best. I just want Him to sing over me. I want Him to tell me "it's ok" 500 times over. I don't want Jesus to leave my room. And so i cry out.

Is the cry in Faith that He will answer or in fear that He won't? For me it depends on the day. It depends on where my perspective is. I would like to think that the prayers of Faith, like the woman are more common than the cries of Nap Time Tears... i'm not sure what the ratio is. probably close to 50/50. He is always here. He always hears my cries. I think, however that He is listening for Faith not Fear. He is listening for belief that He is who he has proven time and time again He. He has never left me in the dark, hungry, scared, and wet. NEVER. He has never left me alone and not returned to remind me that He is just a moment away. Somtimes i turn away and forget He is there, but He has never left me.

The house is quiet. All i hear is the clicking of the keys as my fingers fumble across the black keyboard, and the tic-tock of the clock in the kitchen. Seven is asleep. The lullaby box is silent. My heart is stirred up; Faith is rising to the surface of my every thought. The picture of Matthew 15:21-28 is so real in my mind. I can see the woman, her eyes pleading, tears streaming down her flushed cheeks, her hair is a wild mess from the search for the One who could free her daughter. Jesus is there. His back is turned towards her. His face is deep in thought. He knows her face without looking. He seems to be waiting for something, either that or pondering what the next few moments hold. The 12 look on in frustration and annoyance. Her last request hangs in the air... a cry of faith and determination to see a miracle that day...

"Woman," Jesus said to her, "your faith is great. Your request is granted."
And her daughter was healed instantly."

I hope to some day sit with that woman and her the joy that must have flooded her heart when she heard those words. I wonder the laughter that must have filled her house that night. I think about her daughter, sleeping peacefully because the tormentor was gone. I think about her faith. Great faith. She has no name, but her Nap Time Tears were full of Faith, and she cried out expecting the answer she wanted. She didn't let anything stand in her way... and she heard those words from the One who can speak life, breathe truth and walk in Power.
"Your faith is great."

2010-05-08T23:23:00.000-07:00

happy mothers day.
Thank You.
I Love You.
(this was on my 18th birthday.)

(scroll down for my real mother's day post: 24hours 53minutes)

24hrs 53min.

2010-05-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

it's 24hours and 53 minutes til the start of mother's day. just sayin'.

~~~

to my mom,
mother's day is just around the corner and your gift is wrapped, sitting 6inches away and waiting for the mail. sorry it will be late. i like mother's day. i like to remember past mother's days. remember the time i helped dad pick out your bike? teal-ish green. it was the color of the time and i can remember thinking that you would really love it. remember that one mother's day when i cried because there wasn't a prize for the mom with the most kids, you said it was because you would win every year and that wouldn't be fair... i'm still convinced it wasn't fair to have that prize anyway. remember when i got you that necklace thinking it had 13 diamonds? it only has 12, and now it makes sense why. remember that time when we read proverbs 31 and washing your feet. the girls and i made sure to pick lotion and special soap we thought you might like.

as much fun as it is to remember, i like even more to look ahead. i was at Wal-Mart on the Hallmark isle searching for the perfect card for you this year and found a card for the future; On the front it said "Happy Mother's Day!" on the inside it said "in September you can celebrate Grand-parents day!" (it had a special spot to put an ultrasound picture). I thought it was creative, cute and i almost bought it for someday. i like to think about mother's day when you will have more grand-kids than kids.

as much as i love to dream about tomorrow and 10 years from now, 24 hours and 53 minutes is coming sooner than all of those dreams, moments and years.

as i think about the last year i don't really remember mother's day 2009. i remember the 4th of July and Easter. I remember Thanksgiving and Valentines Day. for someone with a memory like mine i'm disappointed that i don't remember it. i know it happened. i know it was there. i know that the love i have for you now was there then, only less so.

because you see, with each mother's day i remember my mom. my incredible Superhero mom. More than bikes and prizes, necklaces and lotion i remember late night chats. long drives and planning surprises. i remember Woods runs at 10 til 10. i remember Christmas Tea's and matchy-matchy moments(thank you for making them moments not years!). i think about shopping trips and sleepovers. these are the things i hold near to my heart.

i realize the last few months have had there ups and downs with me and you... today it seems like more "downs" than "ups". today 450 miles might as well have been the Pacific Ocean. today the weight of hurt and sadness were overwhelming to the point of tears. today i just wanted my mom. not any mom, not a soccer mom. my mom. the mom who knows me inside and out. the mom who knows all the answers and is really good with a boo-boo bunny. that's my mom.

right now this mountain feels like it will never move. it seems like the Ocean is getting bigger. the wedge is getting deeper... and yet i know that seasons change. i know that Spring ALWAYS comes after Winter. and so. today i look forward to calling you in 24hours and 53 minutes and saying 5 words. they are the only words i could come up with that mean what i want to say... see the thing is, that people say i am good with words. people can read my blog and see my love for writing (i get it from my mom)... and yet, when it comes to having the right words for the people who mean the most to me i loose all thought. i can't decipher between and adjective and a noun. i barely remember how to spell and i seem to have a sudden stutter. it's probably because i want it to be perfect. i want my emotions, my heart and my passion to make sense in words... and somehow it doesn't come out right. so please forgive me for not being the girl who writes the cards that the average consumer buys... i only have 5 words today. and tomorrow. and 24 hours and 53 minutes from now.

Thank You.
I Love You.

please hear me when i say them, because i mean it with all my heart.

Happy {almost} Mother's Day.
i love you mom.

take two. {re-post wednesday}

2010-05-05T12:09:00.000-07:00

the word Forgiveness has been stirring around in my head the last few days and i remembered a post i had written about it a couple years ago. In the search for that specific post i found some other posts that kinda blew my mind and i didn't really remember writing... so i'm starting a new trend on my blog for a little while. Introducing: {re-post wednesdays}. i hope you enjoy this little look into my blogging past! feel free to leave some Comment Love!

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Thursday, June 28, 2007

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is a decision I make to obey God and walk as a lifestyle in the higher realm, by not allowing someone’s actions or attitudes to dictate what I do. Releasing them to God, while not requiring them to be accountable to me to make it right. Having the wiliness to walk in the opposite spirit making sure I am willing to be an unrestricted channel of God’s love for that person!" -Doug Easterday

Forgiveness is hard. It's part of the not easy road we walk as Christ-followers. Not because the concept is hard but actually walking out what it means to forgive is really hard. I love this definition of forgiveness. I have heard Doug preach the message behind his definition quite a few times, and every time i learn something new and meaningful.

Today it's this "Releasing them to God, while not requiring them to be accountable to me to make it right..." It stinks when I have to give forgiveness, but instantly in my head i want them to make it right, to "fix" the situation. I want people to un-do what was done, to make my life easier.... but that's not what this says. If we think about how Christ forgave us, this definition makes a lot of sense and is really real. He doesn't require us to "make it right" to fix the problem we created.

"For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;"
Psalms 103:11-13

This is amazing to me. No questions asked, long before i was a glimmer in me mama's eye MY sins were forgiven! Yes, i still have to keep repenting and asking, but not for the sake of forgiveness, for the sake of relationship. Keeping in perspective that HE is the LORD, the just ONE; yet he choose me for a special purpose and calling...AND he forgives me, over and over and over again. Why should i not take after his example? Why should i not choose to forgive in the hard moments of my life? When it hurts? When it's easier to be mad, and not forgive. If i choose to forgive i also must do this "be an unrestricted channel of God’s love for that person!" That means see them as God sees them, like Jesus: Perfect, Pure and Spotless.

So today i choose to forgive. I choose to not see people as mean, spotted creatures, but i choose to see them as my King sees me: Pure and beautiful, created for a purpose, and meaningful in this crazy thing we call life!

What are you going to do?

i take pictures...

2010-05-01T17:46:00.000-07:00

Kekasmai Images

the first year.

2010-04-27T11:12:00.000-07:00

this was my first year picture.
it perfectly describes how i felt after that first year in Bend.
amazed that i had made it.
sometimes people say "Jesus is enough, He's all you need."
after my first year in Bend i like to say "You never know that Jesus is all you need until He is all that you have."
i was so alone, afraid, unsure and just plain needy that first year.
i needed everything Jesus has to offer on a daily basis.
that first year put me in a place of dependence that i had never been in.
that first year taught me what real faith was.
i am so thankful for that first year. i don't want to do it again, but i am thankful for it.
it is a year i can always point to when i need to remember the faithfulness of my God.
and so i said it then, let me say it again; Woo-Hoo.
Woo-stinkin'-Hoo.

three years.

2010-04-22T10:08:00.000-07:00

April 22, 2007
i woke up to the sun shining in a new city, a new bedroom and a new life.
hopeful.
scared.
ready.
excited.
unsure.
determined.

1 church.
2 jobs.
6 houses.
2 best friends.
3 favorite coffee shops.
10 times calling friends because i was lost.
7 beautiful peaks.
5 first dates.
1 awesome Rockstar.
66,000 miles put on my car.
100 times up and down the butte.
2 high school youth pastors.
1 broken foot.
12,500 pictures taken.
1,000's of tears.
100's of dreams come true.
18 messages preached.
millions of prayers.
millions of minutes on the phone.

and

1,095 days later.

April 22, 2010
i woke up to the sun shining through my window. it's a new day. it's a new moment. i can't believe all that has happened in the last three years. i can't believe what God has done. i am so thankful. i am so blessed. i am:
hopeful.
scared.
ready.
excited.
unsure.
determined.

*check back in the next couple days for more thoughts on the last 3 years*

happy birthday little man!

2010-04-21T11:00:00.000-07:00

i wanted a "gold star" for my nanny-ing skills an so dove into making the coolest birthday cake for a little boy who LOVES curious George.

in the process:

the finished product:

George gets a close up:Seven wanted to check out the details:

i can't believe "my" little man is 2:eating George was a little bit of a shock:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEVEN!!!! LOVE YA LOADS!

