a fairy tale.

It is a world of magic and mystery, of deep darkness and flickering starlight.
It is a world where terrible things happen and wonderful things too.
It is a world where goodness is pitted against evil,
love against hate,
order against chaos,
in a great struggle where often it is hard to be sure who belongs to which side
because appearances are endlessly deceptive.
Yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a world where
the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happily ever after,
and where in the long run everybody,
good and evil alike, becomes known by his true name...
That is the fairy tale of the Gospel with, of course,
one crucial difference from all the other fairy tales,
which is that the claim made for it is that
it is true,
that it not only happened once upon a time
but has kept happening ever since
and is happening still.
-Frederick Buechner Telling the Truth: The Gospel as Tragedy, Comedy and Fairy Tale

if you want me to.

this song could not be more perfect for this season of my life.
enjoy.

bread of life.

lots is going on in my life right now and i need to find a way to write about it. I am actually journal-ing more than i ever have, but it's all very deep and personal... too personal for the blogging world, but i did want to share a few verses i came across this week. the have been simmering in my mind for 3 days now, and i just got finished writing about them!

1 Chronicles 22:11-13

““Now, my son, may the Lord be with you and give you success as you follow his directions in building the Temple of the Lord your God. And may the Lord give you wisdom and understanding, that you may obey the Law of the Lord your God as you rule over Israel. For you will be successful if you carefully obey the decrees and regulations that the Lord gave to Israel through Moses. Be strong and courageous; do not be afraid or lose heart!”

i am not building a temple or ruling a nation, but i LOVE the emphasis of OBEDIENCE in these verses. Obviously the highlighted things stuck out to me. I am in a season of life that many would look at and not understand. I am on a journey that doesn't make a lot of sense. I have heard people ask me "why" more this week than any other time in my life. Last night i went to sleep and was beginning to wonder if i sounded like a broken record. My answer to the "why" is very much the same every time, and it's fully the truth of the situation, but after i have given my answer the puzzled look on the questioners face does not go away. the "why" still lingers.

Last week a dear friend posted something on his Faceb**k and as i read it i suddenly had a little better answer for the "why"s.

"Seldom does the work of the Lord make sense to those who have not heard God speak."

This little phrase was stuck in a long sentence about this friend's journey into a new and exciting (well, i think so) adventure in faith. For me it solidified what i already knew.

I prayed. + God spoke. + (I had a choice to make.) + I obeyed. = me doing my best to follow the directions i have been given.

The decision i made did not come without tears or a dose of sadness. It did not skip to my front door with bells, whistles and ice cream. It came with a friend named Fear and Discouragement... it also brought a cousin called Why.

"Be strong and courageous; Do not be afraid or lose heart."

The only reason i can "be strong" is because of the foundation of faithfulness that has been built in my life. Faithfulness, not of myself, but of my God. He has proved himself faithful time and time again. He has given me NO REASON to doubt him. He has proved again and again that even in tough situations i can trust him. Even in making the hardest decision ever to knock at my door, i KNOW He is faithful.

Fear and Discouragement are my choice to either invite them in with the choice OR walk in the knowledge i have about who God has proved himself to be in my life! As much as it was my choice to make the tough decision, it's also my choice to walk in fear and lose heart because of the situation... OR i can be strong and courageous based on the knowledge i have.

I know the decisions i make and have made this week do not always make sense, but i know without a doubt that i am doing what God asked me to do. I know it doesn't look "normal" to some and to others it seems "Crazy". I know its "weird". I may not have all the answers to the "why"s, but i know what the Lord said and i will do my best to "carefully obey" what He has asked me to do, whether that's building a temple, ruling a nation or answering the door to a hard decision.

{take two} Tuesday.

Today is my AMAZING older brother's birthday!!! I am SO proud to call him my brother and my hero! He is incredible! The following is the very first post i ever wrote in the blogging world! Enjoy!

----

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

This is my brother me and my brother Gregg. In real life it doesn't see like we look this much alike, but i guess we do. He is older than me, but not by much. I love him to pieces. He serves in the US ARMY and makes me one proud sister! If i could tell the world one thing he has taught me....don't judge someone before you know them. That's the worst thing you could do, just love them, pray for them and eventually you won't dislike them so much.

check it out!

i gave my photography blog an makeover!!!
check it out and tell a friend!

