my least favorite 4 letter word.

"On one occasion, while he was eating with them, he gave them this command: "Do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift my Father promised, which you have heard me speak about. For John baptized with water, but in a few days you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit.""

Acts 1:4-5

w-a-i-t.

waiting; stinks. is a bummer. is not fun.

i waited to take my turn on the little red bike. This is the thing about sharing bikes. You must wait.

i waited on the couch for the arrival of 2 little bundles papa & mama were bringing home. this is the thing about babies, they take awhile to get here and you must wait.

i waited for my birthday. this is the thing about birthdays, they only come once a year. You must wait.

i waited for track season to come. Winter had to come before spring, and so you must wait.

i waited for the plane to land in the place i only saw in my dreams. India is far away and so you must wait for the plane to land.

i was told a promise, without a date of delivery on it, but a promise non the less. it's out there and i must wait.

i waited for the secret to become a reality. it did, but i had to wait as to not spoil the surprise.

i waited for the phone call. it never came, but a few days later an email came in it's place.

tic-tic-tic-tic. the sound of the clock was never comforting in the waiting, it just proved that i was. waiting. the crossing off days on the calendar only furthered the proof that i was waiting. a certain "bleep" noise often gave me a heart attack and was proof that, for at least a moment, the waiting was over. sometimes waiting is an obvious state of being. sometimes it's kind of sneaky. sometimes when you are waiting you hold your breath. sometimes when you are waiting you skip through daisies.

i had been waiting for a certain something so long, i waited subconsciously. The waiting. it's there, but you aren't always conscious of the effect it has on your life. Eventually the waiting ended, or so i thought it did. But it really didn't. And then it really did. This is when i realized i had been so caught up in my subconscious waiting i forgot to actually breath.

after nearly a year of waiting i got a answer, not the one i wanted or expected or had spent many nights hoping for, but the complete opposite.

2 weeks and 3 days later i heard something. it shocked me in my seat and sent my mind whirling: "you've been waiting for the wrong thing. The waiting you were doing wasn't wasted or wrong, but your focus in the waiting could have been better directed.Wait. for. the Holy. Spirit. Wait."

i wasn't distracted waiting for the wrong thing. i just could have waited better.

i hate waiting. hate. yes it's strong word, but it's the truth. i am getting good at it, but that doesn't make me love it....it just means i can do it.

a new normal has taken over my life in the last 19 days. i'm still waiting, but instead of waiting to hear the "bleep" that gives me a heart attack, i am waiting to hear a voice. a still. small. voice. a kind voice. a voice that doesn't condemn me, but builds me up. i am waiting on the Holy Spirit.

And when i have waited long enough i know that the waiting will turn into holding the promise. the promise with an un-known delivery date. the promise that won't delay. the promise that only the Holy Spirit knows the tracking number to.

but for now i am learning more and more to embrace this little 4 letter word.

and so.

i wait.