**these photos were taken on my Cell phone and are not meant to be a representation of my photography skills**

some photos.

2010-04-09T17:53:00.001-07:00

i realized i didn't post a lot of photos from my time with my Rockstar when he was here.

i also realized i need to write more.

for now... some photos:

Sunset on Lopez Island
Hike #2.Yes, we smooched.
(note to any young people who may be reading/or seeing these pictures: When you are 24 and have waited and prayed and are 24 and dating a man/woman of God... ONLY then are you allowed to smooch and put such photos on your blog or FB.)
it was sunny.i am basically a goofball and crawl in fox holes.my Rockstar is basically really good looking and serious.
we crack ourselves up.more sunset.we went to the Zoo with my amazing Mama and little Siblings. Mostly, we did our best to look cute....

barefoot.

2010-04-08T11:10:00.000-07:00

one. day. without. shoes.
(^click that link ^to learn more and join the cause.^)

dear Oneighty.

2010-04-04T20:07:00.000-07:00

**Oneighty is the youth ministry of Westside Church. In this post i am referring to it as if it were encompassing the entirety of the students who have been, are, or will be apart of it.**

Dear Oneighty,

It has been nearly 4 years since i met you among the pod-casts of youth groups in the NW. It has been 3.5 years since i first encountered you. It has been over 2.5 years that i have considered you a LARGE part of my life. After so much time i can say without a doubt, I Love You.

This love has not always been fun or easy. It has not offered much tangible reward. It has not always "felt" like skipping through daisies, surrounded by butterflies, but yes this love in my heart will never be easily shaken or replaced. Yes, Oneighty. I. Love. You.

I have often woke up in the night thinking about you. I have had numerous dreams about you. I saw you in a vision before i met you! I often find myself "word vomiting" ideas about how to see you grow, not just in number but in depth, joy, love and life. I think about you when i drive to work. I think about you when i am taking pictures. I think about you every time i see a "u-turn" sign. I think about you when i see certain names in my Faceb**k news feed. I think about you when i smell certain smells. I have high hopes for you. I believe in you. I Love You.

and yet.

I cannot change you.

I can only walk in obedience to what the Lord asks me to do with you, in you and to you! I speak to you often about things that matter. However, more often than not i fear that the words i speak are quickly forgotten. I fear that i will never say the right thing... sometimes i think i do, but then i see your lives and wonder if the words actually came out of my mouth.

Oneighty, I realize that I have mentioned myself a lot in this letter, but really it's about YOU! I Love YOU! I want to see you win more than anything else, and yet it's not up to me to win it for you! YOU have to make the choice. YOU have to actually walk out the will of God on your life! YOU have to choose to be more committed to becoming a disciple of Christ than the next "Prefontaine" or "T. Sw*ft". YOU hold the keys to unlocking the potential that is YOU!

I know i have said it many times, but here i am again; I cannot be at SHS, MVHS and BHS everyday of the week. I cannot reach the 1,000 students that have been prayed for to find a safe place in the building called "180". I can't be at the parties, (stupid) dances, band trips and lunches. YOU. CAN.

Sometimes you look at me to be more, do more, give more, serve more, plan more events, write better messages, be on time, never miss an event, come to your birthday party and lead the best small group ever. Yet, i have a feeling that even if I did all of those things 100% perfectly every time, YOU would not change. YOU would still only boast 52 kids at 10:45 on any given Sunday. YOU would still want more "depth" to your small group. YOU would still want worship to be longer and the message to "hit the mark".

So here is my challenge to you.

BE THE CHANGE YOU LONG TO SEE!

speak up in small group. bring the depth you desire.
worship for an hour before you get to service.
invite a friend to come to church.
preach the message that burns on your heart in the halls of your schools.
stand for what is right.
live for what is truth.
make your spiritual life more of a priority than your wheat field on Farmville.
show up in your clothes from practice, concert, show, meet, game or event.
stay up late to do homework after service.
pray for change. be the change.

YOU have to choose to be committed to becoming a disciple of Christ.

As much as i love you and want to see you win i cannot grow you, teach you, listen to you, encourage you or serve you until YOU take a step in the direction you want to go.

I am not asking you to be famous for your faith.
I am not telling you that you are wrong.
I am not going to stop loving you.
I am not saying you won't make it.
I am not disappointed in you.

I want YOU to hit the call of God on your life.
I want YOU to be fully devoted disciples of Christ.
I want YOU to go further than you ever have.
I want YOU to change the World.
I want YOU to access the Power of God.
I want YOU to WIN!

not only do i want it for you, but i BELIEVE it for you!

Walk out what you say you believe.
Dream bigger than you thought possible.
Worship until you have no voice.
Pray until it's affective.
Run towards Heaven.

and don't forget:

Oneighty. I LOVE YOU,

Cass

join me?

2010-04-04T14:33:00.001-07:00

happy birthday to my rockstar!

2010-03-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

If we didn't have birthdays, you wouldn't be you!
If you'd never been born, than what would you do?
If you'd never been born, than what would you be?
You might be a fish! or a toad in a tree!
You might be a doorknob! Or three baked potatoes!
You might be a bag full of hard green tomatoes!
Or worse than all that... Why, you might be a WASN'T!!!
A Wasn't has no fun at all. No, he doesn't.
A Wasn't just isn't. He's just not present.

But you. You... ARE YOU! And now, isn't that pleasant!

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You."
- Dr. Seuss.

Dean,
i wouldn't trade the you that you are for any other you!
You have blessed my life more in the last 4 months since we met than you could know.
Today the only part of me that is sad is the part that wishes i could be with you on your birthday. I hope your day is full of all the things you love. I hope your sisters & mama spoil you for me. I hope you stand taller knowing i am cheering for you, even from far away. I can't wait to come see you. I can't wait to hike another mountain(or 3) with you! I am blown away by your heart and your kindness. I am blessed by your wisdom and captivated by your heart. Thanks for thinking i look good in sweats and a pony-tail. Thanks for believing in my dream for Africa. Thanks for thinking i have a good voice. You can't even begin to understand how proud i am to call you mine! Wow! I can't even believe that the last few months have un-folded as they have! I am thrilled to have laughed late into the night with you. I am blessed to have had you to hear my tears and calmly tell me everything would be ok! We have jumped some hurdles and won a few races. We have tred some deep water together! My heart dances when i think that i have YOU! to do all these things with... even the hard things.... i am so blessed.

So.

My hope today is that, even though all i have is words from far away, you can hear my heart singing HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Because i only have words, i want you to hear me loud and clear: March 24th will never be just another day on my calendar, i plan on always circling it on the calendar with a heart <3. I plan on always smiling on your birthday. I plan on always writing you a special blog post. Because words are all i have today, hear me when i say;
i love you. happy birthday!
~your girl cassie

Happy Maewyn Succat Day!

2010-03-17T14:09:00.000-07:00

March 17.... more commonly known as St. Patricks Day!

how i do spring....

2010-03-16T23:50:00.000-07:00

check it out over on my photography blog:

How i do Spring.

my two favorite bands.

2010-03-10T17:14:00.001-08:00

i have a lot of music i love.
i mostly just love music in general.
however.
there are two bands that will always have a special place in my heart.
introducing: my two favorite bands.

Silverline. (website? CLICK HERE)

Get It Right

SILVERLINE | MySpace Music Videos
i especially like the drummer. :)

Elliot. (website? CLICK HERE)

yes, it's a Toms Shoes commercial... but the music. Oh the music... it's Elliot.

here's a little Elliot acoustic:

'The Beauty of the Cross' by Fee, Performed by the Authors, Casey Parnell and Corey Parnell from Evan Earwicker on Vimeo.

check them out people.
book a show if you like what you hear.
you won't regret it.
i promise.

meet the Rockstar.

2010-03-02T08:09:00.000-08:00

bloggy world.
meet my Rockstar Dean.
he's here!
we went for a hike.
he kissed my cheek.
and made me smile.
we sat on some rocks.
and checked out the view.
it's been really great.
seriously.
so great.
so fun.
so blessed am i.

wonderful friends.

2010-02-25T23:01:00.000-08:00

i have a few really wonderful friends that i would like the bloggy world to meet:

taylor cailee. my best friend. wow, just wow.

Fabiola Jasmine Maria Caceres. she has a long name and speaks spanish. rad. stephenie. my deep affection for monday mornings comes from this girl!

Jenine. it was her birthday. and her idea to have a photo shoot.

i love us.

re-post.

2010-02-22T19:43:00.000-08:00

i am stealing this from my friend Jordan's blog (jordan on the raw)... but i liked it and it kinda goes with my last post about relationships. He was at a college retreat and this was one of the teachings... i especially like #2 & #9

10 Commandments of Relationships:

1. Guys are the initiators and girls are the responders. Proverbs 18:22. Every lady known as an initiator of relationship in the bible was a whore.

2. Getting coffee does not equal marriage. Going on a date does not even mean you’re dating. Do not put your expectations on coffee.

3. Get a vision for the end before you begin. End meaning the start of your marriage, the alter… Get a vision for where you want to be financially, with your purity, how much baggage you want to bring into the relationship. Habakkuk 2:2, 1 Tim 5:8

4. When on a date guys should make it a goal to ask more questions than talk about themselves. James 1:14. Do not be dogmatic or opinionated, but rather open to new things.

5. Godly relationships stir you to pursue Jesus never to pull away. If a relationship begins to take you away from the church, your small group, and Godly accountability found in covenant friendship it is ungodly.

6. Keep your relationship in the light. 1 John 1:7

7. Guys need to lead the relationship. Lines are to be drawn, not discovered. Guys need to draw those lines and yet not be driven by a spirit of legalism. We are grace people.