Kekasmai Images

Heaven Song

recently this song is incredibly comforting.
knowing i have so much to look forward to is both humbling and inspiring.
heaven come quickly, but not too soon.

----

Heaven Song
by Phil Wickham

You wrote a letter and You signed your name
I read every word of it page by page
You said that You'd be coming, coming for me soon
Oh my God I'll be ready for You

I want to run on greener pastures
I want to dance on higher hills
I want to drink from sweeter waters
In the misty morning chill
And my soul is getting restless
For the place where I belong
I can't wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song

I hear Your voice and I catch my breath
'Well done my child, enter in and rest'
Tears of joy roll down my cheek
It's beautiful beyond my wildest dreams

I want to run on greener pastures
I want to dance on higher hills
I want to drink from sweeter waters
In the misty morning chill
And my soul is getting restless
For the place where I belong
I can't wait to join the angels and sing...

I want to run on greener pastures
I want to dance on higher hills
I want to drink from sweeter waters
In the misty morning chill
And my soul is getting restless
For the place where I belong
I can't wait to join the angels and sing
No, I cant wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song

i heart my job.

he wants to take his Dad's job someday...

hmmm...

shhhhh...

i love this life...

take two. {re-post}

today i visited somewhere i have previously only been once, but it's quickly made it's way to the "top favorite places" list!!! Last year i wrote a post about my experience hiking Dog Mountain... just across the Columbia River from Hood River Oregon.

this year i could pretty much write the same post and it would mean a lot of the same things it meant then... God has a way of putting a much needed physical perseverance challenge in front of me right when i need it most in non-physical ways in my life.

so here is my "take two" of the week.....

----------

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

i fight.

sometimes a certain phrase or word will come into my mind and make a home for a few days... or sometimes weeks. 2 such certain things have built a home and are now on the verge of taking over my every thought. in times such as these a blog post about them is inevitable.

"i am a fighter."

"perseverance."

i do realize that upon first reading the above one may think they are connected and in many ways they are, but in my life right now one is producing the other in very different ways. Immediately upon writing that i realized it actually could go either way, so i better explain how it is true in my life and then see where this train of thought takes me.

i fight. the closest i've come to a fist fight is the time i slammed my bedroom door on my older brother's arm so hard he cried; i know it is one of the only time i have been the cause of tears from my older brother. sorry Gregg. Other than that insane moment of strength and passion in the fifth grade, i don't ever remember getting into a physical altercation... unless of course you count the tickle fights that end with one of the members of the party yelling at the top of their laughing lungs "i'm going to pee!". And yet i fight. i could jump into a super spiritual rant about fighting on my knees in prayer. i could talk about waging a spiritual war. i could even paint some awesome picture that would make you want to watch the battle scene's in Lord of the Rings or Narnia. However the holes in my jeans from prayer, the un-imaginable affect of a spiritual war and the thrill of victory after a battle scene would not exactly get my point across.

i fight.

on Saturday of this last weekend i went on a hike. i consider myself an out-doorsy type, and i also am no new comer to the world of Saturday hikes. For some reason May 30th 2009 was different. I can't exactly put my finger on it, even now... and leaving the house on Saturday i had NO idea the challenge that awaited me across the river. Now mind you i was going on this hike with some dear friends.... and the 8yr. old and 11 yr. old expressed how they had just done this hike the weekend before. i grabbed my camera and bottle of water and was ready to hit the trail. I knew going into it that it was almost 8 miles round trip, and i new that the view from the top was something words could not describe, however what i did not account for was the sweat and pain that would ensue on the climb to the top of Dog Mountain.

perseverance.

i remember gasping for breath and thinking, "if Philip (8 years old) can do this, i can do this!". i stood in the middle of the dusty trail. we hadn't even gone a 1.5 miles yet and i was panting for air. Sweat was pouring down the side of my face and pooling in my collar bone area. Now either i was more out of shape than i thought i was or this was a lot harder than i anticipated. Looking back it was more the second one than the first. Onward and upward we went. Not a lot of talking on the way up.... we all were focusing on breathing and going. pressing past the pain in our knees and the desire for more water than we had. and there it was: perseverance. perseverance. perseverance. perseverance. perseverance. perseverance. perseverance. perseverance.

