Wednesday, November 04, 2009

the pressure of growth.

i feel like i need a t-shirt that says: Warning! Contents under pressure. Much Grace needed.

i'm in a microwave of spiritual growth right now, and it's way intense.

the pressure of loving deeply.
to love at all is to risk. to love beyond what you thought possible is to forgive. to love beyond forgiveness is to lose control. In the last 5 months i have learned to love deeply. Someone i love hurt others and hurt me in the process. i learned to forgive them through a process of choosing love not hate. beyond that i learned to love them so deeply that i realized last week i was willing to do anything to control that love. i loved to the point of tears. i loved to the point of breaking. i loved deeply. when it came to let the risk of that love go i realized how deep it was. i won't stop loving this person, but i won't be able to control how that love is shown, accepted or received. all i can do is continue to love. in the pressure of learning to love deeply my heart was wrung and possibly broken. however, somehow in that broken, hurt place i realized that i can't stop loving the "un-lovable". i can't control how that love is taken. i can't lock my heart up because of hurt. i can love again. i can love more deeply. i can love beyond what i thought was possible or reasonable.

the pressure of trusting deeply.
i could put a "..." from my loving deeply to trusting deeply, because they go hand in hand. to love deeply is to trust deeply. to trust deeply is to believe that beyond your control of the situation is a God who is 100% faithful. He always comes through. ALWAYS. in the last week i have had to figure out how to take that from my head and heart and into my hands, feet & speech. i have to trust with my life. i have to trust that letting go of what i thought i could control is the best thing i can do. i have to trust that in letting go, flight will come, healing will come and LIFE will come. Not because it "just happens" but because the faithfulness of God is undeniable. do i really trust who God says he is?

the pressure of deep faith.
i am tired of the word faith. i'm over it. i'm over the Christian lingo. i'm over people telling me to "stir up my faith". Not because i don't have faith, but because we have lost sight of what faith really is. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (Heb. 11:1) Certain of what we DO NOT SEE. i can't see where the money will come from. i can't see how the healing will come. i can't see the buyer for a house. i can't see the promise. Certain of these things? Not because i have some secret knowledge of how they will happen or that they are a guarantee, but because i have FAITH in a God who hasn't failed me yet. we (the church) are really good at talking about faith, however i see us worrying and complaining a lot more than we are actually living the faith we claim to have.

so please excuse me if i've been emotional. please forgive me if i have offended you. please don't think i don't like you if i didn't smile or say hello. i'm in a microwave. i'm being stretched like a balloon already full of air, with someone still blowing. the pressure is intense. i don't have all the answers. i don't even understand this growth, i just can feel it happening.

yesterday i cried "Jenna tears" or "pretty tears". the kind that come from somewhere else and gently slide down your cheeks and onto the table. the kind where, somehow you know your face is not looking all crooked and weird, but soft and beautiful. it was in that moment that the pain of what i had been feeling collided with the light and i saw the growth that had been happening. it was rich and beautiful. i didn't even care who saw the tears. somehow i knew it was going to be ok.

so please excuse me if i've been bold and crazy. please forgive me if i screened my calls. please don't take my silence as pride. i'm in a greenhouse and it's sticky in here.

i'm sorry if this post is vague and cryptic. i can't explain the details behind the deep love. i can't explain the pain behind the deep trust. but if you see me and my eyes are bluer. if my passion seems quiet. if my hair is wild and un-tamed. it has nothing to do with bad things. it's the pressure of growth coming to the surface. my one request is that you please give grace to this growth.


Jesse and Taylor said...

Cassie, I will say it over and over again...I love you. You inspire me. Stretch me. Encourage me. Your love, passion, faith...the amaze me. I am so blessed to have you as my friend. To walk this journey of life with. To stand with. Cry with. Prayer text with. Your beautiful, inside and out.

ajnrileysmommy said...

beautifully written.

Tracy said...

just so you know, the word you gave to me, a stranger, on one of the prophetic night in MTC last spring, was RIGHT ON!. I knew it then and I'm living it now! I know the pressure cooker you are in, I've been there and I'm going back! It's the best:)Behind Beautiful Tears

Lindsey said...

Sis, you are beautiful. and this is beautifully written. I too cried similar tears this in the last couple days - tears that you knew were somehow beautiful. I love you. I'm praying that in this pressure cooker, God will open the steam vent, and begin to allow you to breath a little more easily. But even if He doesn't I know you will be more wonderfully shaped through this.
I love you. And I'm here for you.

Laurel said...

well said ...

i like your analogy of the microwave ... and lindsey's analogy of the pressure cooker ...

keep growing ... keep loving ... keep trusting ... and keep walking in FAITH ...

God has a plan for each of these situations, and each member of our family.

wish you lived close enough to cry on my shoulder ... you know i am here for you ...


Bianca said...

Wow, isn't it great to connect via the world wide web? I love your blog and what you're doing!

I saw Jazzy's link too. Homeschoolers ROCK!

Keep doin' what you're doin'!


Vicky said...

Love you, Cassie! Praying for you!

I look forward to getting to spend a few days with you at CRC... my last visit with you was too short!

Carissa said...

Precious Sissy...
i LOVE what you wrote. and i feel the same way about the faith thing. so many people "live by faith" but really don't believe that big things CAN happen in their lives. it's time we (the church) starts believing what we pray, praying out of faith for the impossible. when we do the possible:pray and believe, God does the impossible:completes promises and brings miracles!
love you so much! keep being sensitive and loving, trusting, and walking by real faith!

Jenna said...

This work that Jesus is doing in you is stunning. Continue yielding and know how proud of you I am dear friend. "Jenna Tears"-You make me laugh. Thanks for saying they are pretty. :)

Bo said... familiar with this kind of growth. It's like when you microwave a marshmallow and you watch it through the window and the kids all laugh and say, "It's gonna blow!" So familiar.

But you won't'll just strengthen your core and deepen your own capacity for grace. It's big stuff, this pressure-packed growth.

With prayer and much love - Bo