8. How far is to far is the wrong question. It should be more like how much can I please God in this relationship. If you can hold her hand without going to bed in your mind then hold her hand. For some you may just need to high five it up for a while. Others kissing is okay… not a set rule.

9. Let the relationship happen naturally, do not force it. Say hello>get to know>be a bro>let it grow>give it a go>don’t be so slow.

10. Be confident and have a sense of humor.

it was just coffee.

2010-02-19T14:19:00.000-08:00

I love coffee.
love it.
love, love, love it.

I am passionate about Christ centered relationships.
I have read nearly EVERY Christian dating book at the Family Christan Store.
I have only had 1 "real" boyfriend. It was a high school relationship. Drama.

I have been reading my dear friend Bianca's Blog for a while now, and have LOVED her post about relationships, dating, coffee dates... click over and make sure to check out the comments page for great dialog!

Now it's my turn to weigh in on the "Christian Dating" conversation. I'm stoked.

A few years back i made a "rule" when it came to guys. My 2 simple rules for saying YES to a guy: #1. does he love Jesus? #2. did he have the guts to ask you out?
If i answered yes to both of those questions, my belief was founded that any Jesus-loving guy who was brave enough to ask me out deserved AT LEAST Coffee.

Based on that rule, over the years i have gone on a TON of coffee "dates"... i told you i love coffee. I'm not saying i took advantage of coffee-buying guys, not at all. I just tried my best not to over-analyze the coffee-drinking, conversation-having moments in my life. I also didn't pray and get a prophetic word before going out to coffee to check with God to see if he could be "the one". it was just coffee. I would of course call my best friend and ask what i should wear, i for sure prayed a quick "please don't let me have insert-foot-in-mouth disorder today!" prayer on my way to the coffee spot. I would call my mom and get excited about the possibility, but i would always try to go into it with the notion that "it was just coffee" and we would see if he got an upgrade to dinner or coffee part 2.

Most guys didn't.

that being said; i've been on a lot of first dates. not very many second ones.

Nov. 19 2009.

the night before i had been asked out to coffee. He loved Jesus. He had the guts to ask me out. Mind you i had never seen this guy before he was walking up to me to ask me for my phone number. I didn't know anything about him. Quite honestly, i had my sights set on someone else... in a big way... however the reality was, that i was single, and he fit the rule. I gave him my number and as soon as i was out the doors i called my best friend FREAKING OUT!

"But i like (So-n-so)! I can't go to coffee with him, i am stuck on someone else!"

Praise the Lord for a best friend who tells you not to freak out and remember who you are. A risk taker.

to coffee i went. it was good coffee. and in fact it was the most interesting first date i had EVER been on. Not because of the weather, or the coffee or the fact that the guy across the table from me was a Rockstar on his way to fame. There was something so different about the conversation than any other coffee date i had ever been on. After coffee we took a walk and went to a park. Fun times jumping off the swings. Even before the final goodbyes were said and the Rockstar headed home, i quickly resumed my affections for "So-n-so".

3 days later everything i had been hoping for and banking with "So-n-so" on for 10 months ended.

10 days after that, and after a few txting conversations i got an email from the Rockstar. he wanted to be my friend. (insert cassie's very puzzled facial expression here). I instantly thought he wanted more than a friendship and being that i was a mess of mixed emotions i shut him down. He didn't relent that easily. 2 days later he told me he wanted to make sure i hit the call of God on my life and that he had no other motives in being my friend other than to see me win at life. Something inside me knew he wasn't bluffing.

friends we became. good friends. long phone conversation friends. lots of txt messaging friends.

2 months and 6 days after our coffee date something changed. i realized i didn't like being friends with this Rockstar. i wanted something else. something more. in the next 7 days we spent some 20 hours on the phone. (yes that's like a part time job!)

11 days after that he bought a plane ticket and i announced to the world of Facebook that i was dating the Rockstar and that he was coming to visit me in 22 days.

this is my blogosphere announcement that i am dating an amazing man of God who lives in Minnesota. Who loves Jesus. He Came to Bend Oregon. Played a show. Saw a girl and was brave enough to ask her to coffee.

in 8 days i will be picking up my Rockstar man from the airport. I would imagine that the day after that we will go on date #2. He might even get an upgrade to dinner. ;)

but remember:

it was just coffee.

quote of the moment.

2010-02-16T15:14:00.000-08:00

"Most people are too Christian to enjoy their sin,
but there is to much sin in most people's lives
to enjoy being a Christian."
-Brother Andrew

my brother. my hero.

2010-02-15T01:26:00.000-08:00

the first post i ever wrote on this blog was dedicated to my older brother:

click here. to read it.

the following is a post my mama wrote on her blog.
i couldn't help but re-post it.
to honor my brother.
my hero.
my American Solider with a name, face, heart and tattoos i love.
i love you Gregory James.
come back soon.
i miss you already.

-----------

A Wounded Soldier

Please pray for my oldest son, Gregg, today. He has packed up his little car and headed out on a new life adventure. He is driving to Texas today ... searching for a new life ... searching for a job ... searching for friends ... searching to find God in new ways ...

Gregg has struggled in his walk with the Lord. He has ridden a roller-coaster of faith for the past 10 years. He wants to get off the roller-coaster. He wants to be grounded in his faith. Yet ... his past haunts him and taunts him.

Gregg served 4.5 years in the army ... serving 2.5 of it on the front lines in Ir*q. Gregg was a gunner on a humvee for 6 months. He was a humvee driver for 6 months. And, he was a sniper in Baghd*d for 1.5 years. Gregg has seen and experienced more in his young life than any of us ever want to see or experience. Gregg relives those years ... in his nightmares.

Gregg is moving to Texas. He has an army buddy there. This friend, is his only friend, that can truly understand what haunts him. No one else can understand, unless they have walked in his army boots.

Please pray for Gregg ...

... that the Lord would protect him as he drives.

... that the Lord would lead him and direct him.

... that he would truly give up control of his life,
to the Lord.

The following was written recently by Gregg ... on his Fac*book page. I don't have Fac*book, so I wasn't aware of it until he told me about it last night.

I am sharing this with you, so you might get a glimpse into his heart ... the heart of a hurting young man ... who returned from war ... with many unseen wounds.

written by Gregg (age 25)

Pain. It's what is real in my life
It's the only thing that is true
I look inside but find nothing more than a fire
It burns so bright, but is consuming everything
With little left I have to do something
Somehow I must stop it all
If time could stop, I hold my breath
In hopes to stop the flames
I know I must turn my back on this

How much pain does it take
How many tears must fall
There's a fire inside
It's consuming everything
Why can't I stop it all
I'm losing my grip
This pain is driving the tears
Oh how I must give up control
I've only made a mess of it
All this brokenness around me
Will I finally give up control

Having let go
Light in this darkness
There is only one that can pilot this ship
From the edge
Driven back to the light
But the pull of darkness is strong
I keep looking back
It's there, yes it's still there
Giving up control is the way
Craziness still has its grip on my arm

Every day it's open
Every day it's there
Every day it's honest
Every day it's kept on hold
Every day it's always so loud
Every day it's why I fall on my face
Every day it's why I cry out
Every day it's why I hope
Every day it's why I trust in Him
Every day it's why I know
Every day it's why the sun comes up
Every day it's cause of the beauty that I see

He is why I turn away
He is why I trust
He is why I open up my soul
He is why my heart is put back together
He is why I cry
He is who I meet
He is who I know
He is who I trust
He is who I love

Without Him I am lost
Without Him I hurt
Without Him I can't hold on
Without Him I fall into the darkness
Without Him I have no faith
Without Him I have no hope

Because of Him I see
Because of Him I am healed
Because of Him I take one step and then another
Because of Him I have hope
Because of Him I step out in faith
Because of Him I see what He has for me
Because of Him I can let go

To change
To turn about
To walk away
To hold fast to Him
To know that life goes on
To know LOVE, His love
To believe Him

what happened to grace?

2010-01-24T19:31:00.000-08:00

grace |grās| noun
1 the free and unmerited favor of a superior.
2 simple elegance or refinement of movement.
• an attractively polite manner of behaving.

this word has been swirling around in my head for 2 months. exactly 2. i have had countless conversations about it. i have lay awake at night thinking about it. i have word vomited my thoughts on it to countless people. it's been churning inside me in a very deep place.

the Church has lost grace. bold statement? perhaps. too bold? not in my opinion. the Church is really good at blame, judgment and condemnation. Grace? not always. Sometimes? yeah for sure... but in general, the way i see it; grace is missing in the Church.

don't get me wrong. we (the Chruch) LOVE receiving grace. we love the grace of God. we love that he reaches down from Heaven and extends his FAVOR to us. Not because of anything we have or have not done. (Romans 3:24) However in my recent observation of grace we don't have a very accurate picture of grace.... We go to church and ask for a touch of grace. We seek a moment of grace. We see grace as the band-aid to our sin. Grace is so much more than a band-aid or warm fuzzy we feel in worship. UNMERITED FAVOR! It has nothing to do with us. nothing. i can't sing loud enough, pray hard enough, cry big enough tears. i can't do anything. it just is. grace. it reaches for us and all we have to do is believe that it's there, receive it and start to live righteous lives because of it. i don't have to have my crap together to receive it. if i thought i did or tried to, i wouldn't be receiving grace, i'd be trying to get my gold stars for doing my chores.

so what happened to it? if we understand those statements about grace, does it stop there? is grace solely unmerited favor from God? can grace move through us? can it go beyond us?

sometimes i think it gets stuck at the altar. and sadly, i think we are often ok with that.

i see people who have loved God. known God. walked with God. soaked in his presence. seen his healing. prayed the prayers. waved the banners. served the poor. gone to Africa. done the stuff. hit the mark. walked in calling and purpose.

but.

sometimes.

even these people stumble and fall. they miss the mark. the drink more and worship less. they party more and listen less. they booty-dance it up. they wave different banners.