the night before i had a conversation with a good friend and we were going back and forth about taking risks and trusting verses waiting and fear. I didn't realize until that conversation that i can talk up perseverance all i want. i can shout TAKE A RISK! from the rooftops, but when in the situation that requires me to do either i had a HUGE fear of failing or getting hurt.

relationships are hard. they involve taking risks, no matter how much of a risk taker you think you are, just wait until you are pushed beyond what you knew was there. Trust is not as flowery and precious as it sounds. It's stinking HARD. As Christians we put a filter on our mind set and try to make trust an easy thing.... i have discovered in the last month or so, that it's because we can trust Jesus with anything and everything and he will NEVER EVER let us down. And so trust must be easy. wrong. Trusting a person is not a requirement of the Christian faith. It's not something anyone is required to do for another person... it's a choice we make to allow someone to come close to our lives and possibly have a lasting affect on us. I don't want to get into the theology of trust, i just want to say trusting people can be hard to do, especially when you(or i) have been hurt by people. I am also not here to say "throw yourself out to anyone".

now moving on a little bit. Waiting and fear. Waiting is BEAUTIFUL and wonderful and should at all time be practiced!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOWEVER, when it comes to taking a risk that you know God is asking you to take, waiting (and hesitating) can be a very dangerous thing. almost 2 years ago i fell nearly 30 feet off a cliff. On the way down i hit a rocky ledge and landed head first into water. the reason i fell was because i waited and hesitated. Always jump on the count of 3 and nothing more. It's funny because this situation has become a corner stone for illustrations about jumping and going and taking risks but until this weekend i didn't realize that in a couple areas of my life i am afraid to take risk and i am afraid to trust people.

and so i fight.

now based on the last couple paragraphs you may be thinking a lot of things about me and my life. (feel free to leave a comment) Regardless of what you are or are not thinking i consider myself a fighter. when i hear the call of God, when i get a vision for something beyond what i can see with my natural eyes, i will fight until i see it come to pass or until i am the last one standing and i have to give it back to the one who gave it. When i see the call of God on a couple's life and they decide that marriage is too hard or they give into sin and it tears something apart my heart beats faster, and i want to scream "fight for it." When i know the call of God one someone's life to change the nations and i see them not pursuing the call, or someone who has a call of God they don't quite get yet but they are running in circles trying to figure out how to make themselves look good, i want to stand up and scream "fight for it."
Somewhere we have lost the urge to fight for what God has called us to. Somewhere along the way we got stuck at the top of the cliff waiting for the water to rise and the sun to set. Somewhere we stopped trusting the people God lined up in our lives to help us go after our dreams because we were afraid of getting hurt (again).

and so i say; "fight for it."

i fight. i fight to be brave. i fight to trust. i fight to fulfill. i fight to move forward. i fight for a change i cannot see but believe with all my heart Jesus can bring. i fight to jump. i fight to wait. i fight the urge to give up. i fight.

back to the Mountain. With each step that brought us closer to the top, the sun rose above our heads and peaked through the trees, sometimes seemingly hotter than the moment before. With each drink of water that refreshed our insides and kept us going, the sweat poured down. Dirt sticks to sweat. Sometimes i would look up the trail for a horizon and all i would see was more trail, it seemed only to raise in front of me and never level out. I would pick out a tree or stump as my next "goal" or "stopping point". Once i made it there i would look up and pick another one. i stopped a few times to take pictures of flowers and views, but mostly i kept one word in my head: perseverance. i knew there was more in me that i had not given. i knew there was more strength deep inside.

