It's seems that in the past week i have cried more than i have in the past 3 months combined! When i stop and think about the tears, they fall into a few reasons/ catigories... so here they are nicely lined out:
Happy Tears. I love happy tears, mostly because; they're happy! But also the most common reason i cry happy tears is because God has in that moment whispered in my ear, spun me around, squeezed my hand or just looked at me and smiled. Last weekend was 180 Winter Camp at Wildhorse Canyon. Friday and Saturday night i had at least one of those moments each night.
Sad Tears. Not so fun. they make my contacts move around... they are hard to see through, and mostly the situations that cause them are hard to understand;
-My dad has been in Ghana for 5 weeks battling for a piece of paper! My mom came home to releave us here... but the weight of the situation with her husband and kids a million miles away still ways heavy on us. Then we think they are coming, and then they are not... but others are.
-I work hard and try to be wise, yet money/finaces are hard to handle.
-I drive carefully and take car of my car, yet the Check Engine light still comes on and nearly makes me want to scream!
-I see students love God, feel Him close, hear His voice; and they still get tricked by the enemy. They still trade the Joy of the Lord for the cheap thrills of this world.
-I go the extra mile, and still fall short.
-I wait (sometimes patiently) and still see nothing.
-I go to buy milk, and lock my keys in my car.
Last night it was the keys locked in my car that put me over the edge. I lost it. right there in the Westside Safeway. Tears. Sad Tears. This past month has been so overwhelming. And the silly keys locked in the car were the last straw. Praise the Lord for an amazing friend(and roommate) who found my extra key in my desk and came to my rescue... and sat and prayed with my while i cried.
As i drove back to the house i am sitting(along with 4 kids and a dog). I cried. I turned the music loud and sobbed and cried out to God. I prayed so hard that my parents and new siblings would all come home together; and they didn't. I save and save and save; and still the bills are hard to pay. I pray over my car and thank God for it; and it still costs money. I cry out for students to turn back to God and they only cross their arms and frown. I go the extra mile and i still fall short. I wait and pray, and reach out for wisdom, i run after righteousness and still i feel forgotten. I go to buy milk and i lock my keys in my car.
I cry. i let the tears hit the floor. I sniffle and sob. And then i realize...
I AM. HE IS.
He hears my crys.
He catches my tears.
He whispers my name.
He heals their hearts.
He knows my thoughts.
He waited for me.
He loves my heart.
He pours out.
He squeezes my hand.
He unlocked my life.
He IS. i am not.
He is the great I AM.
After tears uncontrolable. He whispers to me;
"Get my perspective. See what i see. Look beyond your small circle and see My heart. I know what's ahead. I know your desires, i see your needs. I AM and I will."
and so i look. I look ahead. I press on. I fall back on my knees i pray one more prayer. and i strain to get God's perspective. His persepective makes weeks feel like days and months feel like weeks. His perspective, makes the reward of waiting sweeter than a popsicle on a hot summer day. His perspective unlockes my life once again.
Tears. This time of happy-aweness. I'm in awe. I stand amazed. and the tears fall.