what happened to grace for these ones? yeah. these ones. the ones who loved, served, prayed, cried, worshiped, went. then, for whatever reason, they drank, partied, danced, messed up. what happened to grace for them?

sometimes stuff happens. and we get distracted from the call of God. we get messed up. we miss the mark. does grace extend to us then? does grace extend even to those places?

biblicaly? heck yes.

Churchly? not so much.

churchly is for sure not a word, but hang in there. we (the Church) love the lost. (at least we claim to). we love to see people "miraculously" saved. We love to see people do a 180 from growing up in a cult to leading worship on our mission trips. We love to see the tattooed ex-drug crazies passionately pursuing Jesus. We love to see the savage in the jungle hear the truth for the first time. we love the salvation stories of those who never knew a loving God. We even make videos to tell their stories at big events. transformation. the word alone gets us all in a happy dance.

is this grace? yes.

We(the church) are real bad at it when it comes to those who have once had the "it" of God on their life and for whatever reason have lost it. We don't extend grace to them. We leave them in their crap and judge them harshly when they come to back looking for hope.

the part 2 of the definition gets me.

2 simple elegance or refinement of movement. •an attractively polite manner of behaving.

if this is grace we need more of it in the way we act towards those who are lost. those have been here and are out "there". i am sick of the dirty looks, sassy faces and "witty" comments. i am over the fake pity extended to those who have known God and for some reason have missed it for a time. i am ready for real grace to be found by the church again. undeserved, unmerited favor.

i won't go on about the word favor, but ponder for a minute what that one looks like.

as for me...

i am going to stop trying to do my chores and get my stars.
i am going to live in the grace that has been extended towards me.
i am going to press on towards righteous living.
i am going to extend grace to the lost.
i am going to extend grace to the ones who have lost what they once had.
i am going to try and move and act with a refinement of movement.

5 years ago today...

2010-01-19T11:06:00.000-08:00

i took this picture:
i can hardly believe it's been 5 years. for some reason this was one of my favorite schools we visited in The Gambia, West Africa. Perhaps its because this picture is from it, or perhaps it's because i remember the little kiddos prayers.... i'm not sure exactly, but i do know that my hearts is aching to go back to Africa. especially today for some reason.

oh.nine.

2009-12-30T22:55:00.000-08:00

oh.nine. you were mighty fine. last year, right about now, you were full of wonder and excitement. right now you are full of memories. for now, here's my thankful list from this wondrous, exciting, memory filled year.

i'm thankful for...
...january 30 2009. you will always be the day that held a surprise, that changed my life.
...snow. although it's cold, it really is beautiful.
...-4* weather to walk through drake park and take pictures in.
...february 7th. the day jenna left to live a dream i got to pray into. rad.
...learning about love on so many levels.
...mexico. you will always tear me apart. in so many ways.
...day trips to portland. fantastic girl time at Forever21.
...photog genius surrounding my life. Alycia White. Benjamin Edwards. Gary&Courtney. AbiQ. Jasmine Star. You all inspire me to pursue my dreams.
...preaching. this is what i was created to do.
...road trips to Seattle and beyond. Oh Pike Place, always save me some french bread love.
...february 21. i moved in with 3(+baby) people i barely knew and now call family. Mike, Allie, Sienna and Brie my heart is forever thankful for each of you in my life. seriously i am blessed beyond words.
...email. it connects me to places unseen by my eyes.
...ali roberts. small. powerful. mighty.
...wintercamp09. changed my life.
...april 12. the easter that changed my perspective on eternity on my doorstep.
...healing that is undeniably God.
...april 21. celebrating 2 years in Bend Oregon.
...living out dreams.
...Beth Fischer. Seriously. NO WORDS could describe the thankful spot in my heart for you.
...Mission-Minded quotes. oh Ann Dunagan, you feed my mission driven heart!
...i heart sisters.
...the sound that gmail chat makes when you receive an instant message, it gave me 2,000 heart attacks, a million goose bumps and stopped the waiting. i will always recognize it.
...the hike up Dog Mountain that taught me to preserver.
...truth reviled. although painful, healing will come. J,S & R, i love you with all my heart and wish i could have saved you each from the pain of a world so far away, and lost in sin.
...family. for the first time in 2 years we were all together this summer. thanks Jesus, that was great.
...road trips to California. too much fun to list.
...wake boarding. Eric & Lindsey, please come back to teach me more tricks this summer!
...Lopez Island. Mama, i know you think i hate it, but i don't.
...Pastor Cliff Tadema. Thanks for believing in my Papa. My heart has never been more proud.
...13 questions that i never saw the answers to, but know they changed a life.
...lunch on wednesdays. it's always cheap food, but BRILLIANT conversation. Stephenie Madsen i blame you for my deep affection for wednesdays, but wouldn't have it any other way.
...Jesse & Taylor. WOW! need i say more?
...Twitter. seriously who told me this was a good idea?!?!
...July 26th. Jeremiah. way to take a risk.
...perspective. it changes things.
...real grace. thank you, thank you Lord we praise you. You ARE GOOD. Jordan, the words that you penned, but i'm sure were stolen from my heart.
...skype. CarissaLynn i believe Jesus invented skype for us.
...fuel for my dreams. Katie Davis. Bianca Juarez. Shilo Taylor. real life heroes.
...P.B.&J. Lashae Brewer. You, sister, inspire me.
...september 21 septemeber 28, october 10, october 19, november 21, november 22 -wonderful yet painful. i wouldn't trade you for the world on a string.
...hope that never dies or runs out.
...surprises 7 years later. i can plan my life, but only God knows how it will unfold and pop out to surprise me. i love it that way.
...my 180 lifegroup girls. i love you all.
...Seven. you will always and forever have a very special place in my heart. i love you.
...seasons. they change. they add flavor.
...my parents. they will live in a Mansion in heaven, i'm sure of it.
...Silverline Music. not my favorite band, not my favorite style of music, but i respect these 5 men of God who walk in the anointing God has placed on them, even if they play mean jokes on me :)
...my Nikon D70. Keep clicking away ole'buddy, you serve me well.
...Phil Gammel. You saved my imac. for this i am eternally grateful. I have your Christmas present waiting for you.
...Westside church. You are only a building, but you contain a vision that challenges me to run well.
...losing control. it's a brilliant miracle that we need to embrace.
...podcasting messages from around the world. food to my soul. yummers.
...my Jesus who never turns away from me. Thanks friend. We had a good year. You kept me sane in the silence and lonely times. You held my hand and held me back. You saved me over and over.
...my Abba in Heaven. You love me and i move your heart. this will always amaze me. Thanks for speaking to me in so many ways. thanks for guarding me. Let's keep talking in 2010.
...my counselor, The Holy Spirit, thanks for the Power to walk in the ways of the righteous. without you i am lost. Thanks for the intimacy i long for. Thanks for the whispers and peace. Thanks for taking my secrets to the throne. Thanks for bridging the gap between the seen and unseen. thanks for the signs of who You are.

this is what i can think of at midnight. i am thankful for so much. i'm sure i missed somethings, but seriously. i am so thankful for this last year. it was truly full of wonder and when i said "bring it on" last year on my blog... i had NO IDEA what i was getting into. but so thankful i did.

my least favorite 4 letter word.

2009-12-10T12:40:00.000-08:00

"On one occasion, while he was eating with them, he gave them this command: "Do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift my Father promised, which you have heard me speak about. For John baptized with water, but in a few days you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit.""

Acts 1:4-5

w-a-i-t.

waiting; stinks. is a bummer. is not fun.

i waited to take my turn on the little red bike. This is the thing about sharing bikes. You must wait.

i waited on the couch for the arrival of 2 little bundles papa & mama were bringing home. this is the thing about babies, they take awhile to get here and you must wait.

i waited for my birthday. this is the thing about birthdays, they only come once a year. You must wait.

i waited for track season to come. Winter had to come before spring, and so you must wait.

i waited for the plane to land in the place i only saw in my dreams. India is far away and so you must wait for the plane to land.

i was told a promise, without a date of delivery on it, but a promise non the less. it's out there and i must wait.

i waited for the secret to become a reality. it did, but i had to wait as to not spoil the surprise.

i waited for the phone call. it never came, but a few days later an email came in it's place.

tic-tic-tic-tic. the sound of the clock was never comforting in the waiting, it just proved that i was. waiting. the crossing off days on the calendar only furthered the proof that i was waiting. a certain "bleep" noise often gave me a heart attack and was proof that, for at least a moment, the waiting was over. sometimes waiting is an obvious state of being. sometimes it's kind of sneaky. sometimes when you are waiting you hold your breath. sometimes when you are waiting you skip through daisies.

i had been waiting for a certain something so long, i waited subconsciously. The waiting. it's there, but you aren't always conscious of the effect it has on your life. Eventually the waiting ended, or so i thought it did. But it really didn't. And then it really did. This is when i realized i had been so caught up in my subconscious waiting i forgot to actually breath.

after nearly a year of waiting i got a answer, not the one i wanted or expected or had spent many nights hoping for, but the complete opposite.

2 weeks and 3 days later i heard something. it shocked me in my seat and sent my mind whirling: "you've been waiting for the wrong thing. The waiting you were doing wasn't wasted or wrong, but your focus in the waiting could have been better directed.Wait. for. the Holy. Spirit. Wait."

i wasn't distracted waiting for the wrong thing. i just could have waited better.

i hate waiting. hate. yes it's strong word, but it's the truth. i am getting good at it, but that doesn't make me love it....it just means i can do it.

a new normal has taken over my life in the last 19 days. i'm still waiting, but instead of waiting to hear the "bleep" that gives me a heart attack, i am waiting to hear a voice. a still. small. voice. a kind voice. a voice that doesn't condemn me, but builds me up. i am waiting on the Holy Spirit.