when i heard the words "this is it." i thought my heart would burst. i turned to the right and in a second it was all behind me, all the sweat, pain, thirst, sweat and wanting to quit. the view was breath taking. nearly 4 miles, and it was the most amazing sights i have ever seen. i had never seen wild flowers like they grew in that place. i have never seen a river look so brilliant with the sun shining like it was. the statement perseverance pays off never made sense until that moment, because for me i don't remember the last time i was physically challenged like that with a reward so sweet! There are things i am hoping for, look forward to and expecting and what it has cost me thus far will have been worth it if the view from the top is anything like it was that day.

and so perseverance makes me stronger.

and i fight.

and i know that when all is said and done it will have been worth it.

un-worthy. truly thankful.

this last week has been interesting. i have been overwhelmed by one thought:

i am not worthy to receive this grace or love, yet i can't go on without it.

through a series of rather unexpected events and crazy conversations i have had an intense week. the deepest part of my soul gave way and i feel my depth of understanding has deepened.

have you ever com face to face with the ugly truth that you are not perfect? as much as i know this fact and have known this fundamental truth that no one is so, i sometimes get caught in the comparison game. i think that because i have not done "this" or "that" i have earned the right to stand taller.

i sin.

it's the plain truth.

we all sin.

however after years in the church and years of knowing my salvation i had somewhere along the way lost sight of the fact that i am (always) in desperate need of grace and forgiveness. i don't know if repentance became routine or if my sin somehow seemed smaller, but somewhere along the way i lost the depth of the cross.

it seems impossible. it's the cross. it's the foundation of my salvation. it's the emblem of my faith. how could i have lost that? as crazy as it sounds the depth of the meaning of the cross got lost somewhere in my pursuit of the One who hung on it.

this week something happened inside me. it felt like an odd combination of a swift kick in the rear and heart surgery.

i have work to do! i have a calling and a purpose that is greater than i know or could imagine! i have work to do! what makes me worthy of the anointing i desire? what makes me able to GO and DO what God asks me to do?

as much as i can't earn anointing or favor by doing good things or praying over X amount of students, i can control the contents of my character. the content of my character must be able to hold the weight of an anointing and the power of Christ in me.

a while back i wrote a this post about grace. the grace of God has been something that i have been searching out, reading about, listening to messages about and talking about in a pretty huge way for about nine months. this week i experienced that grace in a way i can't remember experiencing any other time up until now.

the grace of God is meant to compel us to righteous living not give us a reason to continue in sin. (Romans 6)

that is something i have "known" in my head for a long time. i do my best to pursue righteous living. i strive to seek first the kingdom of God. i also try not to be a repeater of sin. i said it yesterday like this;

sin is a swamp. icky. stinky. gross. at any point i can be in that swamp by the choices i make. at the edge of that swamp is a meadow or righteous life. it's beautiful green grass blowing in the warm summer breeze. it smells like something sweet is about to happen there. if i am in the swamp the grace of God does not come from the meadow, stand at the edge of the swamp and shout at me to come get it. it does not come into the swamp for a moment so that i can taste it and then run back to the meadow as if it was teasing me. it does not stay in the meadow and ignore the swamp. the grace of God comes into the swamp and envelopes me right where i am at. and it stays with me. it does not like the swamp. it does not justify being in the swamp. it does not encourage me to come back to the swamp for a visit in the future. it compels me towards a righteous life. it compels me to come back to the meadow with it, not looking back at the swamp. grace, it encourages me to strain my neck and look at the golden sun setting in the far off horizon of the green meadow.

this picture has been so vivid in my mind this week. i can't pin-point the moment it became as clear as it is now, but what i do know is at the recognition of this picture came a flood of tears. because in that swamp i can do nothing. in that swamp i cannot be good enough for grace to get me. i smell as bad as what i am sitting in and the sweet smelling grace of God comes to me. i can do nothing but welcome and receive it with open arms. the worst i could do is to stay in the swamp and invite grace to join me. the worst i can do is to justify how i got there and why i choose to stay. the worst i can do is deny the compelling life grace has to offer me away from the swamp.

of this i am un-worthy. of this i am truly thankful.

without the cross there is no real grace. without real grace there is no real life.

i have work to do! i have an anointing and calling! i have the power of the Holy Spirit living inside of me ready to use me to change my generation! i cannot do these things and live the life i dream of sitting in a swamp. my character will be strengthened in the walk from the swamp to righteousness. my character will grow through the difficult situations i face. the content of my character will grow when i can stand in humility and say "i was in the swamp, but NOW i choose righteousness."

my prayer is that i will never take for granted the work of the cross. my prayer is that i can walk in the anointing. i can embrace the calling. i can operate in the power. my prayer is that through grace righteousness would compel me again and again away from the swamp.

of this i am un-worthy. of this i am truly thankful.

