Tuesday, August 04, 2009

thank you.

it's been a long hard road
it's been a long time coming
skilled through your building, through the molding, through the stretching and the pulling

and all i want is you
all i want is you
all i want is you
all i want is you Lord

spend so much time chasing your grace it's so useless
your grace is on me

wanna be used by
wanna be used
wanna be used
wanna be used by you

all i want is you
all i want is you

so thank you thank you thank you
Lord we praise you
You are good

thank you thank you thank you
you are good

nothing is impossible with God
singing nothing is impossible with God

this song was written by a good friend of mine. it has been on repeat in my head for a little over a week now. i don't have a lot to say about it; it is my heart's cry right now. every line is weaved in and out of my life in someway.

the last few months, you may have noticed more pictures than words on this silly blog... i've had SO many thoughts going on in my head i didn't know where to start often. Pictures are my other way of speaking, yet i know they do not always convey the emotion that i am feeling. They have become a cop-out for me. Too much to write about. Too many worries about what you (the reader) would think if i were honest. Too many fears about the comments that might come if i told you about bursting into tears in public places. I've been trying so hard to be brave.

it wasn't until a recent conversation with my dad, that i realized i'm allowed to be "emotional". I am actually allowed to feel the feelings i am feeling. I don't have to Spiritualize everything. I do have to trust God, but trusting doesn't mean don't feel. Right now it means feel everything in a very real (not over the top) way and trust in the midst of the feelings. Trust in the middle of the challenge. Trust when i don't see any answers. Trust when hope is cut out and disappointment surfaces. Believe God is who he says He is. Comforter. How can i know God as Comforter, if i squash my feelings and "don't need" to be comforted? How can i know the Prince of Peace if i don't admit to myself and the world that my life feels like chaos sometimes? How can i see him as BIG and OUTSIDE the box, if i keep trying to keep Him in the box with my squashed emotions and feelings?

this is my challenge to myself; desire to know God more than i want to know the answers to my questions. Trust God in the middle of the emotions. write more. fear less.

this is my challenge to you; read with grace. there is more to the stories you read on the pages of this blog than you could know or imagine.


Vicky said...

Oh, my sweet Cassie! How abundantly blessed I am to have you for a "sister"!

You'll notice my blog went from Bible/ book quotes (without much explanation) to dead silence a while back. I, too, have had soooo much in my head, and yet no idea how to get the words out. Your alternate form of communication is pictures, mine is books.

I can't wait to see you in a couple days and talk. We're both feeling like a jumbled mess of emotions, so I'll be sure to pack my travel-pack of kleenex. :)

"Desire to know God more than I want to know the answers to my questions." I should make that sentence my challenge too...

See you SOON!!!

Elyxis said...

I so know what you mean here.... thats totally where I am too. Its easy to sometimes think that to show emotions in unspiritual or sometimes even a sin. Gods been showing me the same thing, that HE wants to be my everything, but when I try to hold it all in, he cant. So good :)