And when i have waited long enough i know that the waiting will turn into holding the promise. the promise with an un-known delivery date. the promise that won't delay. the promise that only the Holy Spirit knows the tracking number to.

but for now i am learning more and more to embrace this little 4 letter word.

and so.

i wait.

the art of surrender. part2.

2009-12-04T14:45:00.000-08:00

Surrender (sur⋅ren⋅der) –verb: to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield.

i like to think of myself as an artist of sorts. i can paint pictures in my head much better than i can on a canvas. i can capture moments in time with the push of a button and the right lighting. i can attempt to convey an image with words.

i also like to think of myself as a closet perfectionist. i love it when things are symmetrical and balanced. i like the dumbers 6, 10, 22 and 150 because they divide in half perfectly. i like my socks to match, and not only each other, but what i am wearing. i like my bed to be made everyday. i like my books in order and my nails painted, not chipped. and although i like all those things that way, i am not anal about them being that way. My bed is not currently made, i have more books in boxes than on my shelf in order. just re-painted my nails, and they are already chipping.

surrender. it's a tough word. it's not a word that makes me want to jump up and down and do the happy dance. it's not easy or fun. Every time i think i have surrendered something God, i find out i can surrender it more. Many times i go to the alter. i fall on my face. i give up my life to the will of God, and yet 24 minutes later i am trying to pick it all back up and figure it out. this is why i say surrender is an art.

i have been learning to yield my desires to the perfect will of God. To give up what i think is best in exchange for the un-known is a scary place to be. To be headed one direction and all of a sudden find the road ended with no warning or sign of continuing is terrifying. Relinquishing my control to the Power of someone i can't see is hard to do. this is why i say surrender is an art.

not very many artist wake up at age 2 and can paint 'a starry night' (van gogh). It takes time and practice. it takes messy up a few (hundred) canvases to get it right. it takes throwing the brush down and walking away. it takes the understanding that it may take years before you get it right. not every artist will be known like van gogh. Not every painting will be sold for the value the painter put into it. learning all these things builds the artist up. makes them a stronger artist and person.

surrender makes me stronger. it builds me up. it may take me a few hundred times to get it right. it may take me throwing my hands up and walking away. it may take years to understand the reasons behind the surrender. it's not easy or fun... yet somehow in surrender there is Joy. real. lasting. Joy. that doesn't come from a free coffee, nice smile or splendid weather. It's unshakable by our circumstances, it lasts beyond this moment, it lifts you up and holds your head high when situations want to get the best of you. this is why i say surrender is an art.

i think this joy comes from the deep set knowledge that The One i am surrendered to holds the keys to life and death. I am surrendering my desires for His un-imaginable plan. I am surrendering my hope for a Hope that never ends. I am surrendering my future to Someone who holds eternity in the palm of his hand. this is why i say surrender is an art.

the art of surrender.

2009-12-03T22:53:00.000-08:00

here i sit in the messy studio called life. On the wall to my left there is nothing but a huge canvas. It's framed beautifully, but the painting is not complete. The edges are all there and the paint is creeping into the middle, only part of the picture is clear, as if the artist doesn't know how to fill in the blank spots. The once white sheets that cover the hard wood floor are matted and covered in all shades of emotions. Red. Blue. Purple. Green. Yellow. The stool i sit on is strong from the foundation i came from and soft from the love i have been growing in. The water that cleans the paint brushes is made mostly from tears i have collected. Half painted canvases lay about the room. They are dreams that have yet to be framed by the years of a life lived long. the tin and rusting garbage can is full of crumpled sketches that never made it from the notebook pages to a canvas. They are the dreams that were born from silly places, mad places and places only meant to grow a creative imagination. Behind me is a window. Sun light pours in from the cold outdoors and warms my back. I can hear the wind rushing through the juniper trees. The door is open a bit and i can hear the music of other lives pouring in as if to encourage me to keep painting. My tshirt is stained from sweat and paint. I think the left sleeves has a mascara stain that will never come out. The jeans i wear are ripped at the knees and hem, those are the perks of being short and spending time on my knees. I like to paint barefoot. My toenails are pink. My hair is a beautiful dark mess of curls and braids. My face is striped in different shades of pale by the tear streaks in my foundation. My blue eyes stare wildly at the mostly white canvas on the easel in front of me. Searching for the brush i need, my hands shake and knock something off the table that rolls across the floor. I think it was a bouncy ball. As i look back at the canvas the confusion of what i am working on stares back at me. There is vision in my head. There is something i am trying to convey in this piece, yet it doesn't seem to be making sense. The colors are blending weird and the moments are passing drying them in places i didn't expect them to stay. It looks differently than what i had originally thought i was painting. It's beautiful, but not what i thought it would be. I hear my Teacher behind me...somewhere beyond the window, encouraging me to keep painting. Telling me that it's OK, and that this happens to all His students. I dip the brush into my favorite color. Purple. Music. As i bring the brush to the canvas i can feel my hand shaking and the tears coming. Listening to the Instructor i let the wet paint brush glide across the stiff canvas just as i am told, not because i understand, but because i trust my Teacher.

get faithful friends.

2009-11-28T22:51:00.000-08:00

In 24 years i have had my fair share of friends. Best friends. Facebook friends. Camp friends. Long-distance friends. School friends. Twitter followers/friends. Choir friends. Work friends. Myspace friends. Car friends. Long time friends. Short term friends. Deep friends. Pen-pal friends. Shallow friends. Sports friends.

the ones that have impacted my life and i hold closest to my heart have one thing in common: they are faithful friends.

faithful friends are hard to find, but once they are there they most likely will not be going anywhere soon. this is part of the brilliance of faithful friends.

need a shoulder to cry on because your mom is too far away? get faithful friends.

want someone to txt until midnight just because your room is too quiet? get faithful friends.

need the truth spoken in love but your dad won't answer his phone? get faithful friends.

want to look at someone and know that they know your thoughts? get faithful friends.

need a place to sleep because your room is lonely? get faithful friends.

want to wake up at 3 am but need a good reason to? get faithful friends.

need to know you can "ugly" cry without worry of silly looks? get faithful friends.

want to look forward and see something constant in your life? get faithful friends.

this is Jesse and Taylor. J and T. Jesse and Tay. Pastor Jesse and T.T.

these are my faithful friends. My thankful list for them is longer than Santa's shopping list.

I remember the first time i met each of them. I remember lots of random encounters with them. Good Friday 2008. I remember watching from a distance as they fell in love. I remember sipping chai with Tay as she told the story of Jesse's proposal. I remember talking wedding plans. I remember Jan. 30 2009 so clearly.... but mostly i remember God's hand in it all. It's all HIS fault. He set us up, and we fell for it...I could never have guessed upon meeting either of them that just a few short years later our lives would be where they are now.

fun.
laughter.
breakfast.
family outings.
pain.
fajitas.
swings.
trials.
coffee dates.
prayer txting.
weddings.
tears.
hopes.
biggest loser.
ferry rides.
michael buble.
late night adventures.
safeway.
wishes.
floating the river.
road trips.
coupons.
hospital visits.
cup cakes in a mug.
prayers.
dreams.

They have been the essence of faithful. The sacrifices they have made to let me be apart of their life blow my mind. The way they love me as if i was family is astounding. The prayers they have prayed on my behalf have blessed my heart beyond words. The belief they have in the call of God on my life is humbling. The way they show selfless love towards each other is an example i have yet to see matched (other than by my parents).

Jesse, thanks for sharing your amazing wife with me. I'm so grateful. I'm sure you didn't think the first year of marriage would look anything like it has... much less that your wife would have a twin/shadow. Thank you for going to Seattle so we could have a girls weekend. Thank you for letting her rub my back and wipe my tears as i fall asleep. Thanks for sharing the incredible gift God gave you in Tay. I'm blessed that you would share her with me so freely and graciously.

Tay. There really are no words. Between the 2 of us in the last few months i am pretty sure there is nothing we have not faced. The giggles. The tears. The pain (physical & emotional). The joys. The silliness. I never thought i would get another sister, but God had a surprise for me hidden away in Bend via McMinnville and Bend again. I am so blessed. I love that we finish each others sentences and thoughts. I love that we laugh at the same things. I love that we order chai exactly the same way. i love that both our dad's are pastors. I love that we both LOVE michael buble and may or may not take pictures of the TV when he is on. I love that we can sit in silence and be completely ok with it. I love that when words are not enough you just are. i love that we can eat a whole bag of puppy chow together. i love that we have had a consistent txting conversation for about 8 months. I love that my days end with a goodnight from you and start with a good morning. I love that we can talk about the deepest things 1 minute and in an instant can be laughing so hard we are crying. I love that we wear the same size. Thank you for everything you have been to me this year. Thanks for being my mom when i needed it. Thanks for being my Best Friend. Thanks for being a sister in Bend. Thanks for being YOU. Thanks for being honest. Thanks for believing in my dreams. Thanks for wanting the BEST for me. Thanks for sharing your kitchen with me. This blog post could not contain the reasons i am blessed by you. Even in the last 7 days, as life has taken another twist or 2, you have been faithful and wonderful to me through it all. i am so blessed. my heart is overwhelmed with thanksgiving and all i wish is that i was better at showing it.

dear Jesus, thank you for J and T. thanks for incredibly fun times. thanks for the faithfulness of friends that only you can give. Jesus, bless them YOUR BEST... Open doors they never dreamed possible. Take them to places they never imagined. Bring encouragement at the perfect moments. Shower down wisdom where it's needed. Drop surprises at the perfect times. Set them up with people who enhance the dreams and calling you have placed on their lives. Set your kingdom before them as a prize to reach for. Enlarge the ministry you have called them to. Deepen the deep places. Open the windows of heaven and let your presence envelope them. Keep all kinds of evil away from their house. Cover them with your protection. Provide for all their needs and some of the wants too. Show your faithfulness evident in their marriage and life. Mostly, will you somehow show the thanks and gratefulness that my heart and hands can't type into a blog post. Amen.