Faith.

Faith

Spin my world around
Flip it upside down

Now my life changes
From this, to that

Build up there
Back to foundations here

Here it comes
All seems to change

Yet One will remain

Even if all were falling
He would be unshaken

In Him I have peace
And in Him I will stand
-Philip Westfall

**I used to know Philip when he was little... he's not so little anymore and i haven't seen him in years, but this so touched my heart and where i am at right now i had to steal it!! i got his official Faceb**k permission to steal it! Thanks Philip!**

Minnesota Sneak Peek...

here is a little sneak peek at the INCREDIBLY AMAZING time i had in Minnesota with my Rockstar!

i can't believe the 11 days are gone and done! SO many great memories made!

I heart Minnesota.

uffda.

quick update: i am getting ready to do 3 things i have never done:

1. experiance Duluth Minnesota

2. see Lake Superior (never seen a great lake although i have been to many a great-lake-state)

3. go to Wisconsin.

and yes i will take pictures!!!!

take two. {re-post wednesday}

i remember the feelings i had writing this blog... like something was bubbling up inside me... reading it today gave me the same feelings all over again! enjoy the re-post of the week!

-----------------

Monday, March 24, 2008

the justice of my cause...it's a long one!

I wrote a short little post the other day saying something about a verse that caught my eye during my devotions and said i would post about it... so here i am posting about it!!!

Psalms 37:6

"He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,

the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."

Honestly i was reading, but not taking in the meaning of anything in the first 5 verses of Psalms 37 and then out of the blue, this small sentence jumped off the page and slapped me and said, "pay attention!". So i started over at the beginning of Psalm 37 and these few verses is where i got stuck:

"Delight yourself in the LORD

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD;

trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,

the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when men succeed in their ways,

when they carry out their wicked schemes."

Let's just admit it, we all LOVE verse 4"...he will give you the desires of your heart." I remember a few years ago this was the verse that held my attention. I wanted the desires of my heart, but i struggled with the idea that i could have them and they be what the Lord wanted. The basics of verse 4 and 5 are easy to understand. Delight in the Lord and Trust in Him. living it out is where we get distracted and scatter minded. Back to verse 6. Verse 6 had a flashing light and was calling out for more attention than the others. And for the last few days it has held my attention and snuck into my thoughts and dreams.

"He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,

the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."

Have you ever been awake at dawn? Better yet; have you been awake at dawn and seen the sun shine over a mountain hit the lake and seen the ducks fly away? The first light of morning is AMAZING!!! In the house i used to live in i had a window facing dead-east! Last summer was full of amazing sunrises hitting my face and telling me that the new day starts NOW! I enjoyed a lot of those sunrises hidden under my covers, my body begging for more sleep. No matter how tight i closed my eyes and how many blankets or pillows i covered my face with, the sun still snuck in!

What would the world around me look like if my righteousness shone like the dawn? I don't think of myself as a righteous person. I try to be right. I see Jesus' Righteousness and strive for it. However if i am committing my way to the Lord and trusting him; then i am pursuing righteousness. If the quality of those things were the shining around me i know i would see things differently. I would surely see people in a different way and i would most likely treat them in a different way. My righteousness needs to shine so bright that people around me want the pillow over their head or the shades drawn around me. I want them to look at me and say, "wow she is different." or "what is it that makes her life so different?".

