Wednesday, September 30, 2009

good question.

"Sometimes i would like to ask God why he allows so much
poverty, famine and injustice in the World
when he could do something about it...
but i am afraid he might ask me the same question."

Sunday, September 27, 2009



shoulders brush against people walking by.
the park is packed.
i wonder what they see from where they cannot hear my heart.

blank stares.

"thank you."
window seat.
pondering the long ride ahead.
full flight of people going places.

rush of excitement as the plane starts for take-off.
soon the cars look like mini-match box cars.
people smaller than Lego men.

listening to the emergency exit routine with one ear.
the swimming pools look like bright turquoise spots of paint.
the houses seem closer together from up here.


the houses turn to fields.
a patchwork quilt of greens and yellows stretch out below.
mountains invade the quilt with the night.
dark blue peaks with speckles of snow.

sleep sounds nice, but excitement for what's ahead take over the thoughts.
clouds appear as silk flowing by.
it seems as though i could reach out and touch the stars.


chaos seems far from here.
i know the collision of reality and this view is only so far away.
the stares and snickers can only be silenced for so long.
the rumors and assumptions can only be silenced in my head.

chin lifting.
Spirit rising.
going higher.

my thought can only be consumed by choice.
sugar. candy. cake. love
love. hearts. invitations. fun.
fun. color. laughing. tickling.
tickling. papa. screaming. laughing.
laughing. child. color. money. sugar.

you hold me now.
peace floods in.
no darkness.
just light.


no matter 'their' thoughts.
no matter 'their' looks.
no matter 'their' assumptions.

my decision to 'fly' is not based on that.
lizards who scamper away at my silly stories are not phased by 'their' impression of the situation.
only i can choose to let the smile fade and hope sink.

turbulence disturbs the moment.
but only for a moment.

peace settles in.
city lights twinkle.
seat belts on.
the ride is nearly over.
the journey has just begun.

hope. is. rising.
with every thought my spirits sore.
with every smile my heart dances.
with every sip of clean water my nervousness fades.

chaos is still around.
chin lifting.
spirit rising.
going higher.

because i know.
He is enough.

Friday, September 25, 2009


Jesus is enough for me.

that's all really.

no sleep? Jesus is enough.

full range of emotions? Jesus is enough.

schedule changes that mess me up? Jesus is enough.

blessings that overwhelm my "normal" life? Jesus is enough.

my dad's job change that makes me miss being around my family? Jesus is enough.

family crisis that sent our summer spinning? Jesus is enough.

900 un-answered questions? Jesus is enough

messy people = messy lives = real relationships? Jesus is enough.

thanks Jesus for being enough for me.

more than enough.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

little piece of wonderful.

Tucked away in one of my favorite books is this little phrase...

"Don't be afraid," he said, "for you are deeply loved by God.
Be at peace; take heart, and be strong."
Daniel 10:19

...and goodness did it encourage me when i read it.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


April 24th, 965BC 3:26pm; David built an altar there to the Lord and sacrificed burnt offerings and peace offerings. And the Lord answered his prayer for the land, and the plague on Israel was stopped.(2 Sam. 24:25)And then King David sat down for a late lunch. It was a good day for the King of Judah. He had taken a walk in the sunrise and laughed with his son Solomon as he told him about the old times in Bethlehem. After lunch he plans to play the harp for a while before a feast with his daughters later in the evening.

December 25, 1995; Jennifer Aniston was listed
"People Weekly"s "Most Intriguing People".... After which she celebrated with the cast of 'Friends' and drank a glass of champagne at midnight. It had been a wonderful Christmas surprise and something she would remember forever.

February 27. 2007;
Britney Spears has entered rehab, the singer's manager Larry Rudolph, confirms to PEOPLE. Upon entering rehab Britney sat by herself and wondered how her life had turned into such a mess. She determined in her heart to make it right, at least for the sake of her kids. She made up her mind that she would rise again and be the "Princess of Pop" music once again.... although she wasn't certain she could ever overcome all the black spots on her now tainted reputation.

September 16, 2009 3:26pm; Cassie Diacogiannis sat down to write a blog about assumptions.

**Please note that the above statements in ITALICS are my own thoughts and assumptions on each story. Statements in BOLD are facts.**

It's really easy to look at King David and say, "yeah, He's the man after God's own heart." or "He messed up big time, but must have done something right because look at what God did through him." However without seeing the day to day of his life we can't really know what it was that made him that man, we get glimpses of the hard times, difficulties and pain of his life. We get only glimpses of the Joy, Fun and good times i'm sure he had.