this is where i am.

2009-11-24T17:38:00.000-08:00

this is where i am.
lost.
confused.
found.
focused.
safe.
grateful.
sad.
un-sure.
full of faith.

this is where i may be for a little while, but knowing it will pass is a heart warming thought.

"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, "He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him."But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved. Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 10:35-11:1

thanks for your grace as i walk out this season. it feels like a horrible ending, but i know it's just the beginning of somethings beautiful and brilliant.

get RAD parents.

2009-11-09T16:49:00.000-08:00

ok, so i did my "Get 7 brothers" and "Get 5 sisters" posts... i was going to title this one, "get parents", but for some reason it didn't seem to work...

need anything? get RAD parents they will at least do what they can to make sure you get it.

want to know how to make good food? get RAD parents, they teach these types of things.

need advise from a million miles away? get RAD parents, they gladly will offer.

want to drink chocolate milk, just for fun? get RAD parents.

need a shoulder to cry on? get RAD parents they own lots of tear stained t-shirts.

want to laugh until you cry? get RAD parents they are funny folks.

My parents are stinking AMAZING! I don't even know how i got so blessed with them! I am probably one of the luckiest girls in the world.Papa and Mam'moo have been married for 27 years and get cuter and cuter all the time!

My Papa loves my Mama and they have been amazing examples of self-less living. I don't even know how they have been able to do all the things they have done. The only explanation of who they are is the POWER of God working in them and through them. They don't waver in the sight of adversity, they don't bend at the change of popular culture. They stand. They look UP for direction. They blow my mind with the strength they have exhibited through the thick and thin of life.

Cancer. Tumors. Surgeries. Death. Sickness. War. Pain.

things that make most people shutter have only brought strength to my parents. Not easy, but who says working out is a piece of cake? They have muscles, because of the fight they have fought.

they fight for their marriage.
they fight for their kids.
they fight for truth.
they fight.

dear Jesus, thank you for my parents. thanks for silly times. thanks for the love that nothing can take away. Jesus, please bless my parents with YOUR BEST... Open doors they never dreamed possible. Make straight the crooked and crazy paths. Bring encouragement into the dark place. Drop confetti on the bright places. Bring wisdom in chaos. Break off anything that hinders what you have for them. Set your kingdom before them as a prize to reach for. Enlarge the ministry you have called them to. Grow the weaker areas. Deepen the deep places. Give them new dreams, more desires, let the Holy Spirit inspire creative thoughts and ideas. Most of all give them everything i failed to as a daughter. Give them grace. love. provision. Amen.

the pressure of growth.

2009-11-04T16:53:00.000-08:00

i feel like i need a t-shirt that says: Warning! Contents under pressure. Much Grace needed.

i'm in a microwave of spiritual growth right now, and it's way intense.

the pressure of loving deeply.
to love at all is to risk. to love beyond what you thought possible is to forgive. to love beyond forgiveness is to lose control. In the last 5 months i have learned to love deeply. Someone i love hurt others and hurt me in the process. i learned to forgive them through a process of choosing love not hate. beyond that i learned to love them so deeply that i realized last week i was willing to do anything to control that love. i loved to the point of tears. i loved to the point of breaking. i loved deeply. when it came to let the risk of that love go i realized how deep it was. i won't stop loving this person, but i won't be able to control how that love is shown, accepted or received. all i can do is continue to love. in the pressure of learning to love deeply my heart was wrung and possibly broken. however, somehow in that broken, hurt place i realized that i can't stop loving the "un-lovable". i can't control how that love is taken. i can't lock my heart up because of hurt. i can love again. i can love more deeply. i can love beyond what i thought was possible or reasonable.

the pressure of trusting deeply.
i could put a "..." from my loving deeply to trusting deeply, because they go hand in hand. to love deeply is to trust deeply. to trust deeply is to believe that beyond your control of the situation is a God who is 100% faithful. He always comes through. ALWAYS. in the last week i have had to figure out how to take that from my head and heart and into my hands, feet & speech. i have to trust with my life. i have to trust that letting go of what i thought i could control is the best thing i can do. i have to trust that in letting go, flight will come, healing will come and LIFE will come. Not because it "just happens" but because the faithfulness of God is undeniable. do i really trust who God says he is?

the pressure of deep faith.
i am tired of the word faith. i'm over it. i'm over the Christian lingo. i'm over people telling me to "stir up my faith". Not because i don't have faith, but because we have lost sight of what faith really is. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (Heb. 11:1) Certain of what we DO NOT SEE. i can't see where the money will come from. i can't see how the healing will come. i can't see the buyer for a house. i can't see the promise. Certain of these things? Not because i have some secret knowledge of how they will happen or that they are a guarantee, but because i have FAITH in a God who hasn't failed me yet. we (the church) are really good at talking about faith, however i see us worrying and complaining a lot more than we are actually living the faith we claim to have.

so please excuse me if i've been emotional. please forgive me if i have offended you. please don't think i don't like you if i didn't smile or say hello. i'm in a microwave. i'm being stretched like a balloon already full of air, with someone still blowing. the pressure is intense. i don't have all the answers. i don't even understand this growth, i just can feel it happening.

yesterday i cried "Jenna tears" or "pretty tears". the kind that come from somewhere else and gently slide down your cheeks and onto the table. the kind where, somehow you know your face is not looking all crooked and weird, but soft and beautiful. it was in that moment that the pain of what i had been feeling collided with the light and i saw the growth that had been happening. it was rich and beautiful. i didn't even care who saw the tears. somehow i knew it was going to be ok.

so please excuse me if i've been bold and crazy. please forgive me if i screened my calls. please don't take my silence as pride. i'm in a greenhouse and it's sticky in here.

i'm sorry if this post is vague and cryptic. i can't explain the details behind the deep love. i can't explain the pain behind the deep trust. but if you see me and my eyes are bluer. if my passion seems quiet. if my hair is wild and un-tamed. it has nothing to do with bad things. it's the pressure of growth coming to the surface. my one request is that you please give grace to this growth.

get 5 sisters.

2009-10-30T08:10:00.000-07:00

can't find the right shoes to wear with that one outfit? get 5 sisters. One of them is bound to wear the same size.
need someone to giggle with during the wee-hours of the morning? get 5 sisters. They are perfect for this kind of thing.can't decide if you want to cut your hair or keep it long? get 5 sisters. One of them might look like you and have the opposite of what you do.... look at a picture of them to decide.
want to skype date just because your room is too quiet and you need someone to hear you think while you edit 900 pictures? get 5 sisters. they are perfect for these occasions.
need to tell someone how good-looking that guy is but your friends are sick of hearing about him? get 5 sisters. most likely they want to tell you the same sort of thing.
God knew i would be somewhat of a girly-girl, so he gave me 5 sisters to share in the FUN!
God knew i would need someone's shoulder to cry on when words didn't meet a need, so he gave me 5 sisters knowing at all times at least 1 shoulder would be free.
God knew i couldn't handle 7 brothers all alone, so he gave me 5 sisters to tickle, tackle and race those brothers with.

sister #1 {Carissa Lynn age 20)She was born with the most insane hair ever! Beautiful BLACK straight hair that covered her whole little head and stood straight up all the time!!! It was easier to tell those little twins apart because of that wonderful hair. Carissa was my first sister and ray of sunshine being that i was stuck between two crazy boys! She was great for any sisterly activities growing up. She loved everything i did... which was great until i was 12 and wanted to not having little clones. By the time i was 16 i got over it and realized that no matter how many 'friends' stabbed me in the back or were mean, Carissa would always be there and it would work out lots better for both of us if i didn't mind if she wanted to be like me. I'm honored to have this one in my life. She is one of my real-life-living heroes. Carissa speaks Spanish, dreams Spanish, eats Spanish and lives Spanish in Argentina! Someday she will come visit me in Africa... but first i have to get there...

**Secret about Carissa: her "wing-span" (finger tip to finger tip) is longer than she is tall!**

sister #2 {Lindsey Marie age 20}7 minutes after sister #1 i got sister #2!!!! I seriously must be the luckiest girl ever, you see i already had 2 brothers and am pretty sure i would have been totally happy with 1 little sister, but instead of 1 i got 2 in one day!!! Lindsey also had GREAT hair when she was born, black straight hair that lay perfectly in place on her perfectly round head! The problem Lindsey had when she was little was being twin #2, see not only was she twin #2, but D kiddo #5! This is a big place to fill in the family.... she was the caboose for a year and a half and it wasn't all that grand! Lindsey is my little musical sister, when we were little she was on a dance team, took piano lessons, sang all the time and as she grew up learned guitar and kept music within reach at all times. Lindsey is also my only sibling that has been to a country that will always have rights to a top 5 favorites ever spot in my heart, INDIA! Don't tell her, but i am actually quite jealous that she got to see more of the country than i did. Lindsey is full of passion for life and Christ. I'm excited to see what God's BEST is for Lindsey!!!