Now the next part of the verse is the kicker. The Justice of My Cause... like the noonday sun! WOW. Here in Central Oregon the noonday sun can be very bright! What is the justice of my cause? What is my cause? If i have a cause is it just? If it is a just cause is it shining like the sun? How do i find the right cause? Justice? These are just a few of the questions swirling around in my head the past few days. I looked up this verse in a few commentaries and they didn't really help me out at all. I finally realized i do have a cause. It's the cause of Christ. Please don't zone out here and think i am going to be cliche. Not at all. We all are called to the cause of Christ... the trouble we have is mixing up what we want and what He wants for us. Some of us are called to that cause in Politics, some in Business, some in Entertainment, and still some in the church. Now here's where my mind doesn't quite get it all... the Justice of that cause. I know little pieces of why i am here and what God wants for my life. I know even more clearly what i am supposed to focus my cause on right now.... still the JUSTICE of that cause is what trips me up.

jus·tice [juhs-tis] Pronunciation Key –noun
1. the quality of being just; righteousness, equitableness, or moral rightness: to uphold the justice of a cause.
2. rightfulness or lawfulness, as of a claim or title; justness of ground or reason: to complain with justice.
3. the moral principle determining just conduct.

Wow.... this is from dictionary.com and it says it all. Check it out in the #1 the word righteousness is there... i think that's just neato. Are we taking what Christ has given us as a cause and making sure it is just? Or are we just holding it in our pocket and pulling it out for show? People who believe in a cause(or a new president) hold signs, mail card, buy adds, knock on doors, and make phone calls all for the sake of a "just cause". What are we doing with the cause Christ has trusted us with??? The light of the morning and the noonday sun. This is what it should be like. Both so bright. Justice and Righteousness in me compared to a BRIGHT SUN!!! I love that each of these verses bring us back to each other. They each hinge on the one above... try reading Psalm 37 backwards and you'll see what i mean. Try figuring out your cause... if it is in line... if it is His heart's desire alive in you. It will shine. You won't even know it's shining. It just will.

bread of life.

Lamentations 3:22-24

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.""

i take pictures...

Check out Alivia...

...and the beautiful wedding of Sarah & Kent...Kekasmai Images

take two. {re-post wednesday}

i know it's Thursday, but yesterday slipped away from me in a mess of tears, sunshine,180, worship, prayer and my man coming home (to MN) from Africa... so here is my re-post of the week! enjoy!

------------------

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Nap Time Tears

Seven is in his crib right now... crying and crying.

Nap time starts with singing and rocking in dark room... and then i gently lay him in his bed, and the peaceful child starts crying his little heart out. I softly tell him it's ok and walk out of the room. The crying continues... 1 minute, 3 minutes, 5 minutes.... after 10 minutes i go back in and wind up the lullaby box, find his Binky and rub his tummy. He stops crying and grabs my hand as if i am leaving forever, not wanting me to walk out of the room. I slowly pull my fingers away and sneek out. The crying starts again. 3minutes, 5, minutes, 12 minutes... i head back in. The tears are streaming down his face and i pick him up. The binky is somehow at the other end of the crib. I put it in his mouth and walk around the room singing softly "Jesus loves me this i know..." he quiets down and softly whimpers behind the soothing rubber in his mouth. Seven reaches up and grabs my hair... his eyes wonder if the tight grip on my long locks will keep me there longer. As i lay him back down under the soft brown blanket, he spits out the Binky and the crying starts again. It's a tired cry. He didn't sleep much last night and his morning nap was shorter than normal. 5 minutes... the crying has stopped. All i can hear is the lullaby box, a soft whimper, and occasional sigh.

I remember so many times with all my younger siblings the lessons about nap time when they are little. Crying is ok. They aren't hungry, they aren't wet, they are tired and need to sleep. They need rest. I remember with Elijah it was so hard to let him cry. He was so little and cute and wonderful.... but the crying at nap time basically ripes out ones heart!!!! All he wanted was to be held. All Seven wants is to be held. He wants to know that i am right there. To feel safe in the arms of one who loves you so much! My mom taught me the art of letting the little one cry. Wait a few minutes and go back in... each time let the clock tick longer. It's so hard. I just want to rock him until he falls asleep. I want to sing him Jesus Loves Me 500 times while he coos and sniffles. But he is ok. He is safe, fed, dry and tired. Eventually he will fall asleep.

I was reading in Matthew 15 today... the story about the woman who comes to Jesus, because her daughter is tormented by a demon. 3 times Jesus ignores or rebukes her. She is a gentile. However her faith went down in history as an example of some who didn't stop asking, who didn't stop crying out for a miracle.