Jennifer Aniston has graced the cover of PEOPLE magazine and US weekly more times than most celebrities. She is one of the wealthiest people alive and one of the highest paid actresses EVER! US weekly and PEOPLE cannot possibly be there every moment of Jen's life. Yet many times i have based my view of her based solely on what i saw on the cover of the Tabloids at Safeway's check stand. "poor Jen. Brad's a jerk. " or "look at Jen's great new hair." or "really? Jen's dating John Meyer.... again?" or even, "man, life as Jennifer Aniston must be pretty great." No matter how hard TMZ tries to be in her backyard or trunk of her car, they don't have Jens' life nailed down or penned out perfectly. No matter how many time VOGE interview's her and i read it, i will never know her life. I will never understand what makes Jen "Jen".

Britney Spears. "Oops she did it again" became so much more than a lyric from her song. It became the tagline after her name when her life started spiraling out of control in front of our eyes on E!'s THS special. But now. 2009, look at her, she has a tour, a rocking body, a new hit, and 2 precious boys that love her. She has arrived. The attitude seems to be "who cares what happened in the last 2 years she figured it out and NOW, now she's ok." I'd like to pose the thought that deep down inside Britney is still a 16 year old girl wondering how her life got to out of control.

Me! I 'just' live, eat and breath in Bend Oregon. Every once in a while i will write a blog that makes sense, sometime i let my emotions get the best of me and that spills out too. I roll out of bed everyday at the same time (6:29am) i head off to the same "normal" job, and come home to the same editing program. Wednesday nights are spent at 180. My life is pretty "normal". If you look at my life through the lens of this blog, you would most likely see a girl with a camera, who sometimes writes deep things, and she seems to wear herself on her sleeve. She doesn't seem to be afraid to tell us if she laughed or cried or what she didn't eat for breakfast. If you look at my day to day life it might not seem all that exciting.

I don't wake up to a fancy steam room and hair dresser to get me ready for the day. I don't drive the coolest car. I don't live on the top of a hill with a view. I also don't feed 300 starving kids a week in one of the poorest parts of the World. I don't wear Chacos and hope to avoid a snake bite. I don't catch a Rickshaw to go to the market. I don't preach to thousands of souls caught in bondage.

Just because i serve in 180 does not denote more blessing on my life. Just because i've never been drunk or driven drunk does not guarantee me God's protection in my car. I believe un-saved people are saved by the hand of God without being "in a place" to receive that blessing. I believe un-saved people have experienced the presence of Jesus while "walking in sin".

My life is blessed not because i am a Pastor's kid or because i live a "normal" life. My life is not blessed because i have found a way to position myself for an out pouring of riches. My life is blessed because i choose to surrender what i have to the will of God. I choose to walk in obedience to his Word, and strive to please him. I can't quantify God's blessing; i can't create an equation that states how to come into that blessing. I can't position my self on the right church bench to receive that blessing. I can walk in obedience to the Holy Spirit. I can trust who God says he is and believe that in trusting and walking in faith i will experience his blessing.

I don't look at my life and wish things were different. Recently i wrote a post about things i want. It seems that only 2 things stood out to people who read it; the fact that i am not married. and the fact that i am not on the mission field. This was a sad realization that my life is seen as missing something. YES, these are 2 great desires of my heart, but please do not think that one desire hinges on the other!! Please do not think that my life is not FULL, wonderful, AMAZING, BLESSED, fantastic because i am 24 and those things are not in place.

I will GO when God releases me to GO.

I will get married when the timing is unlocked and the timing of God collides with the time line we live in.

In the meantime, i will continue to post pictures, stories, verses and silliness for you to enjoy or ponder. I will continue to wake up too early and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the job i have. I will continue to see this generation RISE UP in 180 and central Oregon. I will continue to fight my battle with worry and anxiousness about my life. I will continue to EXPERIENCE Jesus ALIVE in my life. I will continue to walk BLESSED and COVERED in God's love.

I refuse to think "lucy" doesn't like me because she hasn't txted me this week. Perhaps she is on a mountain or dropped her phone in coffee. I don't base my assumption of Taylor's love for Jesse on how she made dinner for him the other day. I trust that she knows him and therefore loves him... even though i don't see the ins and outs of that love. It's wrong of me to assume someone's life is marked by what is on their blog alone. I can't judge someone's character based on their Facebook status. I refuse to assume that King David, Jen & Britney's life can be summed up in the words we read about them. I choose to believe in the day to day, moments unseen by camera or scribe there is/was the life of someone who has a real heart, real needs and real thoughts.