**secret about Lindsey: she had the first broken bone in our family**

sister #3 {Hosanna Joy age 13}Literally a dream come true is Hosanna. I was 10 years old and as i did a lot of mornings growing up i went into Mama's bathroom to watch her "get ready" for the day. As i sat on the toilet and she did her makeup i told her about the dream i had the night before; In the dream i got a new little sibling more specifically a little sister!!! Unbeknown to my little 10 year old mind, my parents were not "planning" on another little D coming anytime soon. However not too long later we were sorting socks as a family and my dad asked me if i remembered the dream i had... this was the creative way to tell us kids that Baby #8 was on it's way! I started jumping around and being all excited before any of my siblings could catch up with the fact that i had a dream. For a LONG 9 months i had to wait to make sure the second part of my dream came true. it did. Enter our first blond sister! Hosanna and i shared a room for 7 years+ (-6months) + 2 years. We are super close. I'm not sure who is more like who. Hosanna clapped on beat at 11 months. Started singing before she could talk, and started playing piano when her fingers couldn't stretch a 5th across the keys. Hosanna has the most beautiful heart. She serves people without question or expectant to be rewarded. She was my little ministry side-kick and shadow for 2 years. There are not many 13 year olds who willingly listen to Podcast sermons; Hosanna is one of them. There are not many girls who have been the youngest girl who take to being a big sister to 2 little sisters... she has done it like a pro. **Secret about Hosanna: she has the greatest giggle ever.**

sister #4 {Sarah Katherine age 10}Just when i thought i wasn't going to have anymore sisters, Sarah's face showed up in an email and my heart melted. I like to tell Sarah that she looks just like me, but she doesn't believe me... i don't know what mirror she looks in everyday, but i see the resemblance perfectly. Sarah is an artist. 5 months after she came home from Africa she won a top prize at the Northwest Washington Fair for a painting she entered! Sarah is a thinker. She likes to ponder new information and has a never ending list of questions. Sarah likes to go swimming and play outside. You would never guess it at first meeting Sarah, but she is a little joker... she picks up on my dad's silly jokes really quickly and instantly her little laugh comes out with a big "nu-uh Dad"! **Secret about Sarah: she keeps things very organized.**

sister #5 {Rachel Rose age 8}the new caboose to our girly side of things! Rachel is quirky and silly. Spunky and wild. Quiet and sensitive. Rachel has the greatest little giggle, however for the first little while when she came home we didn't know if she laughed at all.... it was stuck inside somewhere, but when it came out i think we were all so shocked and blessed we all started laughing! Rachel's laugh is something you have to experience. It's for sure not fake. Being that Rach is the youngest girl she has somehow already figured out how to keep up with all her big brothers and sisters. She runs the mile only a few seconds behind Elijah and also does it with a smile! Last year when i was home for Christmas i played a mean joke on Rachel and threw her (literally) into a huge snow drift... in her pajamas and socks! She was shocked by the cold, recovered quickly, put her snow clothes on and asked me to do it again! Rachel's eyes carry secrets of 6 years i will never understand or be able to see. Rachel's heart carry's the potential to change the world, and i believe she will. **secret about Rachel: she would rather sleep on top of her blankets so to not mess up her perfectly made bed.**

get 5 sisters. you'll never regret it.

dear Jesus, thank you for my sisters. thanks for silly girly times. thanks for hair to braid, dresses to share, secrets to keep and dreams to share. thanks for the love that nothing can take away. thanks for the secret, invisible, incredible bond we all have. Jesus, please bless my sisters with YOUR BEST... when they are tempted to settle for good and pleasing, remind them that your BEST is just outside their view and it's worth it. please keep all creepy guys far away or i might sin in kicking/scaring them FAR away! Bless each of them with a man who fears you before me and my dad. A man who's #1 goal is to honor you with his life. Show each of my sisters the glorious things you want them to do. Set your kingdom before them as a prize to reach for. Most of all give them everything i failed to as a big sister. Give them grace. love. protection. Amen.

get 7 brothers.

2009-10-27T22:22:00.000-07:00

great strategy for keeping creepy guys away? get 7 brothers. it scares them right down to the bone.

need to understand football to impress a great guy? get 7 brothers. they know all about football.

need to learn how to put someone in a head-lock should they attack you? get 7 brothers. they are good at teaching such things.

want to understand why guys say some of the things they say? get 7 brothers. sometimes they shed light on such subjects.

want to know if you look good for a date but not "too good"? get 7 brothers. they GLADLY tell you these things!

need a reason to wear a jersey and eat too much popcorn at baseball games? get 7 brothers. tell them it's for THEIR birthday and they won't even know it's your secret desire!

i have 7 brothers.
i wouldn't trade one of them for anything in the world.
Jesus knew i was going to be a handful, so he gave me 7 brothers to keep me in line!

{brother #1.} Gregg. 25 years old.He's the only one older than me! my first "big" brother. He likes having a beard... and so i call him "beard man". It's funny. When we were little we had secrets. i don't remember them, but i remember not telling them. Gregg always got to do things first. He was the oldest. Oldest to Youngest. The good thing was being #2. But still he got to go to "real" school before any of us! He road a bike with 2 wheels before any of us. He flew on a plane before any of us. He weighed more at birth than any of us. He's my "cool" brother. He has tattoos. I can't imagine him without them. **Secret about Gregg**
When Gregg was in 3rd grade he would put gel in his hair and spike it straight up!

{brother #2.} Jeremiah. 22 years old.He's my little big brother. One day i woke up and he was all of a sudden not shorter than me, and so therefore not my "little" 'miah anymore. He's my smart brother. When we were little we would play 'Oregon Trail' on the computer, and he would tell me the best strategy to not loose my cattle or kids to yellow fever. When we both wanted to be Archeologist in Egypt he would read the Encyclopedia about Egypt out loud to me. Although he was younger, i forgot it all the time because he was always looking out for me. When we took German 101, 102 & 103 together at the community college, he made sure i didn't fail the tests and quizzes. One time for Christmas he bought me a framed poem that made me cry.
**Secret about Jeremiah**
Jeremiah doesn't like to eat Chicken, learned to tolerate it, but doesn't enjoy it.

{brother #3.} Joshua. 19 years old.I am pretty sure we always had a secret bond because we are both September babies! I remember when he was born he didn't look like the rest of us, but we loved him anyway. He's my brother who knows everything about animals. When he was little we thought he would grow up to be a vet or a marine biologist. He could look at those silly birthday cards with wacky animals on them and tell you, not only the name of the animal but where it was from and what it ate. Josh is my first running brother(i used to run a lot). This made me SO happy! He is SO much fun to watch run, he runs like a cheetah... long strides, with so much grace... oh and he smiles when he runs, this is totally weird to me! Josh was also my first brother to get glasses just like me! Josh is really funny. I don't even think he tries...it just happens. I like it.
**Secret about Josh**
When Josh was little he was allergic to Peanut Butter and Cinnamon. He grew out of it.

{brother #4.} Ben. 16 years old.My Benny-boo-boo. I love him. I was in the room when Benners was born. It was magical. My mom made labor look like a piece of cake!!! When he came out i was in awe. Benjamin was quickly shortened to Ben, Benny, B-E-N-benen or my favorite Benny-boo-boo. He was a cute one... so much fun to watch grow up. Ben was not always quiet... and secretly he is a wild-child... but only when he is in his comfort zone. Ben and Josh are both so funny. Ben is the only other sibling who shares my passion for photography. He has helped me shoot 3 weddings! What a guy! He can capture landscapes i dream of, but never see. Don't tell him, but i am a little jealous of his laptop & ipod touch. Ben is a servant to all. I have NEVER met a 16 year old guy who is more acutely aware of others needs!!! Some girl is going to be SO BLESSED to have him... in 30 years, when i allow him to get married!
**Secret about Ben**
When Ben was little a dog ate from his falling off diaper.

{brother #5.} J. 13 years old.J. is my surprise brother. He's #5 in birth order, and #11 in coming home to the D family! J. grew up 5 countries from a place that holds my heart. West Africa. When i was in West Africa J. was running around catching flies and keeping cool under the tree in the Village. J. has my dream hair. It never needs to be dyed dark, it just is. J. may be small for his age, but goodness gracious that guy is so strong! Sometimes we arm wrestle. J. and i have secret nicknames for each other. His is "Home Chicken". Mine is "Home Turkey." Ask me the story sometime and you will tilt your head sideways and laugh! J. loves soccer, sometime i want to see him play on a team. J. also loves music. We like to rock out in my car with the windows down. J. has something i don't; rhythm.
**Secret about J.**
J. can do the coolest finger snapping thing when he shakes your hand.

{brother #6.} Josiah. 9 years old.Oh Joe! Blond brother #2! Josiah had stitches twice before he was 2... he was a going little boy. Josiah loves ART. i am pretty sure he would be happy if art was the only subject in school. When Josiah was 5 or 6 he heard God tell him he would be an artist someday. I don't think he has stopped painting, drawing, coloring or looking at Art books everyday since. Josiah has the greatest laugh ever! One time we were on a road trip and he started CRACKING UP in his car seat; when we asked him what was so funny he replied "i made a joke in my head!" Josiah is a great listener. Even when you think he isn't paying attention, he is. He also is a thinker. He processes information at a 16 year old level.
**Secret about Josiah**
Josiah just got glasses, and doesn't like them very much.

{brother #7.} Elijah. 7 years old.E monkey. Elijah is our miracle brother. He met Jesus twice. He lived to tell about it. He has scares that tell the story of his Miracle. Elijah loves to play Uno. He especially likes it when he wins. Sometimes if he makes a good play he scruntches up his little face and laughs in his throat. It's really great. E is a runner. This summer he ran the mile in under 8 minutes! i have NEVER done that! He also smiles when he runs. weird. Elijah leaves the best messages on my voice mail. i save everyone. He has the most power to make me melt into a pile of tears (because i miss him) or laugh until i cry because he is so silly.
**Secret about Elijah**
Elijah climbed up a palm tree at age 4.

dear Jesus, thank you for my brothers. My life is richer because of each one of them. Pour out your blessings on their lives. Protect them from the enemy. Send angles to them when they are lonely and scared because even guys get scared sometimes. Open doors i'd never have dreamed possible for their lives. Keep safe and prepare the special girls who will steal my place in their hearts. Show each of my brothers the glorious things you want them to do. Set your kingdom before them as a prize to reach for. Most of all Jesus, give my 7 brothers all the things they have given me; protection. love. grace. laughter. joy.

i take pictures...

2009-10-22T01:05:00.000-07:00

....lots and lots of pictures.....

Check out:

Kekasmai Images

i have been shooting at least 2 shoots a weekend for a while now, so there are a lot of new photos posted for your viewing enjoyment. For more information about my work and to book YOUR next photo shoot please email me: kekasmaiimages@gmail.com

also, check out:

Elliot Worship

for a little taste of wonderful worship music and to see one of my photos on a REALLY AMAZING Band's website!!!!!