I have been pondering her story all day, and while i was rocking Seven it all came together in my mind. I cry out to Jesus on a regular basis. I hold on to His hand as if i will never hold it again. I reach out for a hug as if it's the last hug i will have from my savior. I cry out. I am not in danger. I am not hungry. I am not sitting in a puddle of life. I am tired and i just want to be held by the One who holds me best. I just want Him to sing over me. I want Him to tell me "it's ok" 500 times over. I don't want Jesus to leave my room. And so i cry out.

Is the cry in Faith that He will answer or in fear that He won't? For me it depends on the day. It depends on where my perspective is. I would like to think that the prayers of Faith, like the woman are more common than the cries of Nap Time Tears... i'm not sure what the ratio is. probably close to 50/50. He is always here. He always hears my cries. I think, however that He is listening for Faith not Fear. He is listening for belief that He is who he has proven time and time again He. He has never left me in the dark, hungry, scared, and wet. NEVER. He has never left me alone and not returned to remind me that He is just a moment away. Somtimes i turn away and forget He is there, but He has never left me.

The house is quiet. All i hear is the clicking of the keys as my fingers fumble across the black keyboard, and the tic-tock of the clock in the kitchen. Seven is asleep. The lullaby box is silent. My heart is stirred up; Faith is rising to the surface of my every thought. The picture of Matthew 15:21-28 is so real in my mind. I can see the woman, her eyes pleading, tears streaming down her flushed cheeks, her hair is a wild mess from the search for the One who could free her daughter. Jesus is there. His back is turned towards her. His face is deep in thought. He knows her face without looking. He seems to be waiting for something, either that or pondering what the next few moments hold. The 12 look on in frustration and annoyance. Her last request hangs in the air... a cry of faith and determination to see a miracle that day...

"Woman," Jesus said to her, "your faith is great. Your request is granted."
And her daughter was healed instantly."

I hope to some day sit with that woman and her the joy that must have flooded her heart when she heard those words. I wonder the laughter that must have filled her house that night. I think about her daughter, sleeping peacefully because the tormentor was gone. I think about her faith. Great faith. She has no name, but her Nap Time Tears were full of Faith, and she cried out expecting the answer she wanted. She didn't let anything stand in her way... and she heard those words from the One who can speak life, breathe truth and walk in Power.
"Your faith is great."

happy mothers day.
Thank You.
I Love You.
(this was on my 18th birthday.)

(scroll down for my real mother's day post: 24hours 53minutes)

24hrs 53min.