The best way to judge someone's life is to live with them, listen to their life story (in full) or ask those who know or see those to things. Let's not base assumptions of people's life based on snip -ts we get here and there. Let's not look at a life marked by "hardship" as less of a blessing or less blessed than a life "marked" by joy. Every life has trails and joys, it's how you let them define you in that season that will shape you for the rest of your life.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

what do you want?

What do you want?

I don't like that question. It's a lot easier to answer "what do you need?" than "what do you want?" I used to want a horse. I used to want a Jetta. I used to want I "normal" life. I used to want to be an actress. I sometimes to want a tattoo. I sometimes want to sleep longer. I sometimes want short hair.

Luke 18:40-42
"When Jesus heard him, he stopped and ordered that the man be brought to him.
As the man came near,
Jesus asked him, What do you want me to do for you?”
“Lord,” he said, “I want to see!”
And Jesus said, “All right, receive your sight!
Your faith has healed you.”"

I would like to suggest that the man had been blind for a while, and got along alright for a blind guy. He didn't "need" to see. He wanted to see.

What do you want?

A good friend challenged me the other day to write out a list of the 10 things i want out of life. After making the list the friend told me to prioritize the list, order it by importance and write out a "goal" of when i wanted to accomplish the things that were able to put on a tangible time line.

Tomorrow is my birthday.

This is what i want (in no particular order):

- I want to stop worrying about my life. I don't want to worry about what i should wear, who i should txt first, when my bank account will be full enough to empty on my dream camera. I don't want to worry about what i will eat or who i will talk to. I am done with worry.

- I want to be faithful with what i am given. I don't want to waste my time, treasures or talent. I don't want to spend wastefully. I want to be faithful, always faithful. no matter what, faithful.

- I want to preach the Word. I want to preach God's heart for his kids. I want to preach the gospel to the lost. I want to preach to 1 or 1, 000. I want my words to be a sound of hope. I want my words to be His Word. I want to preach.

- I want to hold on to the hope He has given me and called me to. I want to see my life from his perspective and base my hope on that. I don't want to be discouraged by my situations i want to HOLD ON TO HOPE in JESUS.

- I want to go to "my" 18 countries. Yes, there are 18 countries i hope to visit before i die. included, but not limited to: India, China, Thailand, Iraq, Uganda, Botswana, Argentina...

- I want to get married. Yup, i just put that out there. I'm the girl who's favorite thing to do when she was little was to play "house" and be the mom/wife. I'm the girl who started thinking about her wedding when she was 11. I'm the girl who believed in Prince Charming. And i'm still that girl. I still want to be swept off my feet by a God-fearing, Horse riding, Music playing, Bad-guy fighting, girl saving, Honest, Passionate Prince charming.

- I want to adopt an orphan... or 3. I want to love the forgotten. I want to pray for a destiny that seems bleak. I want to rescue the homeless and helpless children in the World.

- I want to live overseas. I want to be a missionary. I want to eat goat brains, fish eyeballs and frog's feet. I want to smell the smells. I want to see the sights. I want to live in Chacos and messy hair. I want to see lives changed. I want to embrace different cultures. I want to come back with stories that will blow your mind.

- I want to have to be a mom. I want to get the belly, feel the pain and cry the tears. Remember; i played house and and 50 baby dolls with names and voices. Sometimes people think because i am the oldest girl in a big family perhaps i am "over" it. Not so much people. I want to be a mom.

- I want to see this generation rise up. I want to see the students in 180 leading my kids. I want to see them change their schools. I want to see them love the un-lovable. I want to see them worship face down. I want to hear them pray. I want to see the JoY of their answered prayer. I want to see them KNOW GOD and take Him at His word. I want them to carry the banner of Christ well. I want them to be passionate, on fire people of purpose.

I want honesty. I want to be authentic. I want to live real life with people. I want to stop faking it. I want more to a conversation than inside jokes and sarcasm. I want good times. I want music that doesn't hurt my head. I want red boots. I want black flats. I want a new camera. I want to pay off my car. I want to dance the salsa. I want to go to a Superbowl game. I want to eat tacos in Mexico. I want to drive with the windows down while it rains inside. I want to have a gym membership. I want to get in a tickle fight with my dad. I want to race my little siblings across the yard. I want to cry at the sad parts and laugh at the silly ones. I want to take jumping pictures in front of the Eiffel Tower. I want to capture the Joy of Love, the Pain of War and the big-ness of the World through a lens.

I want faith that rises above the surface of my situation and see's past the un-answered questions.

I want faith that heals a blind man.

This is what i want.