thanks for all your LOVE and SUPPORT (and comments)!

memories.

2009-10-08T07:28:00.000-07:00

People are often amazed and slightly weird-ed out by my memory. I can remember the CRAZIEST things... sometimes meaningful, sometimes random. It's not just the event that i remember it's the details that make up the event that make people turn their head sideways and wonder how in the World i noticed, much less remember what "so-and-so" was wearing at the event or occasion.

I was thinking about how sad it would be to lose all these crazy/amazing/wonderful memories and not be able to tell the stories in full detail... *light bulb*.... write about them on my blog and then they are recorded somewhere! Brilliant idea! So this is me... starting the first of a random series of blog post called 'memories'. They may be meaningful or just a simple memory of a far off time... but please enjoy them and pass them around... especially if they make you laugh!

memories #1. circa 1993(ish)

One of the most brilliant and vivid childhood memories i have is playing "Jesus of Nazareth" in our backyard with my siblings. I have 3 memories of repeated events in that backyard; Football with Dad, 'Jesus of Nazareth' and swimming. Those 3 things seemed to happen all the time. In my mind it's like a movie. A brilliant picture. We grew up in the Puyallup WA area and there is an Amphitheater that every Summer puts on a show, much like the stage version of the JESUS film... except sometimes slightly more dramatic! My brothers Gregg, Jeremiah & i LOVED going to see this amazing event...Mom & Dad graciously took us a few years in a row! After the "God fights the devil" scene that got a little cooky and out of hand they told us we weren't coming again. I only remember being slightly sad about this news.... I'm not sure if we had already started our favorite afternoon activity and or if it just wasn't a big deal.

We loved to dress up. We had a HUGE dress up box/bin. Hats, dresses, scarves, gloves, pants, shoes and our favorite; Mom's old "Brownies" uniforms. We never really new what "Brownies" was, but the uniforms made the BEST "bible cloths" ever!

Carissa, Lindsey and Josh were little which meant that they could play "Jesus of Nazareth" with us, but we got to pick who they were... Mostly they got the parts of the demonized child, the "dead" girl that Jesus said was only sleeping, the angry crowd who shouted "crucify him"and the leapers who he healed on the road. Jeremiah was always 'Jesus'... because when we used dad's scrap wood to build our 'cross' we only had enough to make a "small-ish" cross and Jeremiah fit best on it. Gregg was always a combination of Disciples, Pilot, Roman Solider and John the Baptist. I was any girl character we could come up with... Mary the mother of Jesus, a girl follower of Jesus, Pilot's wife...and a Roman Solider because it took 2 of us to lift the cross up against the fence.

Our backyard was 'huge' to any 8 year old and we had all the right things to pull of the most brilliant production ever. One time we discussed making posters and selling tickets to our neighbors. We had an above-ground pool that was amazing for our Baptism scenes. We built our cross. We had a swing set with a double swing thing, that we used as our boat for the disciples to go fishing in. And we had our "Brownie" uniforms for our costumes!

On this particular day of production the 3 little kids were taking a nap. Gregg, Jeremiah and I were instructed to play outside nicely. Out we went. 'Jesus of Nazareth' seemed like the logical thing to do... but since we were missing half our cast we could only practice a few scenes. The crucifixion scene needed some work. Incidentally Jeremiah wasn't dying a very convincing death. We drug the cross out from the side of the house and lay it down on its back near the fence. Jeremiah assumed the position on the cross. He put his little 6 year old feet on the small platform we had nailed to the lower part of the cross and stretched out his arms to the cross beam so we could tie him down. I'm pretty sure we used strips of fabric and ribbon to tie him there, but i remember wishing we could use "real rope". Gregg got the hammer and pretended to nail in spikes to his hands and feet. Jeremiah winced and grimaced as if in deep pain. I pretended to need to hold Jeremiah on the cross. Once we had successfully tied him down, Gregg and i would each lift a side of the cross beam and drag Jeremiah on the cross over to the hole we had dug next to the fence, so that the cross would stay standing and lean a little bit against the fence. Jeremiah would then say his line "Father why have you forsaken me?" and then he would hang his head and "die"....

well on this particular day for whatever reason, Gregg and i decided to see how long he would stay "dead" and snuck inside the rec-room to watch from behind the closed sliding glass door. Jeremiah was a champ and for sure needs a Daytime Emmy for his performance, because he stayed "dead" on that cross for quite awhile. Time and age has had it's proper affect on my life and i don't really know how long we left him there, but i'm sure it was at least 15 minutes... and for a 6 year old strapped to a cross and propped up against a fence... it must have felt like a year! Meanwhile Gregg and i got distracted in the rec-room and the next thing we know is Mom's voice breaking the silence "Gregg? Cassie? where is Jeremiah?". I am pretty sure she must have heard us in the rec-room and looked out the window....we must have responded with muffled giggles because the next thing we hear from upstairs is "Go outside and get him down off that cross!!!" Out the sliding glass door we flew, just as Jeremiah popped his head up and opened his "dead" eyes to ask "how'd i do?". We got him down and he seemed un-harmed physically or damaged emotionally.

It had been a successful rehearsal.

P.B. & J.

2009-10-02T08:21:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting and planning on writing this post for just over 2 weeks now, however photo shoots, editing, long-lost friends and LIFE has once again limited the blog-posting.

I found a treasure! Right here in Central Oregon! It's amazing, inspiring and hidden. I can't stop telling people about it. It's called P.B.&J. Now i know you are thinking P.B. & J. normally is short for something we ate everyday of our childhood, but not so much anymore...

P= People.
B= Barn.
J= Jesus.

I know it might sound a little "cheesy" but seriously it's a treasure that i am SO glad i happened upon.

God has his way of making sure people click, read, click and read the right things. A little over a month ago i received an email inquiring about my photography business.. Jenay had found my blog via a comment i left on Katie's blog. Now mind you although i read every new post Katie writes i rarely leave a comment. That time i did.

A few weeks and emails later i was on my way out to Powell Butte to take some Senior Photos for Lashae and then also a few family photos. As i drove out there i couldn't help but laugh at the fact that i got the job because of a comment i left on the blog of a girl who lives in Uganda!!! Crazy! The Brewer Family were all rock stars! We had such a great time taking pics enjoying the incredible Sunday afternoon Weather!

After wards i went back to their house and they invited me to stay for P.B. & J.

The treasure had been found.

People from the Powell Butte area started showing up with food, drinks and the some of most welcoming hearts i have EVER met in my life!!! After we all ate dinner and chatted about this and that some of the dad's put together a game of kickball. Some of the mom's watched, some stayed inside and drank coffee, did the dishes and chatted about this and that. After a little while all the "kids" gathered up in the Barn for "Bible study" time. The basis of P.B.&J was explained to me like this;

"We want to mimic the early church in P.B.&J. So we ate some food, we fellowship-ed, and now we are going to study the life and teachings of Jesus."

I sat in that barn, and for the next hour was in awe of this little group of about 20 young people who want to change the World for Christ! They got in the Word, talked about it, thought about it, discussed it and prayed for each others needs! I was totally blown away.

Powell Butte is normally referred to as a Community not a Town. There is a Post Office. A country store. A Church. A Cemetery. and a whole bunch of ranches and farms! It's lovely really. When people in Central Oregon hear about/talk about Powell Butte they most likely have never heard of P.B.&J. and they most likely do not talk about the young people who are believing for HUGE World change starting in their community.

20 people focused on Jesus. Loving their community. Praying with/for each other. In a place where if you blink you miss it? Yes Please. This is a treasure for sure.

i am more blessed than a leprechaun at the end of a rainbow to have found it.

good question.

2009-09-30T08:23:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes i would like to ask God why he allows so much
poverty, famine and injustice in the World
when he could do something about it...
but i am afraid he might ask me the same question."
-Anonymous

Until All have Heard

re-post wednesday

recently it seems like my words do not fall together in the rhythm they once knew. not only in my like of writing but even in my speech. it might be all in my head, but it's the truth. the desire to write is there, the words just seem to be falling flat.

un-worthy. truly thankful.

it's a new word.

minnesota when.

love. life.

thank you?

one more?

i take pictures...

your new favorite band.

M is for Minnesota.

moving.

testing. 1,2,3.

yum.

not ashamed.

finding a voice and some tears.

so much to say.

draw me nearer.

first comes love.

looking back {1 day}

my whole house is great {2 days}

licking the bowl {3 days}

i take pictures {5 days}

getting ready. {7 days}

empower. {8 days}

em·pow·er –verb

new roommates. {9 days}

bread of life {10 days}

Jeremiah 6:16

"This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around.

Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it.

Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls."

i take pictures {11 days}

new hair. {13 days}

his plans are brilliant. {14 days}

meeting some heroes. {15 days}

january 24. {16 days)

little me. {17 days}

my rockstar. {18 days}

happy anniversary {19 days}

bread of life {20 days}

traveling. {21 days}

bats in the house. {22 days}

the day i got saved. {23 days}

24 days.

25 days.

your new favorite band.

fill in for my rockstar.

it's all about love.

so. much. fun.

anything is possible.

a fairy tale.

if you want me to.

bread of life.

{take two} Tuesday.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

check it out!

Heaven Song

i heart my job.

take two. {re-post}

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

i fight.

un-worthy. truly thankful.

Faith.

Minnesota Sneak Peek...

uffda.

take two. {re-post wednesday}

Monday, March 24, 2008

the justice of my cause...it's a long one!

bread of life.

Lamentations 3:22-24

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.""

i take pictures...

take two. {re-post wednesday}

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Nap Time Tears

24hrs 53min.