Tuesday, October 12, 2010

finding a voice and some tears.

i'm finding my writing voice again. i mentioned in my last post that i was struggling to find the words to express all that is going on in my life at present. Today i woke up and realized there are words in my mouth, mind and heart that are ready to find their voice in the blogging world again. this of course made me really happy, but slightly overwhelmed. where on earth do i even start? so much to say, so many words.

tears, they speak things that words cannot express, let's start there.

when i was a little person i cried due to the physical need to eat, be held or because of pain.

when i was 12 years old i cried a lot. thank you puberty and an incredible influx of hormones.

since then i have cried many a tear. thank you boys, cramps, boys, hormones, emotions and boys.

on July 1st i stepped into the Summer season with more gusto than i ever have had. there was a purpose for this season and i was determined not to miss it. for the next 90 days i did a lot of things; i prayed more, read more, sang more, danced more and worked more.

i also cried more. i'm not sure if i found the tears or they found me but they showed up.

my heart went through a transformation in the last 3 months. i like to say it was tenderized. yes, tenderized like meat. i have always been someone who feels everything deeply. i also am someone who wears my heart on my sleeve, yet when it comes to crying it took a LOT of BIG emotions all packed together to induce the tears to flow.

this has been very different.

someone tells me about the deep things God is doing in their heart? tears.
someone tells me about the joy of a boyfriend doing something incredibly mature and wonderful? tears.
the lights go out during the altar call for 8,000 people? tears.
meeting people whose hearts burst with life and incredible purpose? tears.
praying for 180 girls late at night? tears.
listening to pod-casted messages i've heard a million times? tears.
knowing a little life is growing inside my best friend? tears.
alone reading a book in the sun, when suddenly the Love of God is so real and invades my tanning self? tears.
little person randomly asking for "one more hug?". tears.

my heart has been broken and put back together in a fresh and tender way and i am inclined to embrace it. Please do not be surprised if the next time we share a conversation my face crinkles up and my brow furrows. Do not be alarmed if there is a streak in my makeup or mascara seems misplaced, it's just the tears of a heart learning to feel deeper than the emotions of a heart break or the influx of hormones. i would like to say i now possess the incredible "talent" to cry pretty tears like Jenna Kay or Beth Fischer, but i'm still learning. bare with me while i find my voice and the tears find me.

2 comments:

Jesse and Taylor said...

tears are the voice of the heart...

one of my most favorite quotes...

love you!

Jenna said...

My Mom says I'm a weeper, welcome to the club. I love you and your tears. SO much. Miss you.