it's 24hours and 53 minutes til the start of mother's day. just sayin'.

~~~

to my mom,
mother's day is just around the corner and your gift is wrapped, sitting 6inches away and waiting for the mail. sorry it will be late. i like mother's day. i like to remember past mother's days. remember the time i helped dad pick out your bike? teal-ish green. it was the color of the time and i can remember thinking that you would really love it. remember that one mother's day when i cried because there wasn't a prize for the mom with the most kids, you said it was because you would win every year and that wouldn't be fair... i'm still convinced it wasn't fair to have that prize anyway. remember when i got you that necklace thinking it had 13 diamonds? it only has 12, and now it makes sense why. remember that time when we read proverbs 31 and washing your feet. the girls and i made sure to pick lotion and special soap we thought you might like.

as much fun as it is to remember, i like even more to look ahead. i was at Wal-Mart on the Hallmark isle searching for the perfect card for you this year and found a card for the future; On the front it said "Happy Mother's Day!" on the inside it said "in September you can celebrate Grand-parents day!" (it had a special spot to put an ultrasound picture). I thought it was creative, cute and i almost bought it for someday. i like to think about mother's day when you will have more grand-kids than kids.

as much as i love to dream about tomorrow and 10 years from now, 24 hours and 53 minutes is coming sooner than all of those dreams, moments and years.

as i think about the last year i don't really remember mother's day 2009. i remember the 4th of July and Easter. I remember Thanksgiving and Valentines Day. for someone with a memory like mine i'm disappointed that i don't remember it. i know it happened. i know it was there. i know that the love i have for you now was there then, only less so.

because you see, with each mother's day i remember my mom. my incredible Superhero mom. More than bikes and prizes, necklaces and lotion i remember late night chats. long drives and planning surprises. i remember Woods runs at 10 til 10. i remember Christmas Tea's and matchy-matchy moments(thank you for making them moments not years!). i think about shopping trips and sleepovers. these are the things i hold near to my heart.

i realize the last few months have had there ups and downs with me and you... today it seems like more "downs" than "ups". today 450 miles might as well have been the Pacific Ocean. today the weight of hurt and sadness were overwhelming to the point of tears. today i just wanted my mom. not any mom, not a soccer mom. my mom. the mom who knows me inside and out. the mom who knows all the answers and is really good with a boo-boo bunny. that's my mom.

right now this mountain feels like it will never move. it seems like the Ocean is getting bigger. the wedge is getting deeper... and yet i know that seasons change. i know that Spring ALWAYS comes after Winter. and so. today i look forward to calling you in 24hours and 53 minutes and saying 5 words. they are the only words i could come up with that mean what i want to say... see the thing is, that people say i am good with words. people can read my blog and see my love for writing (i get it from my mom)... and yet, when it comes to having the right words for the people who mean the most to me i loose all thought. i can't decipher between and adjective and a noun. i barely remember how to spell and i seem to have a sudden stutter. it's probably because i want it to be perfect. i want my emotions, my heart and my passion to make sense in words... and somehow it doesn't come out right. so please forgive me for not being the girl who writes the cards that the average consumer buys... i only have 5 words today. and tomorrow. and 24 hours and 53 minutes from now.

Thank You.
I Love You.

please hear me when i say them, because i mean it with all my heart.

Happy {almost} Mother's Day.
i love you mom.

take two. {re-post wednesday}

the word Forgiveness has been stirring around in my head the last few days and i remembered a post i had written about it a couple years ago. In the search for that specific post i found some other posts that kinda blew my mind and i didn't really remember writing... so i'm starting a new trend on my blog for a little while. Introducing: {re-post wednesdays}. i hope you enjoy this little look into my blogging past! feel free to leave some Comment Love!

-------------------------

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is a decision I make to obey God and walk as a lifestyle in the higher realm, by not allowing someone’s actions or attitudes to dictate what I do. Releasing them to God, while not requiring them to be accountable to me to make it right. Having the wiliness to walk in the opposite spirit making sure I am willing to be an unrestricted channel of God’s love for that person!" -Doug Easterday

Forgiveness is hard. It's part of the not easy road we walk as Christ-followers. Not because the concept is hard but actually walking out what it means to forgive is really hard. I love this definition of forgiveness. I have heard Doug preach the message behind his definition quite a few times, and every time i learn something new and meaningful.

Today it's this "Releasing them to God, while not requiring them to be accountable to me to make it right..." It stinks when I have to give forgiveness, but instantly in my head i want them to make it right, to "fix" the situation. I want people to un-do what was done, to make my life easier.... but that's not what this says. If we think about how Christ forgave us, this definition makes a lot of sense and is really real. He doesn't require us to "make it right" to fix the problem we created.

"For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;"
Psalms 103:11-13

This is amazing to me. No questions asked, long before i was a glimmer in me mama's eye MY sins were forgiven! Yes, i still have to keep repenting and asking, but not for the sake of forgiveness, for the sake of relationship. Keeping in perspective that HE is the LORD, the just ONE; yet he choose me for a special purpose and calling...AND he forgives me, over and over and over again. Why should i not take after his example? Why should i not choose to forgive in the hard moments of my life? When it hurts? When it's easier to be mad, and not forgive. If i choose to forgive i also must do this "be an unrestricted channel of God’s love for that person!" That means see them as God sees them, like Jesus: Perfect, Pure and Spotless.

So today i choose to forgive. I choose to not see people as mean, spotted creatures, but i choose to see them as my King sees me: Pure and beautiful, created for a purpose, and meaningful in this crazy thing we call life!

What are you going to do?

i take pictures...

Kekasmai Images