being raw

BEWARE the following post is me, being raw.

Recently i have been having a really hard time putting the thoughts in my head into words that make sense. I feel like when i am trying to express my self all i am saying is "blah blah blah". This is such a frustrating place to be for many reasons. for example, i can't express my extreme gratitude to my amazing friend Heidi for letting me invade her space for the last 3 weeks, I can't tell Jenna how much i appreciate her love for me and my wining about not having a place and not being settled, i can't express to my lovely family how much i love them, or my dear High Schoolers how much i believe in them! And so here i am, i had a great moment with Jesus this morning and would like to try and express it. Please be gracious with me.

Many have said this is the year of breakthrough and every time i hear it i want to believe it, but can't. I couldn't see what i needed breakthrough in so i couldn't see breakthrough. In the midst of being a wondering house-hunter and random job schedule, i couldn't find my feet. I couldn't find my roots. I felt totally uprooted and drifting. Not in a "oh my i've lost my faith" sort of way, in a where am I? Where is my passion and drive hiding? So many questions have been going through my head. Why? When? How? Who?
In the last month I feel like i've grown. I feel like my faith has been challenged. I have felt the attacks and i have stood... sometimes i just fell to my knees, but really my heart has been lost in the wonder of where God is in the mess of my life. I know he is here. i could feel his touch and saw his hand provide. I knew he was near, but the longing to sit and talk with him was so strong. I couldn't hear his voice clearly. I needed answers and all i could hear was, "believe me. trust me. wait on me."
this afternoon however i received some breakthrough. It came in the strangest way. I was laying in the sun at Drake Park, just loving my day and reading The Bait of Satan by John Bevere. It's a great book about unforgiveness. I have always felt like i had a handle on forgiveness. I try to be a forgiving person and not hold offence from people. In the chapter i was reading today it was talking about the life of Joseph(my favorite) and this little paragraph woke me up;
"Perhaps when Joseph had his dream he saw them as a confirmation of the favor on his life. He has not yet learned that authority is given to serve, not to set you apart. Often in these training periods we focus on the impossibility of our circumstances instead of the greatness of God. As a result we are discouraged and need to blame someone, so we look for the one we feel is responsible for our despair. When we face the fact that God could have-and didn't- we often blame him."

When i first read this i was thinking that's nice, but there is no one to blame in my situation except me. I don't blame God. Right as the thought came into my head the Holy Spirit said read it again. So i did. And again. I did. My heart melted. The tears came. I KNOW that God spoke to me a few years ago about who i would be and where i would go. I Believed the promise. I stepped out in faith. I walked through the fire, and YET what was spoken and promised was not happening, in fact the vision of who i was and where i was going had become blurry like a painting that had been sitting in the sun and faded. My idea of how the promise would happen and how the vision would be fulfilled had not even come close to happening so in my heart i blamed Him. The One who had been the most faithful. The one who had loved the promise more than me. The one who painted the picture. Instead of taking care of the vision and framing it inside His timing and ways i put it out there for others to laugh at and mock. I shared my dream carelessly. I let it sit unprotected in the sun and let the color fade and i blamed Him.

"Absolutely no man, woman, child, or devil can ever get you out of the will of God! No one but God holds your destiny."
-Bait of Satan
I lost sight of this. I let my circumstances dictate how i believed God was. I never lost my faith in who He is, but i blamed him for giving me a dream and then not fulfilling it, when the whole time he has been keeping it, waiting for me to believe him for His timing and purpose in it. I was trying to put his ways in my box.
You are probably wondering why i am sharing this with you and where the breakthrough is. I share this so we can examine our hearts. We may be great at forgiving people and not holding offence against them, but watch out the little lies will try and trip you up in your thoughts about the One who loves you the most. I never thought i blamed God, but i did. In situations that don't make sense i think we just blame him without realizing it. We need someone to be responsible for what's going on and since i don't have control and neither do the people in my life, i blame him for not working inside my box.
The breakthrough is this; Romans 8:1-2 "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."
Praise the Lord! i can approach the throne of grace and receive forgiveness, and walk in wholeness as a chosen set free daughter of the king. I can pick up the vision he gave me and ask him to help me re-paint the faded parts. I can frame it in his timing and purpose. I can believe again for big things. I can live by grace and love that he pours out on me.