Friday, December 04, 2009

the art of surrender. part2.

Surrender (sur⋅ren⋅der) –verb: to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield.

i like to think of myself as an artist of sorts. i can paint pictures in my head much better than i can on a canvas. i can capture moments in time with the push of a button and the right lighting. i can attempt to convey an image with words.

i also like to think of myself as a closet perfectionist. i love it when things are symmetrical and balanced. i like the dumbers 6, 10, 22 and 150 because they divide in half perfectly. i like my socks to match, and not only each other, but what i am wearing. i like my bed to be made everyday. i like my books in order and my nails painted, not chipped. and although i like all those things that way, i am not anal about them being that way. My bed is not currently made, i have more books in boxes than on my shelf in order. just re-painted my nails, and they are already chipping.

surrender. it's a tough word. it's not a word that makes me want to jump up and down and do the happy dance. it's not easy or fun. Every time i think i have surrendered something God, i find out i can surrender it more. Many times i go to the alter. i fall on my face. i give up my life to the will of God, and yet 24 minutes later i am trying to pick it all back up and figure it out. this is why i say surrender is an art.

i have been learning to yield my desires to the perfect will of God. To give up what i think is best in exchange for the un-known is a scary place to be. To be headed one direction and all of a sudden find the road ended with no warning or sign of continuing is terrifying. Relinquishing my control to the Power of someone i can't see is hard to do. this is why i say surrender is an art.

not very many artist wake up at age 2 and can paint 'a starry night' (van gogh). It takes time and practice. it takes messy up a few (hundred) canvases to get it right. it takes throwing the brush down and walking away. it takes the understanding that it may take years before you get it right. not every artist will be known like van gogh. Not every painting will be sold for the value the painter put into it. learning all these things builds the artist up. makes them a stronger artist and person.

surrender makes me stronger. it builds me up. it may take me a few hundred times to get it right. it may take me throwing my hands up and walking away. it may take years to understand the
reasons behind the surrender. it's not easy or fun... yet somehow in surrender there is Joy. real. lasting. Joy. that doesn't come from a free coffee, nice smile or splendid weather. It's unshakable by our circumstances, it lasts beyond this moment, it lifts you up and holds your head high when situations want to get the best of you. this is why i say surrender is an art.

i think this joy comes from the deep set knowledge that The One i am surrendered to holds the keys to life and death. I am surrendering my desires for His un-imaginable plan. I am surrendering my hope for a Hope that never ends. I am surrendering my future to Someone who holds eternity in the palm of his hand. this is why i say surrender is an art.

2 comments:

Vicky said...

"Every time i think i have surrendered something God, i find out i can surrender it more...i give up my life to the will of God, and yet 24 minutes later i am trying to pick it all back up and figure it out."

How did you manage to get inside my head???

You put my last year into words that I can't seem to find. You gave voice to things I struggle to speak out loud. Thank you, Cassie!

This was beautiful... even more beautiful than your previous post (which is saying something, because that one was gorgeous!). Your mama is right, you are a gifted writer.

Love you, Cassie! Looking forward to seeing all that God will do in you and through you as a result of this hard time. :) The view is worth the hike-- keep climbing, my dear friend!!!

Kelsey said...

Wow Cassie, you took the words right out of my soul. This is exactly where the Lord has me, right now. Surrendering that which we hold most precious to us, Trusting the one who made us, that if it's his best in His time he'll bring it back, and if not he has something far more incredible in store. Relinquishing our closely held desires. Surrender. such a weighted word yet so freeing.