Saturday, September 13, 2008

just some thoughts...

Why doesn't the JOY of obedience compensate for the PAIN of it?

That is the question i have been asking myself all week....I'm not sure that it is a complete sentence that makes actual sense, so let's hope the jumble of thoughts to follow help us come to some conclusions...let's back up; On Monday September 8th I know without a doubt that God was asking me to do something. After lots of tears and toiling i actually did it.

It wasn't fun. It wasn't glamorous. It wasn't easy. It WAS hard. It DID cost me. It made me cry.
but i did it.

this is the equation we have cooked up in our heads:
knowing what's right + doing it = good.
good= joy, happiness, giggles, jumping-in-daisy- moments etc.

good doesn't always equal those things.
I know we all know James 1:2-4 but not even that brings comfort.
I know, Know, KNOW that i did what i was supposed to do.
and i am glad knowing that, but the pain of doing it is still real. How do i deal with that?

Should i just pretend all is well? Should i smile and say i am fine, when really i am about to burst into tears? Yes, sometimes tears are not the right or appropriate answer, but what do i do with the pain? Why does something i know is right and good hurt so much?

"it's building character."

AWESOME! Please let me tell you that next time you are sitting in the mud of life crying out for answers. I KNOW it's building character, and i know someday i will look back and see 20/20 what God was doing and the purposes of Christ in my life won't be stopped by this little speed bump. But can anyone relate to just wanting to understand a little bit of the WHY?

Sometimes i feel like we as Christian Young People try so hard to "be ok" with our lives and have the picture perfect appearance, but for once can we be real with our feelings? Let's at least acknowledge that they are there. I am not saying that we should be lead by our feelings and emotions, if that was the case i would have said a big HECK NO to what i know in my HEART and HEAD that God was asking me to do. My feelings and emotions are actually the things that are in pain because of the actions of the heart and head.

are you tracking with me so far? I'm thinking as i type and re-reading as i go =)

here are the facts of my life this week:
I walked in obedience.
My feelings and emotions are in pain because of that obedience.
I know in my heart and head i did the right thing.
It still hurts.
WHY? that is really all i am asking. Why? Why does it have to hurt so bad?

and what is it with HOPE?
I hold on to the HOPE to which HE has called me.
I know my HOPE is in Him alone.
My HOPE is built on who He is, not only what He has done.

But how do i balance HOPE with real life? How do i HOPE for the right thing? HOPE is comforting, and something to hold on to, but what if I don't want to get my "hopes up"? It's now about balance. Balancing what i know about WHO Christ is AND the fact that He does what He says He will do. WOW, what an incredible God we serve! I love how i can look at the mess that is my life and see just that; a mess. But He looks at it and sees something beautiful!!! He sees the finished masterpiece, with all the puzzle pieces in the right places. Amazing.

i know that was a lot of rambling... and i'm strangely ok with not having a "packaged-nicely conclusion with a side of wit and humor" for you.

one thing is for sure about this week... i am learning more and more about who i am and what makes me tick. What makes me cry and why they do. I'm learning to love being in my skin, without trying to "fit the mold" of who everyone else is... i can be me, YOU are the one who has to decide if you are ok with who i am!


Bondservant said...

Wonderful really! Someone once told me never to ask a WHY question? They said only ask WHAT! WHAT God are you trying to show, teach or give me? They told me that whenever God has a gift for you He raps it up in a problem. The next day someone completely unrelated told me to never stop asking WHY questions!. Now if you didn't guess I was a bit confused myself. Here is what I have come to believe. All the little things we desire to know the WHY to will make sense in time. It is during that time we find out the WHAT. It is the WHAT that answers the WHY!

J. R. Miller said...

Hey, long time no see. The last Suzanne and I saw you was at the Eric and Sarah's wedding.

Good post by the way and I resonate with your experience. Luther wrote a great statement about this same thing. His theme, was "playing with the Father"

God bless :-)

Cassie said...

wow! Thanks for the encouragement! what you said makes perfect sense!!!

It has been awhile! I am living down in Bend Oregon so my trips to WA are usually to Lynden not Puyallup, but all my P-town friends are on my mind a lot!!! Hope things are going well with the church in Orting!

Jennifer said...

This is like reading something I posted myself, as it describes my life in a nutshell...down to the nut! I agree with Seth about the What explaining the Why, but also, sometimes its not about the what or the why...sometimes its simply all about the who! Jeus did the right thing, he was obediant even unto death, and he for sure suffered for it! But like Seth put it, the WHAT that was being accomplished turned out to be the greatest thing that God has ever done! Now, about the who: I was once told that Hope is the evidence in our hearts of that which is not yet seen. During these hard times in my own life, what brings me comfort is not that I have hope that things will get better, but that no matter what happens, I have hope that my God, and your God, is good, and He cares for us! Yes, it does still hurt, but its not about hiding your feelings so that no one sees, its about leaning on God to sustain you so that your emotions won't cause you to fall. The WHO will tell you the WHAT, which will explain the WHY! Yes it builds character, but that's because your emotions are meant to lead you to the Builder when you feel like you're falling apart!